


Firelight will catch us

by whosays_penultimate



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Disappearance, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Happy Ending, Falling In Love, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of dialogue, M/M, Minor Character Death, Pining, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Talk of injury, suggestions of sexual coercion and violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-09-20 06:23:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 62,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17017404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whosays_penultimate/pseuds/whosays_penultimate
Summary: Yuzuru misses Javier.Javier comes back to Toronto to train before the European Championships.And then....





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> RPF DISCLAIMER: This story is pure FICTION and it is not intended as disrespectful in any way to the real people who inspired it. 
> 
> *gay gasp* I didn’t expect Brian to briefly revive my sinking ship, but then again I didn’t expect to be writing Yuzuvier over this weekend either! I got a ton of rl stuff I need to do, but procrastination never looked so good so~
> 
> Please check again the tags and rating before each new chapter as tags may be added and rating may change. Thank you.

After the well-wishes for the coming new year and enthusiastic hugs and numerous questions, everyone wanting to poke him and ask him about retirement and his plans for the future and just generally being clingy and touchy-feely, like Javier’s own manner seem to invite, there was at long last some time to breathe and look around at the familiar surroundings with new eyes. Javier was briefly returning to the club which made him an Olympic champion with mixed feelings, joy and hope for the future, but also wistful nostalgia at leaving it all behind for good. These would be his last remaining days at the Cricket Club and he would soak it all in as best he could. The smiling faces all around him were proof that he'd always be welcome there, no matter for how long he'd be away, but Javier intended for it to be for good time. Sometimes you just had to let go and move on. He noted his flag was still there, and seeing it, Javier remembered that video of Brian’s interview with the Olympic channel, the one which drowned his phone in notifications one day not long before Christmas. He had laughed ruefully and a little guiltily back then, and meant to call Yuzu and tease him about being so dramatic, but there was little opportunity, what with several important events planned before Christmas. And then there had been Christmas and New Year and the preparations to come back to training, and that one little thing seemed to pale in comparison with other stuff that Yuzuru was going through at that time.

“When is Yuzu coming in?” Javier asked Tracy.

She smiled a little tightly before answering:

“Late afternoon. He’s got limited ice time, since he’s still during rehabilitation, and isn’t allowed to do anything complicated. We thought it was best to schedule him when the ice isn’t as crowded....also when other top skaters aren’t there.”

Javier scoffed.

“I hope you’re not including me in that category, Tracy, I want the same ice time with him, as usual.”

Tracy hesitated.

“And that would be a great idea if Yuzuru was healthy, but you know how upset he got when you were jumping quads and he couldn’t, it wouldn’t be good for him-“

“That was back then with the Olympics looming, Tracy. It will be different now. He got that gold medal, and he’s settled down a bit ....”

Tracy still looked dubious.

“He's got no reason to be competitive with me anymore, I’m retiring, aren’t I?" Javier said, conveniently choosing to forget that Yuzuru's competitive spirit was never reigned in by such concerns. "Please, this is my last time here, I can’t imagine not seeing him. I’m sure he’d want it too.”

“Fine”, Tracy relented. “You can be here during afternoons as well. Actually some extra practice time wouldn't hurt, Javi", she said, kindly but with definite intent. 

Javier chuckled in acknowledgement. 

 

Javier left for lunch, and returned again in the afternoon. A lot of the skaters had left by then, and for a while he enjoyed the ice almost to himself. A few hours later, Yuzuru showed up. Javier spotted him out of the corner of his eye, an unmistakable figure clad in his trademark all-black Underarmour, greeting the ice with a pat as he stepped onto the rink, his dark eyes seemingly focused within, rather than on his surroundings.

After a brief conversation with Brian, Yuzuru skated off, and started warming up. He didn’t look at anyone else on the ice and didn’t appear to have noticed Javier yet.

Javier watched him as he skated figure eights across the ice, with his usual intensity but much less of his usual speed and abandon. Yuzuru’s shoulders were slightly hunched and he seemed tense, and Javier wanted nothing more than to cheer him up. But he held back for now, because he had a feeling Brian wouldn’t appreciate interrupting Yuzuru’s already brief ice time, and waited for a break.

After a while, Javier noticed Brian got a call, and when Yuzuru came towards the boards to have a drink of water, he told him something, to which Yuzuru nodded energetically, then Brian left. Javier looked around and saw they were almost alone on the ice, only a spare few were skating aimlessly, cooling off, no doubt preparing to leave as well. He hurried towards the boards where Yuzuru still was, fiddling with his tissue box, he didn’t want to miss talking to Yuzuru before he left.

Laughing quietly to himself, Javier skidded to a halt right behind Yuzuru, who had remained oblivious to his presence, facing the other way, seemingly staring at the name plates recording their achievements, and quickly put his palms over his eyes. It was a childish game they used to play with each other a long time ago, and Javier wondered if Yuzuru still remembered it.

“Gotcha!” Javier shouted joyfully. “Guess who!”

There was a long moment in which Yuzuru went completely still, and Javier was silent as well, his palms feeling hot and heavy over Yuzuru’s small, cold face. Then Yuzuru whipped around abruptly, with a shriek.

“Javi!” he shouted, eyes lighting up in tearful joy, crinkling at the corners. “When you come??”

“This morning”, Javier answered with a grin. He opened his arms slightly, and Yuzuru didn’t need more invitation to launch himself at Javier, hugging him tightly, desperate little fingers crumpling the cloth of Javier’s shirt into a demanding grip.

Javier laughed in delight, matching Yuzuru’s fierceness with an affectionate hug, rubbing softly at Yuzuru’s back.

“Whoa, there there – I know how much you missed me!” he said, a note of smugness seeping into his tone.

“Brian bad for saying!” Yuzuru argued, pulling back abruptly. “He said thing that is not for everyone to know!”

“Really? Why shouldn’t people know that you miss me?”

“People, yes”, Yuzuru said, with an impatient wave of his hand. “But you-no.”

“Oh, I’m not supposed to know?” Javier chuckled, amused. “Why’s that?”

“Because then you feel guilty and think you must do something.”

Javier’s laughter turned a little more strained because yes, Yuzuru was right about that. He had felt a little guilty and awkward, not knowing how and if, he should respond to that knowledge of Yuzuru missing him so dramatically.

“Well, I’m here now anyway, so it's all good”, he said, reassuringly.

They lapsed into silence as they skated next to each other for a while, falling into an easy rhythm, Javier careful not to skate too fast or make any complicated movements that Yuzuru might not be able to match.

“I’m sorry about your injury, Yuzu. I didn’t get a chance to tell you...”

Yuzuru shrugged.

“I wanted to call you or text you at that time, but I didn’t know what to say....and in the end it seemed better not to say anything.”

Yuzuru shrugged again, with a small smile.

“You can say ‘I told you so’.”

Javier cringed, because yeah, he could have.

“That wouldn’t have been very nice, though,” he said, lightly.

“No”, Yuzuru agreed. “It was so hard”, he mumbled. “Is hard”, he corrected himself.

“I know”, Javier nodded. “You look like a newborn colt out there”, he teased. “Strange seeing you like this. But if anyone can do it all over again, it’s you.”

Yuzuru made a surprised noise.

“That’s not what you said the last time. You said I was crazy to want to go on.”

“Ah, well – it’s not my place to give you lessons. You’re free to do what you wish with your life. But I know how hard it all is.”

Yuzuru sighed noisily.

“Yes, Javi know. It’s why I want Javi here, because Javi know so good.”

“I’m here now for a bit, Yuzu,” Javier repeated, as if that made up for everything.

“You have same ice time as me?”

Javier nodded, relieved he could bring Yuzuru some good news for once.

“I'm very happy. Training with Javi is make me better.”

Javier looked at him fondly.

“That’s what I said to Tracy, as well. She seemed to think that you’d be upset at me jumping quads when you couldn’t. Not that I’m so great with jumps myself, lately. Truth be told, I’m a little rusty. Kind of freaked about Europeans, too.”

“I’m not upset”, Yuzuru hurried to say. “And Javi, you’re not rusty. You just need to", he paused, searching for the word, and lit up when he found it: ".... you need to focus.”

“Yeah....I know.”

“We’re good for each other”, Yuzuru repeated, earnestly. “It’s best you come back to train here." 

Javier chuckled and pulled him close by the waist, playfully, as they circled and skidded to a stop on the ice.

“Ah, if only I could borrow your fiery spirit for a little while. Think you can lend it to me, Yuzu?” Javier joked, bumping their foreheads together. “Hm? Give me some of that fire, just until Euros, and have in return some of my chill, so you can heal faster.”

Yuzuru exhaled shakily, mindful of their proximity.

“Javi has fire of his own”, he whispered.

“I do, don’t I?” Javier answered, on a same low voice. He pulled back slightly, so he could look at Yuzuru, but his hands tightened around Yuzuru’s waist.

Something was happening between them, something fragile and unlikely that might be broken unexpectedly by sudden movements or loud voices.

“I think Javi can do _anything_ ”, Yuzuru went on, barely audible.

“I can do anything?” Javier repeated, blindly, hands rubbing absently at Yuzuru's hips.

“Yes.”

Even if nothing else happened and it didn't mean anything, Javier felt that he had to do _it_  – he _needed_ to, or he’d go mad. There was of course, the possibility that he'd completely misread the moment, but despite the language barrier between them, Javier had never felt more certain of anything than he was of Yuzuru wanting and expecting this very thing of Javier right then.  There had been other moments of sparkling tension between them but none so crazy and perfect as this. Javier’s ears pounded with white noise as he slowly leaned in. Yuzuru watched him with wide eyes, eyes crossing comically as Javier got closer, and finally closed his eyes with a sigh when there was no more space between them. Javier pressed his lips tentatively to Yuzuru’s. It wasn’t the first time he had kissed a man, but Yuzuru’s unresponsiveness was unnerving him, even if he assumed that lack of experience was probably to blame. Yuzuru tasted sweet, but intoxicating, tempting and new. Javier was surprised when he felt Yuzuru suddenly surge forward, kissing back awkwardly, with the fresh innocence of someone much younger, reminding Javier unexpectedly of his own first kiss as a teenager. Feeling bolder, Javier deepened the kiss, holding the back of Yuzuru’s head and working his tongue into Yuzuru’s mouth slowly. Yuzuru’s eyes snapped open again in bewilderment and he went rigid, which made Javier pull back.

“Everything okay?” Javier asked, looking at him worriedly.

“This dirty kiss, I don’t like”, Yuzuru answered.

“Okay....”, Javier sighed, with some disappointment. Suddenly at a loss, he took a step back, and tugged at Yuzuru’s arm, to dispel the moment. “Sorry!”

Yuzuru shook his head. He chewed on his lower lip thoughtfully, as he looked at Javier for a long moment.

“I think maybe I can like ....if you teach me it to like,” he said in adorably mangled English, as he hurried to get his point across.

Javier couldn’t help bursting into sudden laughter at the strangeness of the request and the strangeness of the situation in its entirety.

“Yuzuru-“, he started, what was supposed to be a rejection. // _I’m not the one to teach you these things. // If only you had asked me that years ago_. _// I think I’ve done enough as it is with someone I wanted to get as far away from as I possibly could._

Someone cleared their throat behind them and they both jumped a mile, Javier reaching out just in time to catch Yuzuru and prevent him from falling butt-first on the ice.

“B—Brian”, Javier stammered, paling. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough”, Brian answered curtly, and by the look on his face it was obvious that he had most likely witnessed everything that happened between Javier and Yuzuru.

“It’s not nice to sneak on people and .... and listen, and ....and look!” Yuzuru cried out, angry and embarrassed, stomping his blade on the ice.

“Oh yeah?” Brian retorted. “It’s not nice to do these things in public at all in Japan, is it?” he pointed out, and Yuzuru fell quiet, looking down at the ground as if he wished it would swallow him.

“We’re not in Japan now”, Javier defended him. “And we didn’t do anything wrong!” he challenged, trying to put some conviction in his voice.

Brian stared at him, until Javier had no choice but to lower his gaze at well.

“First of all”, Brian started slowly, with deceptive calm, “you have a girlfriend, Javier. Unless there is something that you failed to mention to us about that. Second, you have been around each other for six years and I never had to worry about anything. However you may have been feeling, you were always exemplary in your behaviour with each other. And now you’ve decided to make me lose the rest of my hair by messing around like this? God, at this point, I don’t even know which of you to feel more protective of...I hope both of you have the sense to realize this can’t end well and put a stop to it before it even begins.”

“Brian, no offense”, Javer dared, “but you don’t have the authority to tell us what to do-“

“You’re both still my students”, Brian interrupted. “And Yuzuru at least wants to continue to be, if I understood correctly?”

Yuzuru nodded, still looking down.

“Alright then, Yuzuru – take your stuff and go home, now. I’ll reschedule your training time so it doesn’t overlap with Javier’s for as long as Javier is here. If you have a problem with that, you’re free to quit.”

Javier winced, thinking that Brian was being unduly harsh. He looked furtively at Yuzuru, wondering if he was going to throw a tantrum. But Yuzuru only bowed and did what he was asked, noiselessly leaving the ice. Javier huffed and followed, putting on his blade guards and throwing Brian a dark look as he made for the locker room.

Yuzuru was already gathering his things in meek silence, and before he left, there was only a small ‘Bye, Javi-“, thrown in Javier’s direction – but which had the sudden and unexpected effect of making Javier’s heart beat faster. There was a strange, never felt before excitement at hearing Yuzuru’s voice, mingled with fear that he might not see Yuzuru again for a long time. 

“I’ll – I’ll call you”, Javier shouted after him.

“No, you won’t”, Brian said, coming in.

Javier rounded up on Brian, angry beyond belief, ready to start a fight, but Brian only looked at him with sadness and disappointment.

“What are you doing, Javier?” he asked gently. “Really, stop and ask yourself, what are you doing?”

Javier’s lips curled with the effort of holding in a vicious swear word.

“It’s none of your fucking business, Brian! How dare you order us around, we’re not children anymore, and you’re not my dad!”

“That’s funny, because you mentioned several times how I’m like your father”, Brian said, with the same sad resignation in his voice, and the memory of that made Javier’s anger subside a little.

“But you can’t tell me what to do with my life”, he protested, weakly. “And you can’t keep me and Yuzu apart like this.”

“Listen, Javier. You’re gonna be leaving for good in what, two – three weeks, right? Who do you think is gonna be left here to pick up the pieces?”

“What are you talking about, Brian?”

“Oh for goodness sakes! You irresponsible _child!”_

Javier flared at the accusation and opened his mouth to retort but Brian shut him down with a decisive gesture.

“You’re just going with the flow, as always! Letting it carry you god knows where. Here today, gone tomorrow, and what will be, will be. Typical! Men like you....hmpf!”

“What the _fuck_ are you talking about, Brian? And why are you getting so worked up?”

“Maybe the reason I get so worked up is because I know your type, all too well!” Brian answered, bitingly.

“Hey, don’t let it all out on me because someone was an asshole to you once, I’m not like that!”

“Oh yeah? Coming back here and putting the moves on Yuzu, when you know you’ll be leaving again soon? How do you call this, if not irresponsible?”

“Yuzu isn’t a child, and he could’ve stopped me at anytime-“

“You know how he feels about you, you’ve always known!”

“I didn’t, I swear – I may have suspected, there were some clues, but in the end I always thought ‘nah, no way’. How could I ever be sure, when he never did or say anything decisive either way? He always refused me when I asked him out, doesn’t that spell rejection?”

Brian shook his head, stubbornly.

“If you really knew Yuzu, you’d know why he was like this. If you _loved_ him, you’d know”, he stressed, and Javier started at the accented word.

“But you don’t, do you?” Brian went on, aggressively. “Of course you don’t. You’re just upset I got in the way of a fling, a pleasant way to pass the time until you leave...”

“Honestly, Brian, you really think I’m such a jerk?” Javier countered. “You think I care so little about Yuzu?”

“Actually, whether you think your feelings are real or not, it doesn’t even matter. Fact remains, you’re leaving at the end of the month. And I’ll be left to deal with a heartbroken Yuzu, on top of everything else, so no thanks, Javier, I’ll pass on that. Keep it in your pants for once. This discussion is over. And if I find out you’re meeting Yuzu while you’re here, I’ll be calling your girlfriend.”

Javier laughed.

“Don’t worry, if I do decide to date Yuzu, I’ll be calling my girlfriend myself and come clean with her. Cause I’m not the asshole you seem to think I am”, he said, bitterly.

“Fair enough”, Brian nodded. “Then I’ll call Yuzu’s mom, tell her to lock him in his room if she has to.”

Javier laughed again, a little desperately this time.

“Do you really think all this is gonna make me want to stop seeing him? If anything, it makes me want to see him _more_.”

Brian tightened his lips in frustration, and left in a huff, after a last dark look at Javier.

Javier sank back down on the bench, his heart still beating erratically. He touched his lips with the tips of his fingers, remembering the feel of Yuzuru’s plush lips moving against his, tentative yet eager. All of a sudden, the notion that this could’ve been their first and last kiss seemed unbearable to Javier. Still, as much as he hated it, Javier couldn’t ignore the fact that Brian was right – there were many things to consider. Perhaps it was better to sleep on it and think of it tomorrow, when perhaps his heart would be less disposed to jump out of his chest at the mere thought of Yuzuru.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas for those of you who celebrate it, have a new chapter as a gift I hope you'll like!

His mother was waiting for him at the door when Yuzuru came in and he knew that it didn’t bode anything well.

“Orser-san called me”, she said, confirming Yuzuru’s fears. “He said he didn’t have to worry about anything with you while you were a teenager but you’re acting like a teenager now. He said he doesn’t want to have to act like a parent with you if I’m here and asked me to keep an eye on you. Ice is for skating on it not for kissing on it, he said. I apologized for you, and said it will never happen again.”

Yuzuru rolled his eyes. This was ridiculous.

“Is it that girl, Yuzuru? Is she making you neglect your practice?” 

“What girl?” Yuzuru scoffed. “Mom, you know me better than this! I wouldn’t neglect my practice for anyone!”

His mother came close, almost hovering, her expression softening:

“My son, I know it’s hard, but you’re the one who decided on how things should be. You’re all grown up now and such a handsome boy too, it’s alright to want different things, no one will think any less of you if you do...”

“-I don’t want different things”, Yuzuru interrupted. “I want the same things I’ve always wanted. Mom, it’s Javi. He came back. You don’t have to worry about anything. It’s just Javi.”

“Oh, Yuzuru”, his mother’s face twisted in an expression of pity. “You know how I feel about Javi, you know I think he’s a wonderful man and always very nice and kind to you but Brian made it sound like...“ she trailed off.

“Brian thinks Javi will leave and I’ll suffer. But it won’t be like that, _it won’t_. I know Javi better than he does. If Javi gets me, Javi _keeps me_.”

“But- Yuzuru, what about _you_? Are you willing to risk....your fans - they’ll be....”

“My fans will be happy.”

“Some of them maybe, but others....”

“They’ll all have to be happy eventually, for me.”

“But others”, his mother went on stubbornly, “will see it as a betrayal, won’t they? They’ll be disappointed. We’ve talked about this. It’s what you have told me yourself.”

“Yes”, Yuzuru agreed, sadly. “And I’m sorry, I really am. I wish I could make them happy too. I never want anyone to be sad because of me. But _it’s Javi,_ mom. It’s Javi who wants me. I can’t say no to that.”

“Are you sure he wants you forever and not like Brian thinks?”

Yuzuru’s split second of hesitation wasn’t lost on Yumi, who shook her head.

“I think he does”, Yuzuru answered slowly, brow furrowing in thought. “But you’re right, I can’t be entirely sure now. This is why I’m asking - please, let me see him while he’s  here in Toronto so I can know. You trust my judgement, don’t you? You’ve always trusted my judgement, it’s why we’re here now. We've traveled across the world together on the wings of my conviction, you can't doubt me now.”

Yumi hesitated, frowning.

“It’s not your cleverness that I doubt, Yuzuru, it’s your ability to think clearly when sentiment gets in the way...”

“Mom, come on. Sentiment has always ‘got in the way’ with me, I always feel strongly about everything I set out to do.”

“Yes, but this is different, Yuzuru. Trust me, romantic feelings can make someone lose their head.”

Yuzuru scoffed, in a ‘not me’ kind of way.

Yumi sighed and sat down in a chair, looking down at her hands.

“I just don’t want to see you hurt. Like any mother would, I want to protect my child from that.”

“You can’t protect me from _life,_ mom. Just like you can’t protect me from earthquakes or crashes”, Yuzuru said, a little cruelly, and Yumi winced slightly at the memories.

“But I will always want to”, she said stubbornly, and Yuzuru went to her and hugged her tightly.

“I love you, mom. And I’ll always listen to you. But if you tell me not to see Javi, I will be hurt and sad that you don’t trust me.”

“Yuzuru, I’ve never outright told you what to do, you know this. Brian seems to think I have more authority over you than I do, because he told me to lock you in your room”, she laughed, and Yuzuru laughed as well, incredulously and a little angrily. “I know he wants nothing but the best for you but... I couldn’t explain to him that our relationship isn’t like this.” She looked up at his son. “Do you like Javier very much?”

“I think I .... love him, mom”, Yuzuru stammered on the unfamiliar word and Yumi gasped in astonishment.

“Are you sure? This is a big word.”

“I know. But it describes the strength of my feelings.”

“Do you think he feels the same for you?”

Yuzuru didn’t reply.

In the ensuing silence, his cellphone rang, startling the both of them. Yuzuru took it out of his jacket pocket and glanced at it.

“It’s Javi”, he said, staring at it as it kept on ringing.

“Aren’t you going to answer?” his mother asked.

Yuzuru shook his head slowly.

“No, I don’t think I will right now.”

“But I thought...?” his mother inquired, bewildered.

“Let him miss me a little while”, Yuzuru clarified, his lip curling slightly in satisfaction, as he replaced the phone in his pocket. It still went on stubbornly ringing. “Maybe tomorrow.”

Yumi laughed suddenly, covering her mouth.

“I don’t know where you learned such tricks from, because it wasn’t from me”, she said, with fond exasperation. “You should go to sleep. It’s late. Tomorrow everything will be clearer.”

They smiled at each other with familiar affection, and Yuzuru went up to his bedroom and fell asleep, wondering for the first time how it would be like to have someone else falling asleep beside him.

 

“Thank God”, Javier said, when Yuzuru answered on the second ring the following day. “You didn’t answer the phone yesterday and I thought...”, Javier’s tone switched from serious to playful, as he attempted to make light of the situation – “I was worried I’d have to storm the castle and whisk you away. I imagined dating you might come with some hurdles, but I never thought I’d hear Brian unironically advise that someone be ‘locked in their room’-“

“Do you want to date me, then?” Yuzuru asked.

Javier paused momentarily.

“Did I – did I say that? Well... I guess I do, then.”

“You guess?”

“I _do_. That was just a turn of phrase.”

“Hmmmm”, Yuzuru reacted, as if pondering.

“Oh come on, Yuzu.... You’re not gonna make me prove myself now, bring you the golden feather of a firebird or something?”

“Thanks”, Yuzuru answered wryly, “but I got all the feathers I need.”

He waited to hear Javier’s amused chuckle, before he allowed his own hiccuping laugh to break free.

“So where you want to go?” he said, suddenly shy. “On date?”

 

They decided to go to a restaurant where neither of them had been to before, on the other side of town from the Cricket Club. Javier was still worried someone from the club might spot them because he didn’t want any more arguments, and certainly no gossip. The only time they could meet was after Yuzuru finished practice, which was fairly late, but as luck would have it, the next day Yuzuru had no practice because he he had a follow-up medical consult scheduled in the afternoon, so he proposed they’d meet afterwards. Javier agreed.

“What did the doctor say, how is your ankle?” was the first thing Javier asked, as Yuzuru took the opposite seat from him in the private booth.

Yuzuru looked around, as he deliberately took in the surroundings.

“This is nice place”, he said eventually, and Javier accepted quietly that Yuzuru did not want to talk about that.

“You're right, it is”, he agreed, cheerfully. “Let’s hope the food is good. Do you want to order now?”

“I let Javi order for me.”

“...You’re not gonna eat a thing, are you?” Javier sighed in resignation.

Yuzuru smiled.

“I will eat a little”, he said, appeasingly.

When the food arrived, Yuzuru did eat with good appetite what Javier ordered for him, and lavished it with praise. Javier’s eyes lit up and he found it difficult to wipe the proud grin off his face, even as he told himself he was being childish. But Yuzuru’s eyes were shining as he watched Javier in between his bites, an immeasurably fond expression on his face, so perhaps this was fine.

After they finished, there was a momentary lull in the random conversation about their surroundings, the food, and the atmosphere, which they carried on intermittently throughout their meal.

“So”, Javier eventually said, looking at Yuzuru across the table. He reached out and tentatively poked at Yuzuru’s outstretched hand, then covered it with his own. Yuzuru absently entwined their fingers together, smiling slightly.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Javier said. “I mean, what are you thinking about?” he clarified, in case Yuzuru wasn't familiar with that particular expression.

“Why did you kiss me yesterday?” Yuzuru asked.

Javier’s breath stopped in his throat.

“I – I don’t know? It seemed the right moment for it. I thought you wanted it too. Was I wrong?”

“Not wrong. I wanted. But why that moment? Why never before?”

“I don’t know. We had a lot of hits and misses. I suppose it’s because I passed by a lot of opportunities, so I didn’t want to waste this one, too. Anyway, I could ask you the same. You never kissed me before, either”, Javier pouted, and Yuzuru smiled at him.

“True.”

“And...everytime I asked you out before, you refused!” Javier pouted further.

“I didn’t know Javi meant go out like on a _date_ ”, Yuzuru tried to argue.

“Oh, you knew all right, Yuzu. Let’s not pretend we both didn’t know what we wanted from each other.”

“I didn’t”, Yuzuru stubbornly insisted and looked at Javier, eyes wide and earnest.

Javier frowned a little, as he considered this. Perhaps he shouldn’t have assumed Yuzuru would catch on to the same things that Javier did, because Javier had way more experience in these matters than his rinkmate. Yuzuru was 24, almost twice Javier’s age when he started dating, and still seemed as pure as the wind-driven snow. It unnerved Javier, as much as it excited him.

“Okay, maybe you didn’t....”, Javier relented, “but, be honest, would you have accepted if you knew?”

“... Probably not”, Yuzuru admitted. “I didn’t come to Canada to... how you say? Fool around?”

Javier chuckled at that expression strangely fitting in Yuzuru’s mouth, as well as the grimace that came with it.

“And with my greatest rival, too”, Yuzuru added, seriously.

“I feel so important”, Javier commented, lightly. “What changed?”

“I don’t know. Maybe nothing changed. Maybe Brian was right and we shouldn’t-“ Yuzuru said, half-rising from his chair.

“Please don’t go-“, Javier said, using his grip on Yuzuru’s hand to tug him back down. “Look – we’re just sitting here talking. We’re not doing anything. Even Brian wouldn’t disapprove of it. I just want to make sense of this – this new thing between us. I _have_ to make some sense of it, before I leave.”

“What do people usually do on dates, to realize if they really want to be together or not?” Yuzuru asked, earnest and focused, like this was a problem they needed to go about solving as fast and efficiently as possible.

Javier almost laughed out loud, before realizing that Yuzuru might take that as an insult. He swallowed and refrained, trying instead to give an honest answer to a question that he never had to seriously consider before.

“Uhhh well. They talk, of course...”

“What about?”

“About themselves, their feelings... Also, I don’t know, about their lives, their jobs, family, friends – really anything they feel like sharing. They can even talk more personal stuff like their dreams and hopes for the future. It’s no different than going out with friends. Except for the flirting.”

“...Flirting?” Yuzuru echoed, with some dread.

“Yeah. Like in between telling you about my day at the rink and how Brian rode me like I was a junior, I can drop in that you’ve got the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.”

“I know what flirting is”, Yuzuru mumbled, blushing furiously. “I just don’t.... I don’t see how it can work with us. Flirting is like....when you’re not being serious, right? You’re just playing at being interested.”

“Except you really do have beautiful eyes”, Javier teased, rather enjoying Yuzuru’s lack of composure.

“That’s funny, coming from _Javi_ ”, Yuzuru retorted, and Javier laughed, surprised.

“Ah, see? You’re getting the hang of it.”

“Except I _mean_ it”, Yuzuru said, a little angrily. “It’s not silly flirting, I always think that Javi has beautiful eyes.”

Javier was struck silent for a few seconds.

“Ah, Yuzu”, he slurred gently. “I meant it too, you know. Just because I’m playful, it doesn’t mean I’m not interested. We’re just different, you know....,” he rubbed gently at Yuzuru’s wrist, trying to catch his look. “Listen, I couldn’t stop thinking about you last night, after Brian ordered us away. I was so angry at him, you know? I wanted to be with you so much.”

Yuzuru turned his hand so he could press his own palm to Javier’s, and squeezed. He looked at Javier searchingly while carefully choosing his words:

“I was angry too, that he interrupt us. And he treat us like children. But you-“ he stopped, seemingly frustrated that he couldn’t express what he wanted to say.

“Don’t worry about saying it correctly, just say the words”, Javier encouraged him. “You know I understand you.”

Yuzuru mumbled something in Japanese.

“Brian say about Javi girlfriend and I think he’s right”, he finally said.

Javier pulled back slightly, with a frown.

“You talked to her?” Yuzuru asked.

“...No. I didn’t know.... What could I have said? You didn’t answer my call last night and I thought....maybe you realized this was a mistake.”

“But you said you think about me all night”, Yuzuru countered.

“I did”, Javier nodded. “I thought about you like never before. I was happy but also sad because we might not get to be alone together again. Brian thinks I’m irresponsible, but ... I’ll be honest, Yuzu, I’d be very sorry if we only had that one kiss and nothing more. I’d feel like I lost something, something important.”

“Do you still feel like this?” Yuzuru asked.

“Yes”, Javier answered readily. “It seems juvenile to say but my heart beats so fast now when I look at you. I feel a little crazy, to tell the truth.”

Yuzuru opened his mouth to ask another question, but Javier interrupted him.

“I get the feeling you’re interrogating me here”, he said, jokingly, but with a serious look in his eyes. “Now I want you to tell me – how do you feel about me? How far do you want to take this? And if you wanted me to kiss you, why did you wait so long, too?”

Yuzuru played with the knife and fork in his plate, absently.

“I can’t say”, he finally answered. “I am sorry but Javi will have to do what he thinks is best without knowing all this.”

“What?” Javier asked, startled. “What do you mean, you can’t say? Why?”

“I will say only that I did want Javi kiss. And I think Javi is very beautiful man, and good kiss....kissing?”

“Kisser”, Javier corrected, with some impatience. “Yuzu, why are you playing these games with me? We’re both adults, we need to know where we stand with each other.”

“Javi must do what Javi wants without knowing about me.”

Javier drummed his fingers on the table, mildly annoyed.

“I don’t like this, Yuzu.”

Yuzuru shrugged and returned his look, serenely.

“Now you think Brian is maybe right?” he asked, shrewdly.

“What? No, I don’t think Brian is right, I’m not just gonna give up on you and I’m not gonna run off...”, Javier scoffed. “But I’m very confused right now, and you’re not helping.”

Yuzuru slid into Javier’s side of the booth and almost into his lap with cat-like agility. Wrapping both arms around Javier, he coyly blinked up at him, expectantly. This was so inadvertently Yuzuru-like that Javier had to laugh.

“What?” Javier teased. “What do you want?”

Yuzuru answered that by pressing his lips to Javier’s. Yes, definitely not helping. But Javier wasn’t about to question anything at this point, and was just happy he got to have this again. They kissed softly, but with yearning, their upper bodies pressed against each other in the cramped booth. Javier deliberately kept the kissing light, sweet, in spite of how much he wanted to deepen it. Yuzuru was already breathing heavily, and Javier, whose body was pressed back into the pillowy seat, couldn’t surpress a groan.

“God, Yuzu, I can’t believe you’re okay with doing this here, it’s so risky”, Javier mumbled, breaking the kiss, his roaming hands on Yuzuru’s body keeping him away as Yuzuru tried to lean in again. “No, come on, we’re in _public_ – “

Yuzuru threw a look over his shoulder towards the main area of the restaurant, from which they were sheltered from view by a screen.

“No one sees us, Javi.”

“ _Still_. Anyone could come this way and see you half on top of me.”

“I like it on top of Javi”, Yuzuru smiled wickedly, rubbing his body to Javier’s for full effect.

Javier bit back another curse, head falling back slightly.

“Javi don’t like?” Yuzuru teased, pressing a delicate kiss right at the corner of his closed eyes.

“Ah, I think you can feel just how much I like it”, Javier answered, a little dazed. “But Yuzuru – what are you _doing_? We were just gonna talk, and now you’re full-on seducing me?”

“I think I was better to show how I feel about Javi... Because I’m not really very good with words.”

Yuzuru slid off from Javier’s lap, and no, Javier definitely wasn’t buying his earnest, innocent look.

“You ... you said you didn’t _want_ to tell me, not that you _couldn’t”,_ Javier insisted, not willing to let the matter go.

“Yes but I don’t want Javi to think I don’t want him.”

Javier sighed.

“Okay. How far do you want to take this?”

Yuzuru just sat there and blinked up at Javier with a blank, serene expression on his face, as if not understanding.

“Come on, Yuzu, that’s not difficult to answer. What do you want? Do you want us to....uh... go to a hotel?” Javier asked, rolling his eyes a little at himself, but the erection currently straining the front of his pants was making it difficult for him to be the rational one.

Yuzuru frowned.

“Doesn’t Javi stay with a friend?”

“Yes, exactly. So we’ll need a hotel if we...if _you_ want us to _...do more_ , you know....”

Yuzuru just kept staring at him with a mildly curious, but otherwise expressionless countenance, and Javier started to blush. He shook himself a little and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers.

“Why do I feel like I’m 15 again”, he mumbled in Spanish. Then in English, he said, a little helplessly: “You have to give me at least a clue here, Yuzu, what do you want from me, what do you expect from this relationship... I ... Yuzu, I can’t deal with smoke and mirrors.... I may play Don Quijote well but I’m actually a person who's really down to earth, at least I try to be...”

“Javi must do what Javi wants”, Yuzuru repeated stubbornly.

“And you’re okay with whatever I want?” Javier challenged. “If I get up right now and leave... and never meet with you again while I’m in Toronto, then fly back to Spain without a word – are you okay with that?”

“If this is what Javi wants”, Yuzuru said, softly, not meeting his eyes.

“And if I want to book us a hotel room right now? And don’t pretend you don’t know what that’s about, we’re not gonna be playing cards while we're there-”

“Javi can’t do that without telling Javi girlfriend about it”, Yuzuru said, just as quietly, but resolutely.

“That’s not an answer, let me worry about that part. I’m asking if you’re okay with it.”

Yuzuru hesitated, a blush making its way high on his cheeks as well.

“I think that is maybe a little....a little rush?”

“Aha, well, thank you, finally a straight answer from you”, Javier sighed, with some relief. “Good.”

Yuzuru made a mocking grimace.

“I don’t want to rush things either”, Javier said, honestly. “Like I said, I’m just trying to figure things out. Trying to figure _you_ out, as it turns out. You’re not making it easy for me, you know.”

Yuzuru cleared his throat and Javier looked up at him.

“Story Brian said..”, Yuzuru started, “when I stop in practice and look at flag... I remember all times I stand on podium and look at our flags next to each other and... I feel so much happy, and think how happy and proud Javi is to look up at his flag there because I know how much it means, how much work and pain.... just to stand on podium and look at flag and Javi work _so hard_ , and I _know_ “ – Yuzuru sniffed, partly overcome with emotions, partly frustrated with his English that was too poor to express everything he wanted, but Javier understood and his own eyes went soft and limpid with emotion, but didn’t interrupt Yuzuru, who continued: “.... and then I think, I will never see Javi’s flag next to mine again, and Javi will never stand on podium with me more - anymore. And it is like first time I realize this for real – I think about Javi leaving many many times, but this is first time I understand for real that Javi is not part of my life anymore –“

“Yusu, carino”, Javier whispered, wanting badly to hug him but refraining with all his might, because he didn’t want to interrupt Yuzuru.

“...and it hurts so bad that I just stop. And Brian sees me and asks what is wrong, and I say ‘I miss Javi’, and Brian says ‘Aww, I miss him too’ but now I am crying and Brian asks me what is really wrong, and I say again that I miss Javi _very much_ , and Brian doesn’t believe me this is real reason I cry so hard, he asks if I am injured and I say no, because this was before, you know – this”, Yuzuru made a frustrated gesture at his ankle. “In the end Brian understand I really cry because I miss you and he hugs me and says ‘Even if Javi isn’t here, I’m always here for you, not only as coach but as friend too’ and I say thank you. And Brian says maybe to make friends with people at club and socialize more, you know, what he always say to me. And I say yes, but no one replacing Javi. Brian looks at me strange, like he is sorry for me, and says of course no one replace Javi, but maybe I am being a little less sad if I make new friends. And I say yes of course, because he is being kind, but for myself I know, I will always miss Javi.”

“This is so much more than what Brian said in the video”, Javier said, taking Yuzuru’s hand in his own and caressing his fingers tenderly.

Yuzuru nodded.

“That’s why I surprised he say.”

“Now I begin to understand why he told me off so harshly when he saw us kiss.”

“But it’s nothing new, Javi. Not first time I cry for you”, Yuzuru reminded him, with a smile.

“.....Oh, right, but...that time in Pyeongchang was...understandable, although it still scared me a little. But you were altogether way too emotional that day, and I could see why. But now it’s been _months_ , Yuzu. People usually move on.”

“I think this is what Brian was thinking too. He thinking I move on, but I still miss you.”

Then, because Javier was looking at him with affection mixed with pity, Yuzuru shrugged deliberately:

“It can’t be helped. It’s just life. But you say you want knowing ‘how I feel about Javi’ – so this story is good answer.”

Javier sighed, and pressed a quick but heartfelt kiss on Yuzuru’s parted lips.

“You’re killing me, Yuzu”, he said, sitting back. “Ay dios, whatever I do, someone will suffer.”

In the ensuing silence, Javier looked over at Yuzuru. A late afternoon sun was seeping in through the windows, weaving tendrils of light through his dark hair and painting his skin a warm golden hue. Despite having essentially bared his soul in that emotional tale, Yuzuru looked composed, his eyes glowing warm and soft as he looked back at Javier. It was Javier’s heart which started thudding painfully in his chest, as their gazes held.

“I don’t want to let you go,” he murmured, entwining their hands again under the table, as steps were heard approaching and a waitress came over to clear the table and ask if they would like to order anything else, a polite but unmistakable reminder that they were outstaying their welcome.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for the comments on chapter 2, and sorry for not replying to each! But I wanna thank you a lot for the comments and kudos and for reading, it means a lot! <3 I hope you had a great time celebrating or resting and may the new year treat you well!  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Yuzuru rolled over in bed at the sound of his phone.

Message from Javier:

“When can I see you again?”

Yuzuru typed a quick message back:

“On the ice.”

He smirked as he pressed ‘send’.

“....??? But Brian changed our schedule!!” came the confused reply.

Yuzuru smiled widely.

“Talk to him, then. I want train still with Javi.”

“Ok but when can I see you ALONE?”

“Soon.”

“Tomorrow?”

“No. But soon.”

“: ( “

Yuzuru frowned, considering. He was about to type another message, saying “OK, maybe even tomorrow”, when he received another:

“<3 <3 <3 :* :* :* “

Yuzuru burst into laughter.

“(^з^) Chu!” he sent back, even as he rolled his eyes at himself.

“Yuzuru, are you awake?” his mother called, from outside the room. “Can you help me with laundry? I overslept today and I have to hurry to have food ready before you leave for practice.”

“Sure, mom”, Yuzuru said, jumping out of bed and hurriedly putting on his clothes, opening the door just as his phone beeped again.

“What is it?” his mother asked, as Yuzuru hurried back to check it.

“Nothing, just Javi being silly”, Yuzuru answered, shaking his head, still grinning. “And he’s making me silly too!”

“Everything going fine between the two of you, then?” his mother inquired, with pretend nonchalance.

“Mmm”, Yuzuru nodded. “He’s sweet. And funny. He’s just Javi, you know.” He shrugged, blushing, and then chuckled.

His mother stared at him.

“Okay, did ‘just Javi’ talk to his girlfriend yet about this fling that he has going on with you?”

“He will! I don’t want to rush him, he knows he has to. Anyway, it’s not like we’ve _done_ anything, mom”, Yuzuru said, his voice rising defensively. “We’re just meeting to talk...”

Still skeptical but somewhat reassured, his mother handed him the laundry basket.

 

*

“We should do something fun today!” Yuzuru said.

“Outside is so cold, Yu-su!” Javier complained, sipping at his cappuccino. “Here is warm and nice!”

“But I feel like something fun! Like playing a game. I have a great game at home, let’s go play it!”

“Home? At your house, you mean?” Javier frowned.

“Yes, why not?”

“I’ve never been to your house in all the six years I’ve known you...”

Yuzuru cast him a withering look.

“Javi, you’re dating me now, it is normal you come to my house.”

“So... your mom knows we’re dating, does she?”

Yuzuru shrugged:  
“Of course mother knows, she knows everything.”

Javier nodded with an overly bright smile, as he set his cup down.

“Right then,” he said, with the look of someone who welcomes death.

“Javi...”, Yuzuru crossed his arms with a disapproving look. “You’re not stranger, you know my mother and everything is fine.”

“Yes, but... I remember Brian’s reaction and I can’t help feeling a little traumatized still.”

“Eh...”, Yuzuru waved a hand. “Brian still not okay us train together?” he inquired, with a pout.

“Not ok”, Javier confirmed, sadly. “I talked to him, like you asked me to. He said I have little time as it is to get back to skating shape without any added distraction. But I realized that there’s nothing stopping me to stick around later than usual after practice, so we can have some time together.”

“You do this for me?” Yuzuru asked, happily.

“Of course!” Javier smiled back. “I’d love to, if you’re okay with it.”

“And Brian not angry?”

“Hopefully he won’t mind too much”, Javier made a face. “We’ll be good, keep our hands to ourselves. I want to help you, like I did back then.”

Yuzuru’s eyes softened.

“You help me just being here.”

“You’re going to be just fine. I know you didn’t get good news from the consult, even though you don’t want to tell me, it’s obvious.”

Yuzuru didn’t answer, avoiding his look. He didn’t even tell his mother – he had only told her that rehab was going as planned, which wasn’t entirely true – it was going slow – slower than they envisioned. Also, the doctor had strongly recommended ankle replacement and Yuzuru had just as adamantly refused. Having the surgery would put an end to his pain and recurrent ankle injuries, but it also meant no more skating, definitely not at this level. Yuzuru didn’t even want to think about this, not for as long as he could postpone it, not while there was still a shred of hope that rehab might work. As if in answer to his gloomy thoughts, he felt a sudden sharp pain in his leg, and touched it unconsciously. Yuzuru saw in his minds eye the injured ankle, twisted and misshapen, bound tightly in layers and layers of gauze. He imagined the ligaments being kept firmly in place, welding gradually into their original firmness, stronger even than before, like unbreakable steel. Yuzuru imagined that often, with the secret hope that reality would one day bend to his will, as it did before.

Javier sighed, and Yuzuru blinked, brought back to his surroundings.

“But like you told me once, there’s no such thing as a night that doesn’t end,” Javier said gently, a follow-up from his earlier remark, but it seemed to Yuzuru as an answer to his very thoughts.

He smiled a little vacantly, still wrapped up in a gloomy mood.

“But when you’re on the battlefield, sometimes you don’t want the night ending. Because when light comes, then you see... the death and destruction that happened during darkness.”

“...What?” Javier asked, dully. “Are you ok, Yuzu?”

 “Yes, Javi. I’m a warrior and warriors never give up.”

“Okay”, Javier answered, still uncertain. “Hey, you know what, I just remembered!” he said, poking Yuzuru in the chest playfully, in an obvious attempt to cheer him up, “My friend at whose place I’m staying while I’m here in Toronto is leaving for the weekend, so I’ll have the house all to myself. So if you want, you can come over anytime - on Saturday, Sunday, whenever suits you! I’m thinking of cooking something, maybe I’ll even make a cake as well! And we can play a game too, if you want.”

“But don’t you want to meet other friends during weekend?” Yuzuru asked. “Everyone wants to meet with you while you’re here, and you promise everyone yes.”

“Of course I’ll meet with them, there’ll be time for that too”, Javier agreed. “But say you’ll come.”

“I don’t know yet”, Yuzuru said, but with no trace of coyness in his voice. “I have rehab on weekend too. But I promise I try.”

“I’ll make your favourite Spanish omelette”, Javier winked.

“And the spicy pancakes I like?” Yuzuru smiled for real this time.

“Ohhh, you brat, those are a pain to make! But yes – I just have to remember to go buy the stuff I need. Sure thing, Yuzu.”

Yuzuru played with Javier’s fingers on the table, still smiling.

“I love making you smile”, Javier confessed, a little loopy on the happiness of having Yuzuru close and in a better mood.

“I know”, Yuzuru laughed. “You always do it.”

“And I always can! It’s not always an easy task, but if anyone can do it, Super Javi can!” Javier comically proclaimed, with a grand gesture.

“Nooo, so silly, I die of shame being with Javi!” Yuzuru hiccuped with laughter.

Several faces turned to look at them from nearby tables. The place was more crowded than usual today.

“Shhh”, Javier mock-threatened. “Quiet or they’ll kick us out.”

“Good, then we can go to home and play a game!” Yuzuru said deviously, eyes twinkling.

Javier gave a dramatic sigh and sipped the last of his cappuccino, setting it down next to Yuzuru’s long finished Coke. Of course, he was going to do exactly what Yuzuru wanted.

 

*

Being in Yuzuru’s room was a treat and a torture. It looked like a normal boy’s room, yet to Javier’s curious eyes everything was interesting as he tried to connect it all to Yuzuru – the nondescript painting on a wall, the piles of papers and books in a corner, several earphones sticking out of boxes, an entire large box dedicated only to game dvds, out of which Yuzuru deftly extracted one.

“This we play”, he decided, and then proceeded to beat Javier three times in a row.

“Oh noooo!” Javier complained loudly the third time, then covered his mouth.

“You can make noise, mom not bother. And she leave for shopping soon.”

“It’s not fair”, Javier grumbled. “I can’t play well, I’m distracted.”

“Javi just mad he lose! What distract?” Yuzuru asked derisively.

“By you”, Javier answered, sounding exasperated rather than charming, but Yuzuru still blushed.

“Oh, so Brian is right then, when he says no training together”, he quipped.

“No”, Javier answered, “that’s different.”

He leaned in, like he’d been dying to do since they sat down together, and breathed in the faint flowery smell of Yuzuru’s shampoo. He kissed the soft strands of hair, then pulled Yuzuru from his own floor cushion onto his own, where they settled down, squished against each other.

“Yuzu”, Javier sighed contently.

“It’s nice like this”, Yuzuru answered.

“Yes.”

“Play another?”

“Noooo”, Javier groaned.

Yuzuru chuckled:

“Joking!”

He wrapped his arms around Javier, his hands rubbing aimlessly along his back.

“Mmm. I could fall asleep like this”, Javier mumbled, leaning further into Yuzuru, bending until his left cheek was cradled against Yuzuru’s chest.

“Javi tired?”

“Did I mention Brian has been working me raw? It’s like I’m back in 2012 and he thinks I have a long successful career in front of me.” He chuckled, sadly. “Those days are over. I’m just trying to get one last good thing before I’m gone. Go out with a bang, you know.”

“Seven times European champion Javier Fernandez”, Yuzuru whispered reverently.

“Shhh, don’t say it out loud. You’ll jinx it.”

“Seven is lucky number”, Yuzuru commented. “But not as lucky as eight!”

“Right”, Javier deadpanned, “I won’t be around for eight...”

“If Javi train very very hard...”

“No offense, Yuzuru, but I’d rather not be needing crutches when I’m thirty –“ Javier stopped abruptly, when he realized what he had said, and to _whom_ , and winced. “I didn’t mean that, Yuzu, I’m so sorry!” he said, trying to rise.

Yuzuru didn’t allow it, tangling a hand in Javier’s hair, keeping his head pressed to his chest, his other arm tightening around Javier’s middle.

“It’s ok, Javi.”

“I’m an idiot”, Javier mumbled. “I’m sorry”, he repeated.

“Nnnn! I deserve”, Yuzuru said. “It’s fine.”

“You don’t deserve anything bad that comes your way, Yuzu, none of it!” Javier said, half-muffled but feelingly, wishing he could rise and give more impact to his words. “You deserve all the good things, though.”

“Can Javi talk to universe about this?” Yuzuru asked, laughter in his voice.

“Yes, yes I will. As soon as I get up from here, I’ll have a word with the universe. But right now I’m too comfy where I am.”

Javier rubbed his cheek against Yuzuru’s shirt complacently, then sneakily tried to tickle him. Yuzuru squealed, taking a firm hold of the offending hands and placing them safely around his waist. 

“You can stay here how long you want”, Yuzuru told Javier. “As long as you don’t tickle,” he added, as an afterthought.

“Forever”, Javier quipped. He could feel Yuzuru’s heart speed up immediately, even as he remained silent, and his own heart mirrored it. He tightened his arms around Yuzuru. ‘I’m head over heels in love’, it finally dawned on Javier, but didn’t say the words out loud. He snuggled even closer to Yuzuru and the comforting warmth eventually made his eyes close.

Yumi’s quiet knock on the door and her voice didn’t wake him.

“I’m going shopping. Did you boys want something?”

Yuzuru shook his head, but other than that, he did not move.

“No, but can you bring a blanket please?” he whispered. “Javi is tired, he’s training very hard so he will win his last competition”, he explained, caressing Javier’s curls fondly.

Yumi looked at them assessingly.

“Is he sleeping? Wake him up soon. He’s gonna pull a muscle in his back, bent like that.”

But she went off to get a blanket and placed it gently over Javier, who just carried on sleeping, obliviously.

“Do you want anything else?” she asked Yuzuru again.

“No, mom.”

Yuzuru’s mind was filled with the sound of ‘forever’ and he wanted to have it echo sweetly in his mind for a while, as Javier slept, the weight of him pleasantly new and strange in his arms.

Unbeknownst to him, ‘forever’ already had an expiration date, as they were both soon set to find out.

 

 

“Javi”, Yuzuru was whispering softly in his ear, tugging at his hair. “Javi, wake up. It’s late.”

Javier blinked in confusion.

“Mhhh??? ....? I... where? What....?”

“...You fell asleep.”

“Wha? Oh --- oh. Okay. I’m sorry? Ow!” Javier sat up suddenly and something cracked. He brought a hand to his spine worriedly.

“Easy!” Yuzuru shouted. “Not break anything!”

Once he made sure that everything was still in its proper place, Javier indulged in a huge yawn.

“Wahh!” he reacted, rubbing at his eyes, in confusion. “What century am I in? Who are you?” he joked.

“It’s evening”, Yuzuru answered seriously. “Have dinner with mom and I?”

“I still don’t know who you are, but you’ve got a cute button nose”, Javier said, with a pointed touch of his index finger on said nose. “I accept!”

“Javi work so hard, need lots of good food. Mom makes something special and very tasty, with fish. It will give many energy. Come on.”

Yuzuru took Javier’s hand to lift him to his feet, but Javier tugged him back down only to kiss him. Yuzuru indulged him because kissing a sleep-tousled, soft and warm Javier was something to be readily indulged in.

“Lead the way, handsome stranger”, Javier said, finally letting go, and Yuzuru snorted.

 

*

“So are you coming to my place this weekend?” Javier asked, circling Yuzuru on the ice, taking advantage of his slower pace, only to dash out of the way, cackling madly, when Yuzuru tried to charge at him, like a bull being goaded. His eyes were throwing daggers at Javier by now, and Javier tried to change tactics and play nice.

“Just say ‘yes’ and I’ll let you be”, he tried, with a lopsided smile.

“Javi, you’re so bad!” Yuzuru said, feelingly.

“I know, so you keep telling me. Okay, okay i’ll let you and your greatest love have some quality time alone now...,” Javier snickered. He actually bent down and whispered to the clear cold surface of the ice: “You be good to Yuzu now – don’t mess him up anymore, or I turn you into slush!”

“Ahhh!” Yuzuru groaned, hiding his face in his hands. “Ja-viii, stooop!”

A couple of juniors had paused to watch them curiously, snickering, and Yuzuru suddenly wanted his greatest love the ice to part and swallow him whole so he wouldn’t have to deal with Javi being so ridiculous.

Javier’s cheeks were flushed with cold as he stood up with a grin, and Yuzuru couldn’t stop himself from placing a quick kiss at the corner of his upturned lips. He pulled back quickly, but not quick enough for Brian not to see them from across the ring.

“Oi!” Brian shouted in their direction. “Javi, your time is up!”

“That sounds ominous”, Javier said with a grimace, as he skated off, and Yuzuru giggled.

 

“You know I’m helping Yuzu”, Javier complained, batting his eyelashes at an unimpressed Brian standing by the boards. “He’s not focusing on pain and restriction of movement if I’m here. It’s a difficult time for him and if I can help even a little bit... surely you also see the benefit?”

Brian crossed his arms pointedly.

“Call me a cynical old man but I see the benefit of everyone minding their own business. But since that doesn’t seem to be the case, do tell me, are you two seeing each other?”

“Yes, we are, actually”, Javier nodded defiantly.

“Talked to Lidia yet, have you?”

“I will, I’ll call her tomorrow morning!”

Brian rolled his eyes so dramatically, Javier wondered if they’d get stuck that way.

“We’ve both been busy, and tired, and the time zone difference isn’t making it easy", Javier explained. "She’s only messaged me these past few days. This usually means she doesn’t want to be bothered.”

Brian nodded, with pretend interest.

“Oh, shut up, Brian! Of course I’m not looking forward to that conversation. But it doesn’t mean I won’t do it. Give me some credit, will you.”

“Hey, I’m not your mother, and I’ll only have to babysit you for a little while more. You can do whatever you want.”

“You’re worse than my mother”, Javier mumbled under his breath.

“Get off the ice or start practicing triple-triples”, Brian said, and Javier winced. He hated triple combinations more than quads, and Brian knew that full well. Grumbling, Javier took the blade guards from his coach and put them on. Brian gave him a fond look when Javier wasn’t watching, then his eyes strayed to Yuzuru, who looked absorbed by his movements, but Brian could tell he had been furtively sneaking looks in their direction. There was a big empty space around Yuzuru on the ice, regardless of how the rink was crowded in other places, and Brian realized, not for the first time, that Yuzuru was lonely in his own little world. Well, perhaps not little, Brian corrected himself immediately, in his own _grand_ world, but lonely all the same.

 

*

“Yes, I come this weekend. On Saturday”, Yuzuru said, after he had changed in the locker room, as Javier was coming out of the shower singing under his breath.

“Hmm? Oh! Really? Yay!” He grabbed Yuzuru in an improptu lift, and whirled him around.

Yuzuru laughed, delighted.

“Javi, put me down, you’re wet...and naked”, he complained halfheartedly, and clung to Javier even as he was let down, kissing his wet collarbone before he finally stepped off. Javier blushed, suddenly shy.

“So...I’ll see you on Saturday then. I’m gonna make your favourite stuff, like I promised.”

“You don’t have to work too hard for me. I just come to be with you.”

“But I really want to. Don’t worry. I’d love to. It makes me so happy when you’re eating food I make and you like it,” Javier confessed, a little awkwardly.

Yuzuru rewarded him with a blinding smile.

"Javi is so sweet! I want to be helping too!”

 

*

Javier picked up his phone and stared at it. He had already checked three times that it was five pm in Spain, and therefore a reasonable hour to talk to Lidia. He hated doing this over the phone, but he also didn’t want to postpone it anymore. He was already feeling guilty and wanted to do the right thing. Despite the potential awkwardness of the conversation, Javier was sure that his girlfriend would understand. During the last months, they had been affectionate but remote, like a brother and sister sharing the same space. He had been busy with his shows, and Lidia was caught up in a new project with the theatre. They were supportive of each other but only vaguely interested in the other’s doings. They were still intimate from time to time but much less often than when they started their relationship.

Lidia answered on the the fourth ring, sounding rather harassed and impatient.

“Javi – oh, sorry, did you want anything?”

“Uhhh....”

“It’s just that, I’m in the middle of something right now, and  _a lot_ of stuff’s been happening, and I just found out that Antonio has been talking to the set designer about the lighting without telling me, uhhh I’m so mad! We’re gonna have a disaster instead of a show unless I take care of everything as usual....”

“Lidia, it’s okay!” Javier interrupted. “Um, it’s nothing urgent, I’ll talk to you later. Some other time....during the weekend maybe?”

“Yes, yes”, Lidia answered, relieved. “Love you, babe! Thanks for understanding. Talk Saturday, or Sunday! Ta-ta!”

She hung up, amid a lot of background noise.

Javier sighed deeply, rubbing at his eyes, then shrugged. What’s a few days, more or less?

 

 

Saturday arrived with a splash of sun on snow. Everything was bright and lovely, and Javier shook off his slight hangover with the help of a strong cup of coffee (he had gone out last night for drinks with old friends), and set to work. Yuzuru had announced that he wanted to help Javier, but, kind as that was of him, Javier hoped to get most of it done by his arrival. Yuzuru was thorough and enthusiastic about cooking, but hopeless at it, in Javier’s opinion. For one, Yuzuru pored over each ingredient with the same intense focus he afforded any activity he found worthy of engaging in, which was fine but it also meant that cooking with Yuzuru took twice the time it would normally take. Secondly, Yuzuru wanted to be very precise about measurements and quantities, and what went where at which time, frowning in anguish whenever Javier strayed from the original recipe or whenever there wasn’t an original recipe to begin with, and everything was done ‘to taste’. Javier liked doing everything ‘to taste’, from cooking to skating, and everything else he was good at; he didn’t like overthinking, and valued spontaneity. Cooking was fun because he could be creative with it, and the end result was always tasty, so Javier knew to trust his instincts.  

Javier was in an excellent mood as he placed the pancakes in the oven. The Spanish omelette could wait, he decided, until Yuzu got here so they’d eat it fresh and hot.

He tidied around the house for a bit, and scattered a couple of cushions on the floor around the coffee table. He knew Yuzuru liked to sit on the floor. They were smallish, but they’d have to do.

His phone beeped – it was Yuzuru leaving him a message that he was on his way. Perfect.

“I get Javi favourite wine, is anything else you like me getting?”

“Just you <3” Javier answered, smiling softly as he typed.

Perfect.

The phone beeped again a few minutes later. A message from Nam.

“Hey man, feel like going out again tonight?”

“Nah”, Javier typed back. “Practice tomorrow, remember?”

Another message only a minute later. From Patrick.

“Javi, I hear you went out with folks yesterday, you could’ve dropped me a line too, you know, I’m still around here. Wanna hang out this afternoon?”

Javier sent back: “Sorry, Patrick! I forgot you were in Toronto. I’ll meet up with you next week, I can’t this afternoon. Sorry again! See you soon, mate! xxx”

When the phone beeped again mere seconds later, Javier was beginning to lose his patience.

“What now?” he mumbled. “Oh, right...” – a trusty app had informed him that a childhood friend was celebrating his birthday today. Javier wrote him a happy birthday message with an excess of emoticons, expressing regret that he wasn’t in Spain to partake in the celebrations.

Then he decisively put his phone on silent mode and went to check on the pancakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In keeping with the tradition of misnaming Javi’s gf, I have decided that in this story Javier’s girlfriend will be called Lidia. ;-)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter warning for homophobic slur (1 instance) and swearing

Yuzuru arrived at Javier’s place with a bottle of wine and a blinding smile, just as Javier was proudly surveying the pancakes freshly removed from the oven.

“You starting without me!” Yuzuru reproached, but his eyes lit up on seeing the result of Javier’s hard work proudly put on display. “Mmmm! Smell so good too!”

“You can help make the omelette!” Javier offered. “But I prefer it if you –“ he pushed Yuzuru into a chair lightly – “sit right here and just watch me. It will be done in a jiffy, and we can eat it warm, and the pancakes too!”

Yuzuru opened the bottle of wine and poured a glass for Javi, who paused to sample it, making a noise of satisfaction, then offered the glass to Yuzuru, who didn’t want to appear contrary by refusing, so he took a careful sip. The unaccustomed taste and heat of alcohol mellowed him right quick, so he was content to sit down and watch Javier, who moved deftly around the kitchen, as he selected ingredients, and maneuvered the pan skillfully, chattering away all the while. Yuzuru answered only in few words, distracted by watching Javier and the show he was, half unconsciously, half with proud intent, presenting. Javier’s tight-fitting white shirt was undone at the neck, and the sleeves were rolled up, providing a titillating view of his neck and forearms, glistening faintly with a thin sheen of perspiration, as he worked. Yuzuru felt his cheeks burn hot, his eyes zooming in on Javier’s body with indulgence and the peculiar, if somewhat misguided satisfaction of knowing that this man belonged to him. Yuzuru pulled at his own sweater discontentedly, finally deciding to take it off, since he was wearing a t-shirt underneath anyway. It was sweltering hot in the kitchen – Javier seemed to thrive on it, but Yuzuru felt devoid of his usual energy, though not unpleasantly so. He realized it was nice to be passive for once and just sit back and enjoy without the pressure of being the center of attention himself. He watched Javier bend to retrieve some cutlery from a bottom drawer and breathed deeply, almost a sigh.

“Hungry?” Javier asked, turning to face him.

“Mmmn”, Yuzuru answered, evasively. “Just hot”, he clarified, coughing slightly. He lifted his flushed face expectantly towards Javier, asking wordlessly for a kiss.

“Almost ready. We can go in the dining room to eat, it’ll be cooler there,” Javier said, and obliged, pressing his lips quickly to Yuzuru’s. The kiss was rushed and rough, but with a lingering sweetness that promised more. It went to Yuzuru’s head faster than the wine.

The food was delicious and they didn’t talk much as they ate. Yuzuru realized that he was indeed quite hungry, or maybe just craving the kind of tasty food that Javier could make, and which was so unlike his usual choice of a meal. He almost forgot that he had been fully intent on praising it quite vocally, until he lifted his eyes and realized Javier was watching his obvious high appetite with a fond smile.

“Glad you like”, Javier said, when Yuzuru noticed him looking.

Yuzuru nodded vigurously, mouth full.

“It’s very good”, he said earnestly, once he could speak properly again. “Javi is amazing cook.”

“Wait till you taste the pancakes”, Javier grinned. “More wine?”

Yuzuru shook his head.

“Javi can have it all.”

Javier laughed.

“I love wine, but I won’t drink an entire bottle, even if it’s my favourite, carino. Not now, anyway. Unless you want me to fall asleep on you again”, he winked.

Yuzuru pretended to think.

“Sleepy Javi is cute, but awake Javi is more fun. Hmmmm, I don’t know.”

“Sleepy Javi doesn’t know he’s with Yuzu, but awake Javi knows and enjoys”, Javi mocked him gently. “So awake Javi it is.”

Javier flicked Yuzuru’s hair with an insolent grin, and stood up to clear the table and bring the pancakes. Yuzuru grinned and stood up as well, following in his steps like an excited puppy.

 

Not long afterwards, Javier and Yuzuru were on the couch, and neither could tell who had started it, but they couldn’t keep their hands and lips off each other. Javier deepened their kiss without any seconds thoughts, confident that by now Yuzuru liked all the ‘dirty kissing’ that Javier wanted. After all, they had been practicing extensively. Yuzuru was still a little shy about it and tentative, which was amusing and endearing to Javier – but he had no doubt that would change soon – Yuzuru had to be the best at everything he set out to do. As it was, Javier enjoyed that for once in their convoluted relationship he had the upper hand at something. The fact that Yuzuru himself seemed to like it, his usual dominant and fierce nature softening, positively melting under Javier’s attention – was an added bonus.

“Javi, when you say you want me being here, did you want doing bad things with me?” Yuzuru asked, in a tone of righteous accusation, only his eyes sparkling with mischief betraying his true intentions.

Javier thought that was really unfair of Yuzuru to say, since he was the one who had made a show of licking not only the spoon, but also the entire plate clean, with little kitten licks, messy but thorough, praising Javier’s pancakes with nothing less than erotic moans.

“Would – would you like another helping?” Javier had offered, faintly.

Yuzuru had shook his head, and then proceeded to lick his fingers clean.

Okay so maybe Javier knew he was being played. But he loved it, so he went along.

“Yes, Yuzu, I wanted to do very bad things”, he answered, seriously.

Yuzuru’s triumphant smile was a tempting thing in itself, so Javier leaned in again for another taste of it.

Yuzuru slid one inquisitive hand underneath Javier’s shirt, trailing a slow line from Javier’s abs up to his pecs, pausing to rub absently at his nipples. Yuzuru’s hands were cool and feathery and Javier shuddered, suddenly aching with desire.

“Can I....?” he asked, playing with the hem of Yuzuru’s t-shirt.

“You can touch me under it like I do to you, but no taking it off”, Yuzuru decided.

“It’s like being sixteen all over again”, Javier snickered, but quickly took the opportunity to slide a hand underneath Yuzuru’s baggy t-shirt. The skin felt smooth and soft, muscles twitching under his probing fingers like the lithe body underneath him had never been touched before in this way. Javier suddenly wanted nothing more than to follow the path of his hand with his lips, but Yuzuru had not given him permission. “What are you hiding, hmm?” he asked, squeezing at Yuzuru’s hips with some frustration. “Got any secret tattoos? Bruises?”

Yuzuru watched him inscrutably, a look that would have been more intimidating if his lips didn’t look deliciously red and ravished from their recent kissing.

Javier brought his hand which was squeezing at Yuzuru’s hip to the back of his head and held him in place for another hungry kiss.

“You’re driving me crazy, you know that?” Javier panted, squeezing at a nipple underneath Yuzuru’s shirt, pulling back just to watch his reaction.

Yuzuru’s eyes went incredulously wide, and he let out a comical yelp. Javier burst into laughter, and Yuzuru slapped his hand away.

“Javi already crazy. No more touching”, he said, definitively.

“Awww, don’t be upset, I didn’t mean to laugh at you, that was cute!”

“Crazy Javi must tell girlfriend before touch me more,” Yuzuru said, with a cruel grin, trying to escape from underneath Javier.

“I will, I promise. I am serious now, because this is no joking matter, and I _know_.”

Yuzuru yielded slightly under Javier’s earnest look, and their lips met in another kiss.

“I’ll tell her”, Javier repeated, as he kept on kissing him. “I’ll tell her tonight. You don’t have to worry about a thing. You trust me, don’t you? Ow!”

Yuzuru had bitten him through the kiss – a sharp nip to Javier’s lower lip, and at Javier’s outraged gasp, he simply settled back with the satisfied look of a cat which had just scratched its favourite person when they least expected it.

“That’s naughty, Yuzu”, Javier said, with a reverent grin that contradicted his words. “You’re so bad,” he teased, in a whiny voice, imitating Yuzuru, who laughed hysterically, and started to lift himself up. Javier pulled Yuzuru back down underneath him and continued: “You know I’ll make you pay for this in kind...”

Trapped in between Javier’s arms, Yuzuru sucked in a breath in excited anticipation, but capriciously turned his head just as Javier leaned in. Javier pressed him further into the couch and licked at his cheek instead, sloppily, making Yuzuru laugh, then moved his lips further down with purpose.

“I wanna lick you all over, naughty Yuzu-“

“No bruises”, Yuzuru cried out, writhing and kicking, as Javier sucked at the sensitive skin of his neck.

“Why not?” Javier said, unrepentant. “It’s gonna be a while before you show yourself in public, right? And when you do, everyone will know you’re mine.”

Yuzuru closed his eyes with a shudder and held Javier closer.

“I like that...very much”, he confessed.

“I like that too. I like _you_ , I want you so much, Yuzu, want you so bad...”

 

It was evening when Yuzuru eventually left Javier, although he initially intended to leave much earlier.

Javier lingered in the kitchen, washing the dishes, and it was another little while till he remembered his phone was still on silent. He switched it back to normal mode, checking for any missed messages and calls. There were a couple of missed calls from Lidia, but he decided it was too late now to call her back, she was probably sleeping.

The phone rang in his hands suddenly, startling him. He checked to see who it was and answered on a cheerful, if slightly confused tone:

“Hi, mom! How are you? How come you aren’t sleeping, it’s late!”

“Oh, Javi, I can’t sleep, and I thought I must speak to you today, I must congratulate my son! This is great news, I am so happy!”

“....Mom?”

“Happy for you both, and wish you the very best in the world!”

Javier froze in his tracks – his mom couldn’t be talking about him and Yuzuru, he was sure he hadn’t mentioned anything of this sort to her. He wondered if Brian called her, or maybe Yuzuru’s mom...? For a few long seconds, he blinked in pure confusion, while his mother babbled on:

“....Oh, I still can’t believe I’m going to be a grandmother....”

His mother went on talking, but Javier’s mind shut off after that. Trembling, he felt around for a chair and collapsed into it heavily. He stared unseeingly out the window into the darkness.

“....Oh I keep going on and on and you probably just want to talk to Lidia! I’ll get off the phone, I just wanted to say I love you, so much, my boy! You always made me so proud, and you deserve happiness – and there’s no greatest happiness than holding your child!”

Javier finally found his voice, although he could still feel the cold sweat, like an unpleasant second skin, clinging to his back.

“I love you too, mom. Thank you for calling me. Take care of yourself.”

Javier ended the call and sat, head spinning with a whirlwind of emotions, staring into space, and tried to think. But there was really nothing to think about, he knew that – even if he did allow himself a few moments to imagine he had the luxury of a choice. There was only one thing to do and he steeled his heart for it. He picked up the phone again with numb fingers, and called Lidia.

“Javi –“, his girlfriend’s excited voice answered, “Javi – I tried calling earlier several times - I hope I didn’t bother! You don’t have practice on Saturday too, do you?”

“No, sweetie, I just didn’t hear the phone, because I was on the street and there was a lot of noise around”, Javier lied, cringing at himself. “And then mom called...”

“Ohhh I’m sorry, when I couldn’t reach you, I just called everybody! I just had to call her too, and tell her! I’m sorry, I should’ve waited, I really wanted to tell you first, but I was just so excited....even now, I can’t sleep for excitement! I wish you were here with me!”

“Tell me everything, Lidia”, Javier whispered.

“I didn’t get my period when I should and at first I was like ‘whatever, this happens’, right? But then, I thought- what if, you know?? We haven’t been exactly super careful all the time, right? And then, on an impulse, I went out to buy a pregnancy test and guess what – positive, Javi, positive! can you believe this?? I’m pregnant, Javi! What news to get, and in the very first month of the year, too! Oh, this is gonna be such a wonderful year!

“It will be”, Javier answered, with a genuinely fond smile, hearing Lidia’s excitement. “Lidia, listen – I love you. I will win at the Europeans for you and the baby. The medal, when I return, it’s for you. Take care, I’ll see you soon.”

“Javi, are you really happy? You sound a little... I don’t know. You didn’t want this now, did you? I’m sorry I didn’t even stop to think, maybe this is not good news for you, we never really talked about.... And we’re both so caught up with other stuff... gosh, I know _I_ am... but for me, now everything is less important than this! It puts all into perspective, you know? And everything else just pales in comparison – I’m pregnant, Javi, and I’m so happy!”

“Sweetheart, I am happy, too. It’s just unexpected. And I’m pretty tired from practice, it’s hard getting back on track. But I’m fine. Please don’t worry about me and take care of yourself. I want to see you healthy when we meet. And eat well, you’re eating for two now. Ok, babe?”

He heard her laugh a little wildly on the other end of the line.

“There goes my diet, I guess!”

After ending the call with Lidia, Javier wandered around the house a little, still hazy. He was going to be a father. As Lidia said, this should put everything into perspective, and it did, for him as well. Javier would be a parent, and that meant so much joy but also a lot of sacrifices, like his parents did for him. In a way it meant that his life, as he knew it, was over. Javier couldn’t afford to be irresponsible anymore. His feelings were Yuzuru were still painfully strong, unlike anything he ever remembered feeling for someone, even in light of this. But Javier would have to put his own needs and desires second, and think first and foremost of his child’s wellbeing, even if they weren’t born yet. Telling Lidia about Yuzuru now was unthinkable. Breaking up with her was unthinkable. He would finish practice in Toronto quietly, go to Europeans, where he would hopefully win, and then back to Spain and the mother of his child. As Javier’s thoughts turned to Lidia, it became clear to him, with a pervasive sadness mixed with guilt, that although he was fond of her, he was not actually in love with her anymore. He wondered if he ever had been, or if he only allowed himself to be swept up by a momentary attraction into a relationship, and then an engagement, and now, what would inevitably have to become a marriage. But he still cared for her wellbeing and felt protective of her, all the more now since she was carrying his child. He was certain he wouldn’t do anything to hurt her – not now, nor ever. If that meant ripping Yuzuru out of his heart like an invasive surgery which would leave him scarred for life, then so be it.

Javier decided he would have to tell Yuzuru, as soon as possible. He wasn't going to make the same mistake and keep him in the dark about his intentions until it was too late. So he picked up his phone again and texted Yuzuru a short message: “I have to tell you something important. Please meet me as soon as you can. Our usual place, they have open until 2:00.” An answer came in less than than a minute: “OK.”

 

Javier had tried to prepare himself mentally, for what would inevitably have to be their last meeting – he would be brave, no matter how Yuzuru reacted, no matter how he lashed out and hurt him, Javier would bear it all stoically and give nothing but kindness in return. He would school his hands not to touch what wasn’t his any longer, what was _never_ Javier’s to begin with. He would teach his heart not to yearn.

Javier was on his second beer when Yuzuru showed up, dressed in the same clothes from earlier, the familiar blue padded jacket and track pants, a knitted ring scarf around his neck to protect against the cold outside and waving a gloved hand at Javier to attract his attention, as if Javier could have eyes for anyone else in that moment.

Javier waved back, trying to smile. Yuzuru laughed, eyes crinkling at the corners, as he sat down next to Javier.

“Are you being drunk, Javi? Not good! What is it you want tell me now when you just see me today?”

Javier felt like crying. Far from giving him liquid courage, the alcohol only served to make him even more stupidly emotional.

He avoided looking at Yuzuru who was pressed against his side, and Javier didn’t have the heart to pull away. He said quickly, before his cowardice got the better of him:

“There is no easy way to tell you this Yuzu, so I’ll just come out and say it. I was going to tell Lidia about us tonight, but I didn’t. I didn’t because...she told me something first. She’s pregnant. My girlfriend is pregnant, I am going to be a father. I wanted to tell you as soon as possible. It wouldn’t be fair otherwise. I....”, he gulped another mouthful of beer and nearly choked – “I’m sorry, Yuzu, please don’t hate me. No – God, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to tell you what to do – please hate me if it makes you feel better, I deserve it-“

“Javi.”

There it was again, the sound of his name on Yuzuru’s lips, and Javier reacted the same as he did when he heard it in the locker room after Brian told them off – with excitement and fear that he might not get to hear it again, only this time the fear was much stronger, and Javier was much weaker. He turned teary eyes to Yuzuru inquiringly.

Yuzuru looked pale and shocked, but he was struggling valiantly to keep his composure, even to smile.

“Thank you for telling, Javi. I don’t hate you. Never. I tell you before - Javi must do what Javi wants.”

“Yuzu, don’t--“, Javier whispered, strangled. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. He would welcome curses, accusations, punches, kicks – anything but this....acceptance. Yuzuru was supposed to cry, argue, slap Javier across the face, anything violent and mad that would answer the despair that lay heavy over Javier’s heart at the thought that they can't be together.

Instead, Yuzuru just sat there, looking at Javier with a small pained smile, eyes brimming with tears like Javier’s own, but his features were clear and not twisted with anger and frustration like Javier had imagined they’d be – in fact, Yuzuru was positively glowing with a self-sacrificing love that Javier hurt to see more than blind hatred. Shredding all that remained of his pride, Javier lowered his eyes and cried out in anguish:

“Please, Yuzu, tell me what I should do. Please - I’ll do whatever you tell me to do.”

“You know it yourself, Javi. Go home to girlfriend who has baby. Javi will be great father. I am happy for Javi.”

“Yuzu...”, Javier repeated, lost.

Even though he had been set on doing just that, Javier realized that a part of himself still held on to the crazy hope, hidden deep in his heart, that Yuzuru would somehow try (and succeed) to change his mind, take this decision from him and make everything alright – if anyone could do it, Yuzuru could, and Javier would just go along with it, like a man led to the gallows who receives a royal pardon, because he had that much faith and trust in Yuzuru. But Javier should have known better, and if he hadn’t been so blinded by his own ridiculous guilty hopes, he’d have realized – Yuzuru couldn’t do any of those things because he wasn’t like that. Instead, it was in Yuzuru’s own nature to be self-sacrificing, and, true to himself, there he sat with a sweet, gentle smile on his face which hinted at a depth of suffering buried underneath that picture-perfect exterior. A façade that Javier suddenly wanted nothing more than to shatter, sully, defile, so he could get to the raw misery underneath and then maybe Javier wouldn’t be alone in this hell of his own making.

Javier realized he was crying only when he felt Yuzuru’s arms around him, holding him tightly.

“Shh, Javi. Don’t cry. It is fine. I’m friend, Javi. I’m always Javi friend.”

“Uh –“, Javier finally reacted, trying to behave a little more rationally than a lost child. He swallowed, and looked around. He noticed that the waitress (it happened to be the same one as when they first came here) was staring at them from afar, but once Javier spotted her, she quickly looked away and went off to mind her own business, perhaps embarrassed to have witnessed the entire scene, even if she couldn’t have heard what they were saying. Javier hoped she didn’t know who they were. “Should get home, it’s late...”, he sniffed, “ll get a taxi, we’ll go together, drop you off at home... I’m sorry for making you get out of the house again so late, Yuzu...”

“It’s fine, Javi. Don’t worry. I was still on bus when you called, I just took bus back.”

Javier didn’t deserve Yuzuru’s look of pure love, not now, not after all this. But he found himself returning it, and squeezing Yuzuru’s hand, he trudged out of his seat and went over to the waitress.

“Excuse me, can you call us a cab?” he asked her, softly, as he paid the bill, and left her a tip.

“Of course!” she cheerfully answered, and took care of it efficiently. Javier sighed in relief. “3 minutes’ time, out front”, the waitress informed him, putting the phone down. “Rough day, was it?”

“Oh, you don’t know the half of it”, he laughed tiredly, slightly startled, but not displeased, because the woman looked sympathetic.

She nodded seriously.

“Night brings good counsel”, she said. “Have a good rest, and be back soon!” she smiled at Javier, and Yuzuru, who was approaching, as well.

It crossed Javier’s mind that of course, they wouldn’t be returning here, so he gave a tight noncommittal smile. Outside, their cab was waiting. Javier told the driver Yuzuru’s address and after they climbed into the backseat, he became acutely aware that his time with Yuzuru was fast running out. Tick-tock, the seconds ticked by – Javier reached out and grabbed Yuzuru’s hand impulsively, hating himself for it immediately because now he had to right to, and he shouldn’t indulge like this any longer. But Yuzuru had seemed to expect it, because he tightened his own grip on Javier’s hand, with a smile. Javier saw the drivers’ eyes in the rear view mirror zoom in on their interlocked hands with an inscrutable expression, but he couldn’t care less at that point – Yuzuru was holding his hand and they still had some way to go through the Toronto streets, teeming with life even on a cold Saturday night, and for a few moments, everything was fine. Javier exhaled slowly, shakily, as if allowing some tension to leave his body. Yuzuru half turned, and Javier saw his face, half in darkness, half lit by the streets lights as the cab stopped at a crossing. Yuzuru traced the lines of Javier’s face with his fingers softly, a barely-there touch that held so much affection and longing, it made Javier’s eyes water again. Without even realizing what he was doing, Javier grabbed the wandering hand and turned it, pressing a lingering kiss where the palm met the wrist, feeling Yuzuru’s pulse beating wildly there.

“Hey, none of that in my cab”, came a loud voice, which made them startle, and jump apart.

“Excuse me, what??” Javier inquired, confused and annoyed, his nerves already on edge.

“I said none of that while you’re in my cab. I get hired to drive people, not watch them fuck.”

“What the hell? We weren’t even doing anything, you fucking homophobe!” Javier shouted, incredulous and righteously enraged, ignoring Yuzuru’s attempts to calm him down.

The driver gritted his teeth, but repeated:

“I get hired to drive people not watch them fuck in the backseat. Got nothing against gays, alright, but it’s the third time this month. If you ain’t got money for motels, find a bush somewhere”, he said derisively.

Javier suddenly saw red in front of his eyes.

“Do you get hired to be an asshole to people, too?!” he yelled, snatching his hand out of Yuzuru’s grip to bang on the separating window.

The driver turned abruptly on a side alley, where he stopped the car, killed the engine, then climbed out. He rushed over to Javier’s side and opened the door, foaming with rage:

“Get out! Get the fuck out!” he bellowed. “How dare you bang on my window, you fucking fag! I’ll paint your face black and blue!”

“How dare _you_ , fuckface, talk to your clients like this?” Javier shouted back, unrestrained, as he climbed out in a rush, ready for a fight. “I’ll have your number and report you-“

“Go ahead!” the driver answered, unconcerned, “report me, they know the types I have to deal with late at night around here.”

“Please, please”, Yuzuru tried to appease them both, his eyes wide as he followed the proceedings anxiously.

“Don’t worry, you can stay, now I got rid of the troublemaker,” the driver told him, as he kicked the cab door closed, and locked it with a snicker, just as Javier rushed to pull it back open. “Nuh-uh”, he grinned at Javier. “Find another ride, matey!”

“No stay, let Javi back in!” Yuzuru cried from the inside.

The driver walked around the car, to resume his seat and drive off, and Yuzuru tried to open the door from the inside, but it wouldn’t open.

“Relax kid, I said you can stay, I’ll take you where you wanna go”, the driver said, as he got in.

“No, I having no money with me! You let me out, then!”

“Chased off your source of income, eh? I’m sure you’ll find other ways to pay me”, the driver laughed unpleasantly.

Javier couldn’t hear their exchange, but appeared to understand that he wasn’t going to be let back in and he kicked at the door despondently, beginning to resign himself to his fate. The cab driver started the car and was about to drive away, when suddenly Yuzuru let out a piercing otherworldly shriek which, even through the noise-reducing windows, made Javier fall over in sheer panic.

Everything that Yuzuru kept locked inside him, all the pressure, guilt and fear, all the pain and the injustice, the shattered hopes and ruins of a would-be future, was released madly for a few seconds through that unrestrained cry. Javier had wanted Yuzuru to let go, he wanted to have a glimpse of that, but now he was afraid he hadn’t known what he was asking for.

The cab skidded to an abrupt halt, the driver removing his hands from his ears only enough to unlock the doors. Yuzuru finally stopped screaming, and he stumbled outside, coughing. He barely made it out, kicking the door closed behind him, when the cab took off like lightning.

Still frightened, Javier grabbed Yuzuru’s shoulders and looked him over, worried.

“Yuzu, dios mio, are you alright? Take it easy....Shhhh....”

Yuzuru shook his head, still coughing a little, and Javier pulled him close into a hug, trying to calm them both.

“What an awful night”, he muttered, “just what we needed....what a stupid asshole... I’m sorry I got so angry, that’s what set him off, it’s just that.... _everything_ , you know, and then this guy picks on us and it’s just...”, he trailed off, rubbing at Yuzuru’s arms, reassuringly. “Are you alright, Yuzu? I understand that you’re mad, that guy pissed me off so much too, but when you screamed like that... never do that again by the way, it scared me shitless, although it also scared that asshole, so well done – but I just want to know what happened, if you’re alright-“

“I’m fine. He is not letting me out, I say no money with me, he say I’m paying other way”, Yuzuru answered tonelessly, then over Javier’s gasp of outrage, he continued: “But not only why I scream. I scream because everything is too much.”

Javier pulled him back into his arms.

“I know, Yuzu”, he said feelingly. “I know. I’m so sorry, carino. It’s all my fault. I’m sorry about everything.”

Yuzuru made a sound of protest, but Javier only repeated that it was his fault. He tightened his arms around Yuzuru and Yuzuru reciprocated. ‘This isn’t indulgence, it’s only comfort’, Javier told himself. ‘We’re both in desperate need of it.’

“We can’t be staying here”, Yuzuru said eventually, muffled by Javier’s jacket. “But no more cabs tonight.”

“No more cabs tonight”, Javier agreed. He sighed. “I’ll call Brian to come get us. We have the biggest ‘I told you so’ coming up, but he’d have found out eventually, I suppose.”

Brian answered the phone amidst a background noise of music and glasses clinking, with a ready-made joke:

“Hello, Javi!” he said, grandly. “Are you calling to tell me you caught the flu and can’t make it in on Monday? Or that you will eventually make it but you’ll be outrageously late?”

There was faint laughter and chatter in the background.

Javier could imagine him winking at what he assumed was a gathering of common acquaintances. He sighed and rubbed at his forehead.

“Um, no. I’m calling to ask if you could come pick me up. Us, actually. That is, uh – unless you’ve been drinking. If you have, uh, then don’t, I guess.”

Javier cursed himself for not thinking of this possibility. It was Saturday night after all, and of course Brian would be out drinking with friends, relaxing after an exhausting week of work. There was quiet at the end of the line, and then the background noise gradually faded.

“Javi?” he eventually heard Brian’s voice without any trace of amusement this time. “Are you ok? What’s going on? Where are you?”

“Uhhh.... I don’t know, I have to check GPS to see where exactly we are, some back alley somewhere.”

“Javi, are you drunk? Are you hurt? Who are you with?”

“Not drunk, not hurt – well, not physically anyway. I’m with Yuzu who’s not drunk or hurt either.... and I really don’t want to say more over the phone, Brian. Please come get us, and we’ll tell you everything.”

Yuzuru pulled on his sleeve to get his attention. He was holding his phone, to show Javier the name of the alley where they were, and Javier told Brian. Then he waited for it - a storm of questions, anger, disbelief, but Brian was quiet for a few moments, and then he only said, dully:

“I’ll be right there.”


	5. Chapter 5

_Love craves self destruction,_

_It’s a blizzard in hand_

_You lay you cards on the table_

_But you’re not in command_

_So burn with the fire,_

_You so eagerly lit_

_Watch the flames flicker higher_

_Say I don’t care about me_

 

Brian was calmer than Javier had imagined, once he had finished telling him everything.

“How come you manage to find possibly the only asshole cabbie in Toronto”, Brian said, shaking his head slightly.

“....That’s it? That’s your only comment?” Javier asked, bewildered.

“For now”, Brian answered, inscrutably, and held the door open for them to get in, which they did, meekly.

Brian started the car and backed off from the alley in silence.

“Awkward family road trip”, Javier whispered to Yuzuru, who only looked at him blankly, not understanding.

However, Brian overheard him and  answered coolly:

“I don’t know exactly what you’d like me to say, to either of you. I warned you that this would end bad, and it has. It seems redundant now to twist the knife in a fresh wound by scolding you. I’m not even surprised. Although, I am a bit disappointed that you are still making out in the back of cabs, but – baby steps, I suppose. Speaking of which, congratulations, Javier, on the joyous occasion-“

“We weren’t making out!” Javier protested, tiredly. “And – uh, thank you.”

“- even though you look more like you received news of an impending funeral, than an impending birth.”

Javier didn’t answer.

Brian’s voice gentled, as he continued to watch him in the rear view mirror.

“I’m sure the happiness will come in time, once it really sinks in.”

Javier nodded. He could feel Yuzuru looking at him in the near-darkness, but didn’t dare to look back at him, for fear he’d do something stupid. Something like taking his hand again, something like laying with his head on Yuzuru’s chest and falling asleep again, pretending that they were still carefree and blissfully ignorant.

“Yuzuru, are you okay?” Brian asked, the first words he addressed to Yuzuru that night.

“Yes”, Yuzuru nodded vigorously, smiling so obviously forced that Brian had to sigh.

 

When the car stopped in front of his place, Yuzuru stepped out, with one last lingering look at Javier. Brian waited until they saw him safely enter the building, then he turned to Javier.

“So I will be the one left after all to pick up the pieces,” he intoned, vaguely.

“I think Yuzu will be fine. I really hope so”, Javier said. “He took this much better than me. He was calm and accepting.”

Brian snorted, starting the car again.

“You really don’t know Yuzuru very well, do you?” he commented, and it sounded a little jeering to Javier.

“Oh, and you think you know him better?” Javier piped up, annoyed. “Let’s face it, neither of us really know him.”

“I’ve tried very hard to make sense of him. I like to think I’ve succeeded, at least partly. And he’s been more open lately, he shares things with me. Like telling me he missed you. He never would’ve told me that years ago.”

“Congratulations, I guess”, Javier interjected, sarcastically. “Maybe ‘cause his English is better?” He was irritated at Brian, and he didn’t even know why.

“I don’t want him to turn moody again, but I suppose it’s inevitable now”, Brian went on, as if speaking to himself.

“I’m sure he’ll be fine”, Javier repeated, pointedly.

“I’ll make sure that he is,” Brian said, more to himself than to Javier. “Like I said, I saw this coming.”

“I bet you can’t wait for me to be off, right?” Javier snapped. “So you can comfort him, with your newfound closeness?”

“What exactly are you implying?” Brian asked, coldly.

“It’s just that suddenly, Yuzuru is your favourite, you’re all but bending over backwards to understand him, coddle him, make sure he’s alright, you’re yelling at me because you think I’m not good enough for him. It didn’t used to be like this. What changed?”

“You’re obviously a little crazy right now, Javi, and have no idea what you’re talking about...”

“No, no. That’s not it. I may be a little crazy with misery right now, but this is something that’s been obvious to me ever since I got back. You’ve been harsh to me, Brian, you’re riding me like a junior-“

“That’s because you’re out of shape, and lazy. I’ve always been yelling myself hoarse at you. Can’t believe you’ve forgotten already.”

“But it’s different now. You used to yell at me because you cared, now you’re yelling because you want to push me away.”

“Maybe that’s how I deal with you leaving for good this time”, Brian said, quietly. “We all deal differently, Javi.”

Javier’s mouth fell open in shock.

“You don’t have to look so surprised. Just because I’m your coach, doesn’t mean I’m not a human being. I had a lot of affection for you, Javi. I still do. It hurts to see you leave. It always hurts me when they go....but when you did, it left a big empty space – it was difficult, and not only just for Yuzu.” He shrugged. “Please don’t imagine my feelings have anything... untoward. You’re like my son, Javi. I hope you’re not seriously entertaining the possibility that I could behave improperly towards you – or Yuzu, for that matter.”

“No, Brian. I’m sorry”, Javier deflated, wholly regretting his outburst. It seemed everywhere he turned he ended up hurting the people he cared about, without meaning to. “I’m just – I’m sorry for everything.”

Brian nodded, a little tightly.

“I know you’re a mess right now, but you should get it together, boy”, he said, with a little more authority. “Cheer up. Maybe becoming a father is the best thing that could happen to you”, Brian went on, but Javier wasn’t listening anymore.

Looking listlessly out the window with unseeing eyes, Javier was wondering about Yuzuru – would he share this with anyone, was he now alone in his room – in his bed, crying – or asleep already? Did he mean what he said, that the best thing for Javier to do was to go back to the mother of his child? Would he change his mind? Was there any hope – for the both of them?

*

Yuzuru entered the apartment, closing the door behind him quietly. The house was dark and Yuzuru didn’t want to wake his mother – he knew he’d have to tell her eventually, but he didn’t feel up to that conversation tonight. He was exhausted and emotionally drained.

Crawling into bed without taking a shower, he picked up his phone and looked through his message history with Javier. The more one lingered, the more it hurt – his best hope was to rip the band-aid and hope it will be a while before the phantom pain of it registered in his mind. So before he could overthink things, he deleted all of them – messages, call history – then with the same mad rush, he selected all the photos of Javier he had saved onto his phone, and paused only briefly before deleting them, as well. The empty screen glared back at him mockingly. Yuzuru put the phone on the nightstand, his lips set in a tight line, feeling as if he took the first step on a long, thorny road. But he would be strong and he would not stray from it, though his feet may bleed. His mother will be proud of him. Brian too. And Javi – Yuzuru forced his thoughts to turn away from Javier, lest his resolve and all his good intentions crumbled to dust and he ran out of the house in the middle of the night and right into Javier’s arms. Javier, whose girlfriend was pregnant. Javier who would make a wonderful father. Javier who was _in love with him_ , Yuzuru was certain of that by now. He bit his fist to the point of breaking the skin, just to keep from crying out in anguish. ‘Here it comes’, he thought – ‘I must brace myself for it - that special pain that I’d never known before, that my mother wanted to protect me from, that she warned me about. The pain that makes people do crazy things, that I’ve only seen in books and movies... I thought it would be beautiful....But it’s awful, and I only feel like a pitiful creature, like I want to crawl under the earth and hide, like I want to vanish. I wonder.... could I turn it into something beautiful? I must think of this more.’

While Yuzuru was not a stranger to pain, he believed he had discovered the strange process of alchemy by which he could turn suffering into beauty and strength. But he was dealing with an unknown metal now, and he had to dissect it carefully before he could tell if it would yield to his efforts to transform it.

One thing that Yuzuru did know, with a sad but final degree of certainty, was that he’d never love again. Loneliness has been a choice for him so far, and perhaps it was also fated that he’d always be lonely. He’d carry the scar of his unfulfilled love his entire life, and maybe in time, it would heal. But the wound would never be re-opened to allow anyone into his heart like he had, almost unwillingly, allowed Javier. That hadn’t even felt like a choice to begin with. Yuzuru never meant to fall in love so deeply and irreversibly with a Spanish man whose life story intersected briefly with his own, but whose own destiny lay elsewhere – a man who appeared, by all accounts, to be straight; a man who never showed him anything but kindness. When Yuzuru realized he had fallen in love with Javier, he also accepted the impossibility of having his feelings returned. But fate, with an exquisite kind of irony, had shown Yuzuru his feelings were returned, only to then take Javier away from him completely.

Yuzuru smiled sadly in the darkness of his room, his fingers lightly touching the pillow, as he imagined caressing Javier’s face in a gentle goodbye.

‘If this is my fate, then I will carry himself proudly, and take it all with strength and kindness. It is my duty and I will carry it out.’

 

*

The next morning, when Javier took a large sip of the hot cup of coffee to chase away his exhaustion, his lower lip throbbed with unexpected pain at the contact with the hot liquid. He remembered immediately Yuzuru’s possessive kiss, his little teeth clinging petulantly to Javier’s lip, leaving behind a delicious sting. Javier gnawed at the split hungrily with his own teeth, wishing it would never heal. Yuzuru also would bear blossoming purple marks of Javier’s own making on his neck and shoulders, and would be reminded of Javier’s passion for him, at least for a while, at least until they faded. Yuzuru would have to cover them up now, so no one would ask questions. No one else would know, and Javier would never get to have him. He remembered how all this started – with Javier’s fear that he might lose something terribly important – and now that fear became a reality, as fears often do.

There was nothing for it – he would have to brave it. He just wished he could make it all better for Yuzuru. If only Yuzuru wouldn’t suffer, he’d take all the pain upon himself, and gladly. But life didn’t work that way. The only thing Javier could do was to make sure no one else got hurt.

 

*

Training was a painful affair these last few days. In a rather ironical turn of events, Brian decided to change their schedules so they could train together, no doubt to allow them as much time as possible to say goodbye properly, but for both Javier and Yuzuru that was now pure torture, to have this borrowed time, in which they may not touch each other or even speak to each other as they wished to, only look from afar, with the knowledge that they would part ways very soon.

During his last day of training in Canada, Javier experienced some moments of pure panic. He remembered the offer he had made to Yuzuru during their first date about going to a hotel room together and bitterly regretted not having done so. Overcome with a jittery recklessness, he resolved he would do anything – plead, beg, threaten, debase himself, make any outlandish promise that would be asked of him – to get Yuzuru to spend that last night with him. He’d probably hate himself in the morning, and Yuzuru too, and it would most likely ruin their friendship, but to a lovesick Javier, aching with loss and the imminent threat of departure, it seemed to be worth it, if only for those final moments of closeness.

But when he went into the locker room at the end of the day, to gather his things and leave for good, it seemed like every part of that room and every item he put away told a story, and it all came back to Yuzuru and him and their – sometimes strange, contrary and difficult, and yet sweet and unexpectedly close friendship they shared throughout all these years. Javier sniffed, then chuckled as he remembered the picture he took a long time ago a few feet from this very locker, of Yuzuru, head in his hands, supposedly crying over his Super Javi outfit which looked uncannily like Yuzuru’s favourite teddy bear. He’d posted that picture on instagram and proclaimed it to be ‘best picture ever’. A lot of people seemed to agree. Javier was still smiling when Yuzuru came in, seemingly drawn by the power of Javier’s emotions, as his training was not yet over for the day.

“Hey”, Javier said, looking at him with shining eyes. “I was just thinking about you – and all the good times we’ve had here at the club.”

Yuzuru’s eyes turned suspiciously shiny as well, but he didn’t cry. He merely nodded, and smiled widely.

“I’m gonna miss this place”, Javier went on. “It’s been my home for the past seven years. Gonna miss everyone.”

“Everyone gonna miss _you_ ”, Yuzuru said, barely audible, as if forcing his voice not to break.

“Well, ‘everyone’ can still come and see me. Yuzu – listen. I know it’s difficult. But please come to my wedding, to my house, as a friend”, Javier entreated. “Let’s do ice shows together again. Just please, whatever happens, don’t avoid me, carino. I wouldn’t be able to bear it.”

“You must not calling me this now”, Yuzuru protested, studiously avoiding to look at Javier or agree to his requests.

“Look at me”, Javier insisted. “I can tell my hands not to touch, but I can’t force my heart not to love. It doesn’t work like that. It’s impossible not to love you, carin- _Yuzuru_.”

“My heart is also tied to you forever”, Yuzuru said. “I will never love someone other, only Javi.”

“No, Yuzu” – it was Javier’s turn to protest now, “you are going to meet someone wonderful and fall in love, and have a happy life, like you deserve to. More than anything, I wish this for you. All I ask is that you don’t be a stranger, Yuzu. Don’t vanish from my life entirely, or I’ll think I’d dreamt you”, he joked, smiling sadly.

“I will do ice shows with you still, and visit your family. But I can’t come to your wedding, I’m sorry Javi, I just can’t.”

“.... Okay, Yuzu, just don’t say anything definite now. Maybe you’ll change your mind later. I’ll invite you all the same. And please know that everyone would be happy to see you, not just me.”

Yuzuru watched Javier as he gathered his things, leaving his locker empty, the door creaking mournfully half-closed. Next, came the noise of Javier’s backback being zipped shut – a noise that held a firmer finality.

“Good luck, Javi”, Yuzuru whispered. “I’ll cheer for you.”

Javier turned and the look of defeated longing and repressed passion in Yuzuru’s eyes was like a deadly hit to his newfound resolve. He drew in an abrupt breath, and suddenly, his earlier madness returned. He fell to his knees in front of the bench where Yuzuru sat and gripped his hands to the point of pain.

“Yuzu”, he whispered, “please stay with me tonight, please for the last time, come with me now, we’ll go to a hotel, I need you with me, Yuzu, I want you, _just once_ -“

Yuzuru smiled, not angry, but shaking his head in a definite refusal, even before Javier had finished speaking.

“Shhh, Javi. You know I can’t. It’s okay, it’s gonna be okay”, he tried to appease a devastated Javier, pulling his hands out of Javier’s white-knuckled grip, to run them through chestnut curls instead, and kissed Javier’s forehead lingeringly. “Here now, I just give you some fire you asked for. Remember you asking me that? Now you will fight and win, yes? _Seven times European champion Javier Fernandez_.”

Javier laughed wetly, remembering Yuzuru saying this to him only a few days ago, in his room. It seemed like that happened a lifetime ago, in another universe. ‘You’ll jinx it’, Javier had protested then, coyly.

But now he said:

“I will.”

_One month later_

“A spring wedding!” Lidia proclaimed. “That’s what I want, a spring wedding.”

“Hmm? Of course, love.”

“The timing is perfect. In April, the weekend right before your birthday!”

“Oh? Wait, I can’t then. I was invited to World Team Trophy exhibition, didn’t I tell you?”

“Oh, but you can cancel, right?”

“I don’t know, it pays really well, dear.”

Javier was lounging on the bed playing a game, and Lidia was at the table, in front of her laptop. She raised her eyes at him, annoyed, but then gave in.

“Right okay, how about next weekend then?”

“Next weekend is probably fine”, Javier reassured her.

“Okay. Don’t be afraid to show a _little_ more enthusiasm”, she said, sarcastically.

Javier threw her a quick look.

“Yaaaaay”, he deadpanned.

“It’s a good thing I’m excited for both of us. Hmm”, she pondered, “what are the chances of us hiding this wedding from everybody except your close family and mine?”

“Uh- What?” Javier asked, bewildered. “Why would you want to do that?”

“Oh, I’m just not very thrilled by the prospect of everyone gawping at me and my growing belly.... people I don’t know, and those insufferable media people.... I’m not famous, Javi, I didn’t ask for all this.”

Javier sighed and put his game aside.

“I know, Lidia, but for me, attention is a good thing. It brings more job opportunities. And there are people – friends of mine, who would be really hurt if they weren’t invited. My coach, for one. Former coach”, he corrected himself. “And other friends from Canada.”

“Right”, Lidia said, still pouting. “More people to judge me....”

“Oh come now, Lidita, where is this coming from? You're being very emotional these days, you know there’s no one judging you! And even if they were, who cares? You’re my wife and they’ll have to deal with it.”

“I guess....”, Lidia smiled. “It’s just that I’m a bit... I don’t know. Still not used to all this.”

“It will be fine”, Javier said, soothingly. “You don’t have to worry about a thing.”

 

It was late March when Lidia got the news during a routine doctor’s appointment, that the baby would be a girl. She called Javier to tell him, as he was away at that time, to meet with some sponsors in Barcelona.

When Javier came home a couple of days later, her excitement was still just as strong and she positively leapt at him, as soon as he entered the house.

 “It’s been three days since I got the news and I still can’t stop smiling! Javi, we’re going to have a baby girl! This is great, isn’t it?”

“It’s fantastic”, Javier said, smiling, putting down his bags, and gently caressing her hair. “How are you? Are you alright? Feeling well?”

“Yes, yes! We should decide what we’re gonna name her!”

“Hmmm, I don’t know. Any ideas of your own?”

“I’m thinking Magdalena. It was the name of my grandmother who raised me”, Lidia said. “She had a hard life. I’d like to think her heritage lives on. But if you want something else, we can talk about it.”

“No, I like it. It’s a very beautiful name.”

“Well, she’s gonna be a very beautiful girl”, Lidia beamed.

 

*

Javier had managed to slip away quietly during the European Championships gala, avoiding a teary farewell. But he should have known that things would be different at World Team Trophy. Even though he wasn’t there to compete, and there wasn’t even a ‘team Spain’ to begin with, he had always been invited to WTT galas and treated as a special guest. Javier assumed it was because Japanese fans seemed quite fond of him, and he suspected at least in part Yuzuru’s influence.

At the end, their friend, Nobunari Oda, came on the ice with a microphone.

“Yuzuru, you have said that you would like the chance to speak about Javier. Here is the moment for this. What would you like to tell us about your former training partner?”

Yuzuru picked up the microphone with his usual focused expression. He spoke in Japanese, slowly and carefully, as the translator tried to convey his words in English as clearly as possible.

“I think Javi is a man of great valour and talent. He has reached the end of a long career and should be proud of his achievements. In fact, I know that he is, because he always knew his limits but also his worth. He is a proud man, and why should he not be? Even though our culture values being humble over being prideful, I think it is healthy to have honest pride in one’s abilities. I understand and respect that. And now I begin to understand that it was Javier’s faith in his own talent that has saved him a lot of times. His pride was like a guardian of his talent-“ the translator pronounced the last sentence uncertainly, not knowing whether she conveyed Yuzuru’s meaning accurately and perhaps wishing he’d stop waxing poetically.

Javier grinned, hiding it behind the huge bouquet of flowers. It seemed that Yuzuru had thought about him, a lot.

Nobunari interrupted him:

“You said once that you thought Javi was too kind for competition.... do you still think that?”

Yuzuru nodded.

“Do you think - if he was less kind, then maybe he would have won more?” Nobu asked, shrewdly.

Yuzuru made a face.

“...n-nno”, he answered eventually. “Not over me”, he answered, honestly.

The crowd laughed, Javier included.

“Ah, we were talking something about pride earlier....”, Nobu took the opportunity to tease Yuzuru.

“But I think if Javi was less kind”, Yuzuru followed his thought, “maybe he wouldn’t have won so much anyway. Because he always showed something of himself there on the ice, for the world to see, and it was always beautiful."

Yuzuru didn’t stammer on the last word, but the translator did, involuntarily touched.

The crowd clapped in enthusiastic agreement, and Javier felt his heart was full to burst. This was the best send-off.

 

*

“Your friend, Yuzuru, is he single?” Lidia asked airily, one day over breakfast, a few days after their wedding.

Javier nearly choked on his coffee.

“What?” he asked. “Why?”

“A friend was asking me at work about him. Like ‘asking’ is putting it mildly. She watched him skate and said she'd never seen anything so beautiful in her life.” Lidia huffed a little, rolling her eyes as she said it. “To each their own....”

Yuzuru hadn’t come to their wedding, apologizing for an urgent commitment and sending a gift instead. Javier had expected it and understood it all too well, but Lidia was more than a little miffed, pointing out that it was very unusual, since everyone deemed Javier and Yuzuru to be such good friends. At some point during the wedding, Javier thought that Lidia looked confused and a little sad when the talk drifted briefly to Javier’s former training partner, whose absence was indeed glaring, but then she perked up and he assumed he was projecting his own mixed feelings on her. Lidia made no mention of it, and did not react when someone less than good-naturedly suggested that maybe Yuzuru thought he was too famous now to hang out with the likes of them. Javier didn’t react either, merely gritting his teeth in a forced smile.

Now Javier thought that maybe Lidia’s dislike of Yuzuru had only been very well hidden.

“Anyway,” Lidia waved a hand, “she insisted a lot that she wanted his phone number, so I promised to ask you. “ _Ohh you gotta ask your husband for his phone number please, please,”_ she mimicked in an exaggerated whiny voice.

“Uhh, I can’t give away Yuzuru’s phone number to random people, Lidia, surely you understand that”, Javier said, without even pausing for thought.

“Well, she’s not exactly ‘random people’. She’s a friend of mine, isn’t she? She’s a bit zany, but all in all a nice person.”

“Yuzuru has very bad English. They wouldn’t understand each other”, Javier blurted out, a little snappier than intended.

“Really? How does he communicate with you then?” Lidia asked, bursting into incredulous laughter.

“Not very well.”

“I see...”, Lidia said. “Oh well. I’ll just tell her he’s taken but he doesn’t want to advertise it because of all his fans.”

“That’s probably also true. He likes to be mysterious. I don’t even know him that well. He didn’t even come to my wedding.”

“Yeah, that was a bit strange, wasn’t it? I mean, all this talk about you two being so friendly, and then he doesn’t come to such an important event in your life... I can understand if most of the friendly act was because of the media and fans, because you wanted to prove that you can be both friends and rivals, but-“

“It wasn’t like that”, Javier interrupted her. “We never put up an act. We really were friendly to each other. But we have different lives now, especially since I retired.”

“So many of your other friends came, though”, Lidia said, “....and from different corners of the world, too. And they were all so much fun. I sometimes wonder what it was like, being a part of that community. It looked like you were one big happy family.”

“We were, sort of”, Javier smiled. “But also not. There was also rivalry and little petty annoyances about each other getting in the way. But you’re right about one thing, there was a real sense of community.”

“And it’s not like you’re entirely out of it now. You’re still part of this world, you’re going to do ice shows, you’re gonna coach...”

“Yeah. It’s even better now. I put the stress of competition and scoring behind me, and I still get to skate the way I want to, just for the audience.”

“You’re a born performer, Javi”, Lidia gushed, “I always thought you were better during shows- oww!” she reacted suddenly, placing a hand on her belly.

“What is it?” Javier jumped from his chair alarmed. “Does it hurt, what happened?”

“Shhhh – just come over here, Javi”, she said, a bewildered look on her face.

Javier hurried over, still worried.

“Here”, she said, taking his hand and placing it over her belly. “She’s kicking! She packed a wallop, my little strong girl- Aw, there! Feel that?”

“Oh my god”, Javier whispered, reverently, feeling the kick. His face lit up in a wide grin. “Lidia, she’s kicking!”

“I know!” came the excited reply. “There – again!”

“Isn’t it hurting you?” Javier asked, sobering slightly at the thought.

“Nah, it feels a little strange, but there’s no pain. It’s just awesome!”

“It’s amazing”, Javier echoed, nearly bursting with happiness. “My baby....” He placed one arm around Lidia, keeping the other on her belly. “My two amazing girls,” he proclaimed.

Lidia giggled and caressed her own belly.

“I can’t wait to meet you, Magdalena.”

 

*

“It was great”, Yuzuru proclaimed backstage, during the first stop of their FAOI tour. He was the last to step off the ice, as always. “They loved it,” he laughed in delight, breathless but radiant with joy, lighting up the dim corners with his smile and the sparkles on his costume.

Something in Javier’s brain short-circuited as he reacted by pulling Yuzuru close, then covered his laughing mouth with his own, in a crushing kiss, with no regard to whoever might pass by and see them. Yuzuru was frozen and stunned for a few seconds, but then recovered enough to push Javier away, or try to. For once, Javier seemed to be stronger than him, fierce desperation giving him an added dose of strength and he wouldn’t yield. Javier held him like he was drowning and Yuzuru was his only lifeline, and kissed him like they were sharing a last dying breath. Yuzuru’s heart was pounding wildly, in fear that they might be discovered, or else that they had both gone mad. It felt as if Javier was stealing the very air from his lungs, and he stopped trying to push him away. If he was going to die like this, he’d welcome it. No longer resisting, Yuzuru’s arms coiled around Javier like clutching snakes. Time seemed to stutter to a halt.

And then, just as suddenly as he had crashed into Yuzuru, Javier pulled away abruptly, as if burned. Yuzuru swayed on his feet, momentarily dizzy - black spots were dancing in front of his eyes, marring Javier’s handsome face, leaning in close to his own. Javier appeared to be speaking to him and Yuzuru took several deep breaths, trying to focus on what he was saying.

“--alright? I’m sorry”, it finally broke through to his consciousness. “But you were just so beautiful. It hurt to look at you.”

Yuzuru thought he knew how Javier was feeling, as he looked into his eyes, shining with unshed tears, his face, ravaged with emotion – love and guilt and despair, repeating that he was sorry.

“Javi, it’s alright, it’s alright.”

Even as he smiled reassuringly at Javier, he knew - this could never happen again.

For the rest of the tournament, Yuzuru was very careful not to be alone with Javier again. Not only because he couldn’t trust Javier, but with a sinking feeling, he realized he couldn’t even hope to trust himself.

During their last stop, Javier approached Yuzuru, raising his arms, palms outward, as if trying to prevent an easily startled wild animal from running away.

“Yuzu, hey, I just want to talk, is that okay? Just want to say something to you....please?”

Yuzuru hesitated a little, then nodded, as Javier approached. A little distance away, Stephane was talking to Nobu so they weren’t entirely alone. He turned his attention to Javier.

“Yes, Javi?”

“Look – you didn’t come to my wedding, and I understood and forgave you. But please, I’m asking as a _friend,_ come visit me and Lidia in our new house. The baby will be born soon, maybe you’d like to meet her? It would mean a lot to me, Yuzuru. For the sake of our friendship. Remember what I asked you back in Toronto? Don’t be a stranger.”

Yuzuru looked away, asking for strength and guidance from the blank bare walls. It looked like they were closing in on him. He looked back at Javier, nodded, and smiled.

 

*

Lidia gave birth on a sunny day in August to a healthy baby girl. Her name, as agreed, was Magdalena, but Lidia’s grandmother, in honour of whom the baby was named, was the first to decide it was too long a name for such a small baby. She was the first to shorten it to Malena, as she helped wash and feed the child, protesting to those who interfered that she had washed and fed so many generations, it was second nature to her by now. Javier’s mother crossed her arms in front of her and rolled her eyes, content to fuss over her granddaughter when Magdalena’s namesake wasn’t around. But everyone gradually took to calling the little girl Malena.

Yuzuru came to visit, as promised, when Malena was a few months old.

Lidia lifted the child from her crib, proudly, and held her up for Yuzuru to see.

“Hello”, Yuzuru whispered, waving. “My name is Yuzu. I am happy to meet you.”

The little girl blinked inquisitively up at Yuzuru and reached a hand towards him.

“She has loong eyelashes, like Javi”, Yuzuru giggled, allowing the baby to poke him with her little stubby fingers.

“And she inherited his curly hair too”, Lidia nodded. “My family, we all have straight hair.”

“She’s so sweet”, Yuzuru said, in the same low voice, as if afraid of startling the child.

“She’s precious”, Lidia agreed, kissing her cheek.

Malena yawned widely, as if suddenly exhausted by all the attention she was receiving.

“You can put her back, maybe she wants sleeping”, Yuzuru said.

“She slept a lot last night, so she’s not very tired. She’s a very good-natured child. We don’t have much trouble with her, she only wakes up two or three times a night now that she’s a big girl.... Yeees, yes, you’re a big girl now-“

“Only?” Yuzuru echoed, confused.

“Haha”, Lidia laughed. “You don’t know much about children, do you? Babies are usually so exhausting! My grandma told me that I was a very cranky baby, and kept her up all night even if I’d only just been fed.”

Yuzuru stared, making a slight noise of sympathy.

“What about you?”

“...I don’t know”, Yuzuru admitted. “I never think to ask and mom never tell.”

“Yuzu was probably a handful, as well”, Javier intervened, jokingly. He stood up from the couch, and approached them.

Lidia handed Javier the baby with a smile.

“Hola, mi pequeñita”, Javier smiled down at her, and the baby fussed in his arms, making little sounds of excitement.

“She loves Javi’s voice”, Lidia explained, beaming, as she bent over the crib to smooth down the sheets and fluff up the little pillow.

Yuzuru nodded, watching Javier and his daughter with a fond smile on his face.

“Here, you wanna hold her for a bit?” Javier asked Yuzuru.

“Ah – no”, Yuzuru panicked. “I don’t know how!”

“You’ll be fine, just hold her head.”

Yuzuru shook his head, terrified at the prospect.

“I afraid I hurt her. She’s so small!”

“Alright then....maybe next time”, Javier relented, and looked at Yuzuru lingeringly – _there will be a next time, right?_ his look seemed to say.

Yuzuru nodded briefly, with a tight smile. _There will always a next time with us, Javi –_ came the unspoken answer.

“How about we give her the toy you brought her, Yuzuru? See if she likes it,” Lidia said, breaking the moment. “And then we’ll let her sleep for a while and we’ll have some wine.”

Before he left, Yuzuru said goodbye to the baby, touching her tiny hand with the tips of his outstretched fingers, cooing at her softly. She looked round at him and smiled widely, as if he was familiar to her by now. Yuzuru mirrored the smile and continued to talk nonsense to her in soft tones. Malena gripped his little finger and giggled back at him. Yuzuru startled when he realized Lidia was watching them, an inscrutable expression on her face.

“She likes you”, Lidia pronounced. “She’s just beginning to take an interest in the world. Some people she likes, some she doesn’t.”

Yuzuru nodded, strangely moved by that.

 

Yuzuru visited again on Malena’s second birthday, along with his mother. Yumi and Lidia talked about baby stuff, exchanging opinions and memories. Yuzuru sat with Malena on his knees, while she poked in fascination at his necklace. Javier simply watched Yuzuru. He hadn’t seen him in more than a year. Yuzuru had only skated in a couple of ice shows this summer, resting after an exhausting season. People were saying he was less of the flamboyant, reckless fighter he had been, now choosing his fights more wisely, less afraid of losing, aiming for longevity above all else, his ultimate goal Beijing the following year. Some said his countless injuries were taking a toll on him. But he surprised everyone all over again by breaking yet another record and securing yet another World Championships gold, against all odds. His name was on everyone’s lips ahead of the Olympic season and his fame was slowly but surely transcending the sport. Javier didn’t know how Yuzuru was really doing – whether he was happy or sad, or in pain, how fit he was really, and for how long he could sustain himself with the sheer force of his ambition and mental strength. They only exchanged the barest pleasantries these days, in the rare times when they saw each other, always surrounded by other people. Javier knew he had no right to ask for more, and yet he still loved Yuzuru, and was hurt by the distance between them. And in the occasional flicker of longing mixed with something like fear that sparkled in Yuzuru’s eyes when he looked at Javier, he could tell that his feelings were still returned.

But Javier didn’t think of any of these things now as he watched Yuzuru – he was busy memorizing again every little detail he would miss about Yuzuru in the long months to come, the sweet turn of his lips, the exquisite shape of his eyes, every new quirk of expression, the beautiful lines of his body, every gesture and word was captured and treasured.

“How are you, Javi?” Yuzuru asked him, softly.

“Fine”, Javier nodded noncommittally, with a faint smile.

“How is skating program doing?” Yuzuru asked.

Javier made a grimace.

“Government pulled funding.”

“Yeah, I guess they’d rather give footballers more money”, Lidia said, rolling her eyes dramatically, having overheard him, “as if they don’t have enough,” she put in bitterly, and turned back to Yumi.

Javier chuckled.

“Lidia doesn’t like football”, he explained to Yuzuru, in a conspiratory whisper.

Yuzuru only nodded, frowning.

“But...maybe I can help? Maybe Japan helps, if I talk to right people-“

“No, Yuzu. I wouldn’t dream of it. Like you said once, I’m a very proud person. No.”

“Then what about make big show here, call many famous skaters, I’m sure everyone will come, I can come too....then people buy tickets to see it and bring money and then....”

“Yuzu, I know you wanna help, and I’m grateful, but please – mind you own concerns, okay?”

It came out a little sharper than intended, and for the first time, the enforced distance between them was a palpable thing, and they had to admit it had changed them a little. Javier smiled again, a little apologetically, a little sadly, and asked, a peace offering:

“How about you, how is life treating you? How is your ankle?”

Yuzuru stiffened, as if that was another attack.

“Fine”, he echoed, just as flatly as Javier’s earlier reply had been. “Training hard”, he added.

“Are you gonna make it three?” Javier asked, referring to the looming Olympic season.

“Maybe”, Yuzuru shrugged, with some annoyance - then spoke up, a little more determinedly: “Yes. I owe it to my fans.”

Malena screeched on a high note, waving her arms restlessly, a little miffed at being ignored.

“Shhh”, Javier reacted, laughing, reaching out to caress her curly hair, just as Yuzuru’s fingers had started to do the same. Their hands met, involuntarily. It was the first time Javier and Yuzuru touched each other in a long time, and the warmth they felt at the unexpected contact made their previous awkwardness dissipate. Javier smiled, this time real and bright, and Yuzuru mirrored it.

“She’s a bit of a brat”, Javier said, fondly. “Everyone gives her way too much attention.”

“She doesn’t like being ignored”, Yuzuru stated the obvious.

“Reminds me of someone I know”, Javier quipped.

“Next time I visit, I bring her a necklace like mine. She loves it.”

“She likes everything that’s bright and colourful. She’s a happy child.”

Yuzuru lifted Malena on her little feet on his knees and gently bounced her, holding her hands for balance. Malena gurgled and giggled, forgetting about the necklace.

“I love her so much”, Javier confessed, watching her. “She lights up my life, and every other disappointment, like the lack of funding, fades in comparison. I’ll manage somehow. It’ll be alright.”

Yuzuru gave him a long look, like he was about to offer help again, but then just nodded, with a warm smile. He started to sing in a low voice a song in Japanese, bouncing the child on his knees in time with the beat.

"Who is that?" Javier asked Malena, in Spanish, pointing at Yuzuru. "Malena, who is that?"

Malena giggled louder.

"Who is singing to you? Who is it?"

"Yu!" Malena shouted. "Yu!"

"Yu-su", Javier corrected.

Yuzuru stopped singing, so he could laugh out loudly.

"You teaching her wrong!"

"Yu---su!" Malena repeated, finally, and got a hair ruffle from Javier, who grinned.

"Bien hecho, mi pequeñita."

 

*

“Malena, what is it, what’s wrong, baby?” Lidia came in, worried, followed by Javier.

“Why are you crying, love?” he asked, urgently. “Are you hurt? What happened?”

The little girl was hiccuping and yelling, her face red. She spoke, interrupted by frantic sobbing:

“The-the doll – I ruined it! My favourite doll and now it’s ruined!”

She pointed at a doll, lying abandoned on the floor, next to a pair of scissors.

Lidia picked it up. Javier’s breath caught in his throat when he realized it was the Asian doll that Yuzuru had brought her as a present the last time he was here.

“I wanted to dress her in new clothes, cause she de-deserves new clothes too!” Malena whined.

“Oh sweeetheart, but why? Her costume is already so pretty!” Javier piped in without thinking. The doll wore a beautiful white dress that splayed at the waist in the shape of white feathers. It reminded Javier of Yuzuru’s swan costume.

Lidia stared at him hard, and Javier shut up.

 “I – I know it’s pretty!” the child wailed. “Soooo pretty, and now I ruined it!” She collapsed on the bed, crying inconsolably.

Lidia turned the doll over and examined it. The girl had tried to cut the dress off at the back, but because the costume was glued to the doll, the doll itself was now nearly cut in half and the costume was still fastened on.

“That’s no problem, baby”, Lidia said. “I’ll have it fixed. Don’t worry. Shhh, just stop crying, love.”

Lidia sat on the edge of the bed, and Malena shuffled into her lap, burrowing into her.

“I ruined it”, she repeated.

“No, you didn’t, love. It’s easily fixed”, Lidia soothed, caressing the child’s hair. “There now, go to daddy, while I fix....what’s her name?”

“Yuki”, Malena sniffed.

“Yuki will be right as rain,” Lidia proclaimed. She winked at Javier and went off.

Javier bent to pick up Malena and placed her on his shoulders. The child loved to be carried around high up, and she laughed, forgetting her earlier tears just as quickly as they had come, as she pretending to ride him like a horse.

“Where do you want to go, mistress?” Javier asked, trotting on the spot.

“Go, go, run, run, faster!” Malena shouted, excitedly, kicking her little feet.

Javier ran out of the room and the entire length of the hallway, from one side to another, while his daughter squealed in delight.

“There now, this old horse is tired”, he said, finally, as he took her down, and kissed her red cheeks, then collapsed into an armchair, breathing hard, but smiling.

“Ok, old horsey can rest now, I will bring it food too”, Malena said, preoccupied.

She went and shuffled into a corner and returned with a closed fist.

“Here, horsey, have some food.”

Javer bent over her little palm and pretended to pick up imaginary food and munch, making delighted noises.

“Mmmmm, very good food, thank you, I’m full!”

Malena climbed onto his lap and pulled at Javier’s curls.

“Now I’m going to groom horsey!” she announced, and Javier braced himself stoically for a bit of pain, but suddenly, the child seemed to get a new idea. “Daddy, daddy! Will you help me colour a pony?” she said, clapping her hands in excitement.

“Hmmmm”, Javier pretended to think. “I don’t know, I guess, if you can teach me, maybe!”

“Yes!” she laughed, and went off to fetch the colouring book.

 

*

Javier was awakened in the dead of the night by a call.

“Javi – I’m sorry to bother you at this time of night. Uhh – this is gonna sound weird, I’m sorry, but – have you heard from Yuzuru?”

“No, why?” he asked, closing the door behind him as he went out of the bedroom.

“He didn’t come to practice today, and his mother doesn’t know where else he may be. We’re a little worried and calling everyone who knows him at this point, even if they’re half a world away. I’m sorry, I should have realized you’d know nothing. Sorry to bother!”

“Oh my God, Brian”, Javier ran a hand over his face. “Stop saying sorry.... And for god’s sakes, call me back when you find him, no matter what time it is! Wait, did you try his phone?”

“Of course we did, Javi. There’s no answer. Now, I’m sorry to do this, but I’m gonna have to hang up on you.”

“Of course, I understand. Take care, Brian. And call m-“ the call disconnected, before Javier could remind Brian to call him again.

Javier returned to bed and lay there, still stunned, staring at the ceiling.

“Who was that?” Lidia asked sleepily, beside him.

“No one”, Javier answered automatically. “Go back to sleep.”

“Bad news?” she insisted, worried by the sound of his voice.

“No”, Javier murmured, as if trying to reassure himself. _“No.”_

In the oppressing darkness, his thoughts superstitiously wandered to Malena’s broken doll, and he shuddered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics at the beginning of the chapter from the song The story so far by Flogging Molly


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Considering the added tags, I thought I’d better change the rating to M, but there’s nothing really graphic going on in this chapter.

The next day arrived without a call from Brian. Javier picked up the phone and dialed Yuzuru’s number, absurdly half hoping he might answer. The phone went immediately to voicemail, Yuzuru’s voice telling him something in Japanese, probably to call again later. He called again, and again, just to hear Yuzuru’s voice speaking to him cheerfully, Javier’s own heart twisting into knots every time.

 

The third day finally came with a call from Brian. Javier’s eyes lit up as he picked up the phone in a rush, and practically skipped out of the room to take the call.

“Brian”, he breathed out, overwhelming relief colouring his voice. “You’ve found him.”

At the other end of the line, Brian winced, unhappy to bring more disappointment to Javier.

“Javi... no, I’m sorry, we haven’t. The police got involved and... well, they’re asking all sorts of question. You can imagine the usual questions that are asked in such cases - if he had any trouble, any mental issues, any personal relationships we know about. I just called to let you know not to worry, that I didn’t tell them about you... I mean I told them only what everyone else knows, that you and Yuzu trained together some time ago and that you were friends, but not about - you know....”, Brian trailed off. “I just thought, it was all a long time ago and why drag up the past, it surely has nothing to do with whatever’s happened now. I didn’t want to make trouble for your family.”

Javier restlessly bounced his leg on the pristine surface of the bathroom tiles, staring with empty eyes at Malena’s rubber duck abandoned on the floor. An unfamiliar pain, frightening in its potency, squeezed at his chest like a vice.

“Thank you Brian, but I – _we_ have nothing to hide. If you think it helps – if it helps them find Yuzu, then you have my permission to tell them everything. I don’t care about any sort of ‘trouble’ or what everyone else may think-“

“Yes, but how can it possibly help?” Brian asked. “Javi, is there anything else, that perhaps I may not know... about you and Yuzu?”

“No, Brian, we weren’t having a secret affair, if that’s what you’re asking”, Javier answered heavily, with just a shadow of sarcasm to lighten the mood. “I only see him twice, three times a year if I’m lucky, that’s how it’s been recently...”

“Thank God”, Brian breathed, relieved. “Then I told them the right thing. Don’t worry, Javi, and don’t lose hope. And if anyone comes to ask you about Yuzu, please don’t feel compelled to - overshare, okay? It wouldn’t help anybody.”

“I don’t see how lying is going to help anyone, either”, Javier said, a little off-put. “Any inconvenience would be a small price to pay, if it helps them to find Yuzu.”

Brian sighed, sounding harassed and impatient.

“Obviously, I can’t tell you what to do, Javi, you’ve always been stubborn and emotional and chaotic, but my personal advice would be not to drag this up. If anything, it would distract the people trying to find him, because it would be a false lead. There is no way that his disappearance now is connected to a fling you guys had four years ago.”

 _It was more than a fling_ – Javier’s mind protested, screamed in anguish. _I wouldn’t feel like dying right now because of a simple fling._

“They told me to prepare myself”, Brian continued, and now Javier could finally hear the fear that Brian had tried hard to hide under the mask of brusque rationality. “They said that after 72 hours of active search, if the person has not been located, the chances of finding them alive drop significantly.”

Javier gritted his teeth together until a dull but satisfying pain in his jaw distracted him from the vice wrenching his chest. However, hearing it spoken out loud – the same fear that gnawed in the back of Javier’s mind but which he was reluctant to give words to, had the incongruous effect of grounding him.

“Don’t they have any clues, at all?” he asked, mutinously, with a hidden implication of ‘Why aren’t they doing their job?’

“They haven’t really told me much”, Brian admitted. “Maybe his mother knows more. But I know they advised her to go on tv and ask for information, because they have next to nothing to go on at this point.”

 

*

“It has been three days since my son has gone missing, and the police have done their best to find him. I am grateful to them and I understand that they have limited resources and there are a lot of people who are going missing every day and a lot of parents who hope to find their children.... They are telling me not to lose hope but to have realistic expectations. I understand that. I understand, but I am a mother. So this is a call for help, for kindness, let’s help each other. If you know something, or if you’ve seen something, anything suspicious, that may shed a light on what happened and can help find my son, I promise I will reward you.”

Yumi’s face broke momentarily, her voice wavering. This was incredibly difficult for her, but she had somehow managed to push through it.

Javier stifled a sob, as he watched her. Beside him, Lidia was also watching, pale and still with shock.

On the screen, Yumi fought to master her emotions, and only had the strength to utter:

“Please give me back my son alive and I promise you _anything_ -“, before she broke down into pitiful tears.

Javier nodded, numbly. Whether Yuzuru had been abducted or disappeared of his own will, it would take a heart of stone not to be moved by that plea. He could imagine that all over the world, that plea was echoed, and a lot of people would be eager too help.

As it turned out, they were perhaps too eager - in the coming days, it would prove difficult to answer all the calls, sift through all the messages, many of them good-intentioned but not providing anything except good wishes and hope, others with legitimate suspicions but which proved irrelevant once investigated, and yet others willfully intending to deceive, out of a need for attention or a personal grudge.

 

It became a media circus, but at the end of two whole weeks, there were still no leads and no outcome. Yumi had not appeared in the media again and did not attempt to reach out with another message.

 

Javier was contacted by several journalists, but he refused to agree to interviews. A part of him, however, still couldn’t help feeling guilty of hiding whatever there had been between him and Yuzuru, gnawed secretly by the outlandish possibility that it might provide a vital clue in whatever happened to Yuzuru. The only cure for such thoughts was the reminder that both Brian and Yumi knew everything, too, and if they had thought it was relevant, they would have mentioned it to the police. The idea that Yumi especially would hold something back if she thought it could affect Yuzuru, was unthinkable. Perhaps the police even knew, but didn’t think it relevant enough to be worth pursuing. After all, what could Javier tell them, aside from baring his soul in a pitiful way and confessing that even though married and a father, he still yearned after the one person he couldn’t have. He couldn’t even hope to shed any light on Yuzuru’s mental state before his disappearance. It was somewhere in the back of Javier’s mind – as undoubtedly it was in others’ as well, that Yuzuru had finally decided that the pressure and fame and status brought on by his ever-growing popularity had reached the final straw; and so he made the conscious decision of quietly but permanently removing himself from the public eye. Javier hated himself for such thoughts that implied a certain cowardice from Yuzuru’s part, so incongruous with the personality of the Yuzuru he had known of old – still, a traitorous part of his mind still foolishly hoped that might be the case, because it meant that Yuzuru was safe. The alternative was horrible – Javier was tortured by the possibility that Yuzuru might have died somewhere, alone and frightened, as a result of kidnap for ransom gone wrong, or a wilful murder by a crazy person who had fixated on him. It didn’t bear thinking about, and yet Javier’s exhausted mind kept serving him possible scenarios, nightmare fuel that gnawed at him in ever new and strange ways. Not knowing for sure what had happened became a torture in itself, the great unknown creating monsters that fed on his very uncertainty, amping up his suffering to a near madness.

Lidia was carefully avoiding him, sensing that Javier was a ticking time-bomb of barely repressed misery. Only Malena still sought him out, seemingly unaffected by Javier’s strange mood, and she was the only one who could make Javier smile and forget for a while.

 

A little over a month had passed when Javier called Yuzuru’s phone again, on an impulse. A dispassionate voice answered immediately: “We’re sorry, you have reached a number that has been disconnected and is no longer in service-“ Javier threw the phone to the wall in a fit of desperate anger, and then he sank to the floor, finally allowing himself to _break_ – loud unashamed sobbing and liberating tears he had long kept at bay.

Lidia approached him tentatively, as if afraid of Javier’s possible reaction, but still moved by a powerful desire to comfort her husband. She kneeled next to him on the hard floor and put out her hand, touching Javier’s face slowly, ready to move away at any moment, but Javier only leaned into her slightly. She cupped his face and caressed it, hushing nonsensical but appeasing words:

“Shhh. Shhh. It’s okay, baby.”

Javier muttered something and clutched her to him, crying desperately into her chest until there were no more tears. Lidia held him patiently, only soothing him with soft words from time to time.

After a while, Javier pulled away, a little embarrassed. Lidia’s camisole was wet with his tears and had slipped a little off her shoulder. Javier reached out to pull the strap back on, his fingers lingering slightly on her skin, in a grateful, affectionate touch. She put her hand on his thigh, and caressed him, first only in warm comfort, then with definite intent, her well-manicured nails teasing dangerously close to his crotch. Javier turned towards her and kissed her, as if on autopilot, his movements grounded in familiarity. Still gently, Lidia moved down his body, slipping off her panties and unzipping Javier’s jeans. She tried to get him to respond to her, and for a little while, it seemed like he did. Javier held on to her waist a little desperately, eyes closed tightly, breathing hard. She sank down onto him even if he wasn’t fully hard, riding him easily, only trying to speed up her movements when it appeared that Javier was retreating somewhere, far – far out of reach – she clutched at him with her body and tried to hang on, to bring him back.

Javier couldn’t do it.

“I’m sorry,” he said, maneuvering Lidia gently away from his lap.

“No, I’m sorry”, Lidia answered with a sigh. “I only wanted to make you feel better.”

Javier kissed her forehead.

“Thank you. And forgive me. Let’s go sleep.”

 

Gradually, as time passed, Javier realized he could bear to look at photos of Yuzuru on his phone with only a wistful sadness instead of bone-crushing anguish. His silent cries of ‘where are you, what happened to you?!’ had quieted down to a depressing but calming certainty that he’d never see Yuzuru again. He used to lie in bed, lethargic and unwilling to start the day, long after Lidia had got up, and browsed through pictures –

this one was taken during their very first competition as team mates, Finlandia 2012, with his much-treasured, now old and battered La Liga scarf –

another one, the two of them making the peace sign on a bus -  

another, taken by Tracy, of Yuzuru helping him up after Javier had fallen on a jump during practice –

a pic Brian took of their first podium together -

the ‘best picture ever’ of Yuzuru crying over his Super Javi outfit –

a group picture in the locker room -

another group picture after Javier won his first world championship –

Javier smiled at each of them and wanted to get lost in them like in a world that was now forever closed off to him but he still hoped to reach, as if clicking his heels together could somehow get him back home.

He lingered on the picture Brian took of him and Yuzuru embracing before the medal ceremony in Pyeongchang, Yuzuru crying in his arms, having only just learned of Javier’s impending retirement –

and on the next one, a picture he took of Yuzuru during the FAOI tour later that year. Yuzuru had a funny look in that picture, like someone trying and failing to remain serious, the mock-stern expression on his face threatening to give way to a full-on grin. (Yuzuru had been so mad at Javier for retiring and choosing that particular moment to tell him, that he had attempted to keep his distance at first, but two stops in, and he had cracked, laughing at Javier’s jokes and seeking him out to cling to him like in the good old days.) At the time when that picture was taken, Javier was purposefully teasing him, trying to get Yuzuru to smile and not be cold with him anymore, daring him to keep a straight face, while Javier was acting as silly as possible. The resulting photo was one of Javier’s favourite pictures of Yuzuru, an unguarded moment for him alone. He wondered if he would ever get to look at it again without feeling pain and heartbreak overwhelm the happy memories.

 

One day, while looking at the pictures, Javier  accidentally opened his phone message history with Yuzuru – it wasn’t long, and earlier messages had been deleted, but it was enough to make his heart clench all over again.

 

_07.01.2019_

_Javier: “When can I see you again?”_

_Yuzuru: “On the ice.”_

_Javier :“....??? But Brian changed our schedule!!” ._

_Yuzuru:“Talk to him, then. I want train still with Javi.”_

_Javier:“Ok but when can I see you ALONE?”_

_Yuzuru:“Soon.”_

_Javier:“Tomorrow?”_

_Yuzuru:“No. But soon.”_

_Javier: “: (_

_Javier: " <3 <3 <3 :* :* :* “_

_Yuzuru:“(^_ _з_ _^) Chu!!”_

_12.01.2019_

_Yuzuru:"I coming now! I get Javi favourite wine, is anything else you like me getting?"_

_Javier:"Just you <3"_

_12.01.2019_

_Javier: "I have to tell you something important. Please meet me as soon as you can. Our usual place, they have open until 2:00."_

_Yuzuru: "Ok."_

_26.01.2019_

_Yuzuru: "SEVEN times European champion Javier Fernandez. I speak it into existence then? Congratulations Javi!!!"_

_Javier: “Thank you for believing in me <3”_

_28.04.2018_

_Yuzuru: “Congratulations on wedding! I wish you happiness! Sorry I not there.”_

Javier hadn’t answered that one.

_19.08.2019_

_Yuzuru: “Congratulations on birth of daughter, Javi! I wish she is healthy and happy!”_

_Javier: “Thank you! We are very glad. You are invited to come and see her, whenever you want!”_

_Yuzuru: “I come yes, I call you in few weeks!”_

_07.12.2020_

_Javier: “Happy birthday! I called but you didn’t answer, you’re probably busy celebrating! Have a good one, Yuzu!”_

_08.12.2020:_

_Yuzuru: “No, I was practice! Sorry missing Javi call. Thank you for wish!”_

_23.03.2021_

_Javier: “That was fantastic, Yuzu! Congratulations, you slayed! I can’t wait for the Olympics, you’re gonna reign again!”_

_Yuzuru: “Javi is kind, thank you. I do my best working hard!”_

That was the last one and Javier tried to ignore the sinking feeling when reading the more recent ones, their tone gradually turning more formal as their separation had became more definite with the passing of time. Javier closed his eyes tightly and tried to forget, to pretend, that no time at all had passed since he had first seen Yuzuru show up at the Cricket Club, a lanky teen with a fierce talent and an even more fierce disposition, all fire and ambition in that deceptively frail, sinewy body. It was second nature for Javier to approach him, befriend him, hovering protectively around the younger, in empathy with him being alone and out of place, not speaking a word of English, yet so eager to show his skills. It was also perhaps second nature for Yuzuru as well to flourish under Javier’s attention, to imprint on him like a baby duckling, and seek him out, demanding more. And then one day, for both men to blink and realize they had fallen in love with each other, in an involuntary but predictable twist of fate.

Could Yuzuru’s story, could _their story_ end like this? It seemed too cruel.

 

Little by little, the small community that had been shook by Yuzuru’s abrupt and unexplained disappearance seemed to settle, from the original shock into a state of quiet and resigned mourning.

Two years had passed since Yuzuru had gone missing, and there were talks of holding a state funeral in absentia – giving the man the proper honours as befitted such a champion, and allowing the people who loved him the closure and the peace to grieve. The idea was received with mixed feelings. Some argued it would indeed help them on the way to healing and accepting what must be the inevitable. Others still, opposed the idea, arguing that it was too soon, and they must not give up hope. Such was the legend of Yuzuru Hanyu and his miraculous feats that people were still finding strength and reasons for hope. Reading various comments on social media, Javier had the strange feeling that Yuzuru had been this creature who was larger than life, such did his story grow in the telling – and Javier found himself doubting everything - was it even possible that he had once shared the ice with this man, that they had trained together, let alone that Yuzuru ever loved him – _this_ Yuzuru, the one that people talked about with such holy reverence ? ....Unthinkable, he must be going mad. Had Yuzuru even existed, did he ever achieve all these improbable feats, or was he a collective hallucination? Javier struggled to remember the Yuzuru he knew, cold sweat running down his back, a sense of terror he couldn’t explain slowly eating at him. Was he finally going mad? Could mindless suffering make one go crazy, and if so, why did it take him so long? And then suddenly, like the fog clearing, Javier remembered his own voice, telling someone on a half-joking tone:

  _‘Don’t vanish from my life entirely, or I’ll think I’d dreamt you’_

It was that same someone who had told Javier he’d never love someone else again, and who later kissed his forehead lingeringly, whispering the magic words ‘Seven times European Champion Javier Fernandez’. Javier smiled sadly – no, he wasn’t going crazy - at least not yet, and he could hardly forget his Yuzuru, even in his madness. But he remained unsettled.

Javier slept awfully that night. A strong gust of violent rain wasn’t helping either, beating on the window panes like punishing lashes. The thunder and lighting interrupted his sleep, with sounds of imminent doom which turned his already unsettled dreams into vivid nightmares. He dreamed that Yuzuru was certainly dead and Javier was attending his funeral together with Lidia who was holding a bouquet of blue roses. A violent gush of wind rushed in, and the flowers were abruptly snatched from her grasp, and scattered randomly onto and around the fresh grave. She lowered her empty arms, looking around, half embarrassed, and half fearful. Javier stared at the display. ‘Take them’, he spoke up, ‘take them all, they’re for you. You always liked to be centre of attention, after all!’ He laughed like a madman, and everyone present stared at him with fear and pity. The shrill voice of the wind seemed to answer him. Javier tossed and turned in his sleep, beads of sweat pouring down his forehead. ‘I’d eat through this earth to be with you’, he continued in his dream – he did not know it, but he said the same words out loud, as he tossed and turned in his bed, with Lidia awake next to him and watching him anxiously. ‘I bet it’s so cool and sheltered, where you are now... Let’s sleep together, there.’

And suddenly, everything was alright, and in a few precious seconds which felt like a lifetime, Javier’s nightmare morphed into a long dream of peace, which seemed to last for years – but was in reality no more than it took for a bird to chirp its good morning at dawn and another to answer.

When Javier finally woke up, the dream still weighing heavily on his mind, he wanted nothing more than for the funeral ceremony to happen – he felt like this was his only way to get some closure, and afterwards everything would perhaps be alright.

But in the coming days, it was Yuzuru’s mother who opposed this idea vehemently, and out of respect for her, the preparations were abandoned.

*

Javier and Lidia were returning from a social event late one summer evening. Javier was in a reasonably fine mood, the wine had been good and the conversation superficially pleasant. Lidia, however, was tight-lipped and preoccupied, walking beside him silently. Javier knew that Lidia disliked such social functions, even though she still attended them dutifully as his wife. He was grateful for that, so he kept quiet as well, not wanting to aggravate her further.

The silence persisted as they arrived home and it was getting a little uncomfortable, so Javier searched around for a safe topic of conversation.

“So I saw you talk a lot with Ana, how is she doing?”

“Oh, you know the usual...guy trouble – boyfriend cheating on her, that kind of stuff....”

Javier paused.

“Really? That’s awful, poor her.”

“Yeah”, Lidia answered, a little sharply, removing her earrings with a snap. “Luckily I was a good shoulder to cry on, so there’s that.”

Javier hesitated, looking at her askance in the mirror.

“Are you...okay, Lidia?”

“Sure. At least I felt useful today.”

“Lidita...I get the feeling you’re trying to tell me something, but I don’t know what.”

Lidia snorted, and rolled her eyes.

“Forget about it.”

“No”, Javier insisted, by now a little annoyed. “You get these moods, and then you don’t wanna talk about it, and -”

Lidia whirled around to face him, her voice rising, suddenly losing all composure:

“Oh, so it’s me who _gets these moods_ , and it’s me who _doesn’t wanna talk about it_?”

“Okay, I’m sorry-“, Javier started, taken aback by her outburst, palms open in reconciliation.

“You’re a fucking mess, Javi!” she accused him, viciously.

“Maybe I am-“, Javier agreed, “but-“

“You don’t even have to tell me! I know! I already know everything! Just....the least you could do is do me the courtesy and admit it.... but –“ she shook her head, close to tears, “as your wife, I don’t even get _that_ -“

Javier stared at her, bewildered, torn between trying to comfort her and trying to catch up with what was happening, his mind still pleasantly numb from the wine he had earlier.

“Lidia, I swear, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said honestly.

Lidia stepped out of her dress and into her bathrobe, tying the cord around her middle with a little more force than was necessary. She snorted again, but then clarified, with a deceptive calm:

“I know about you and Yuzuru. I’ve always known. Well ‘always’ – ever since you came back from Canada, for the last time.”

Javier’s blood froze in his veins and for a few seconds, he was speechless. Lidia didn’t even look at him to acknowledge his reaction to her words. She turned around and made for the bathroom, but Javier finally managed to recover his wits and moved swiftly to block her way, taking her by the shoulders, to look into her face.

“Who told you, Lidia?” he asked earnestly. “Who told you at that time?”

“Does it really matter? Does it matter who said?”

“Lidia, as soon as I found out you were having a baby, we didn’t see each other anymore.”

“Oh, so it’s true you saw each other before, then?”

“Lidia, I was gonna tell you but something always kept happening, and then....”

“.... then you found out I was pregnant. I see.”

“....If you knew about all this, why say nothing before? How could you keep it all inside for so long, pretend we’re happy?”

“Oh, like I was the only one pretending! I did it for the same reason you did! For the sake of our child....”

“And now? What changed?”

“Isn’t it obvious? It’s not working, Javi, it never actually worked, and it hurts more and more each day to keep up the pretense. Malena deserves better than this.”

“I actually thought we were doing fine... that we were getting better.”

“Just goes to show how little you actually pay attention to me. I’m not fine, haven’t been for a while.”

“I’m sorry –“

“Don’t. I don’t think I even blame you. I just resent you for not being honest with me. I think maybe if I were really in love with you, I’d have hated you for all this. But as it is....I’m just disappointed. Whatever I felt for you – is long gone.”

Javier sighed.

“We aren’t the only couple who stopped loving each other, but chose to stay together for the sake of their children. I thought we were getting better”, he stubbornly repeated. “I’ll try to be better, a good husband to you and a good father to Malena.”

“We haven’t been getting better, Javi”, Lidia said, with gentle sadness. “We’ve been getting worse. Ever since Yuzuru went missing, you’ve been getting worse. And I can’t live with ghosts.”

“Don’t bring Yuzuru into this!” Javier shouted, suddenly enraged. “He’s got nothing to do with this – this is between you and me! I have never cheated on you, do you hear? I always tried to be a good husband and do my duty to you and the child, no matter how much it hurt at times! And I believe I can still do better, I deserve a second chance here! After everything I’ve sacrificed, after everything that’s happened... You have to give me a second chance, please, Lidita, for the sake of our child!”

“A child can’t hold us together”, Lidia pronounced, answering Javier’s outburst with a calm but firm demeanor. “I’m sorry, Javi. I’m leaving you. And I’m taking Malena.”

“Please”, Javier whispered, pain obvious in his voice. He deflated, his previous anger leaving him empty, with no other resource than to plead. “Please, don’t do this. I love her so much.”

Lidia momentarily softened.

“I know. You can visit, Javi - I promise. Whenever you want.”

“You’re leaving me with nothing.”

“Javi – I just _can’t._ It sounds awful and selfish to say, but I feel I have to run away, as far from you as possible, just so I can begin to live, and laugh, and enjoy life again. Maybe even fall in love again?”

Javier smiled bitterly.

“I wish you the best of luck. As for me, it’s like you’re talking about things like sun and flowers and the sea, to someone who’s not long for this world.”

“Javi....”, Lidia trailed off, looking at him properly for the first time since they started their discussion, assessing him with sudden worry. “You’re not....going to do anything stupid, are you?”

“I might get another cat, if that’s what you’re implying”, Javier answered vaguely.

Lidia looked at him strangely, not wholly reassured.

 

*

Javier was sitting on a bench in the park, in the sun. He felt like growing old peacefully. Maybe then he could join the other senior citizens in their sedate games on park benches, all other hopes and expectations forgotten, except for ‘let it be a fine day tomorrow so I can go out, sit on my usual bench, and let the sun warm my old bones’. _I should have got a dog,_ he thought vaguely, _instead of another cat. I could take him out on walks..._ But as he thought better of it, he shrugged – he still preferred cats. He closed his eyes, and lifted his face towards the sun, letting the almost unbearable heat scorch him.

And then suddenly – there was shade.

Javier thought he had fallen asleep, because the heat was abruptly replaced by small cool palms over his eyes, and a voice whispered, low but clear:

“Guess who!”

 

 

_Cause the story so far is already here_

_We’ve made it this far through the daggered-edge spears_

_But life cuts to pieces till the wounds hold no secrets_

_Makes it all who you are_


	7. Chapter 7

Javier was crying even before the palms were removed from his eyes, even before he blinked, eyes blinded by tears and the sun, to see the one who stood in front of him – certain this time that madness had finally caught up with him and, rather than feeling panic, he felt absurd relief at being able to hallucinate so vividly the voice and scent of the one he loved, the soft feel of his hands.

Standing in front of him was a familiar silhouette – a disposable face mask and glasses were partially hiding his features, but there was no mistaking those eyes (“ _you’ve got the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen,_ ” Javier had once told him, both playful and entirely honest). Javier frowned. Why would he hallucinate Yuzuru wearing a mask covering half his face and glasses. Unthinkingly, Javier reached out and removed both offending items from Yuzuru’s face, throwing them carelessly aside. Yuzuru gasped, but allowed it, a small puff of breath escaping his parted lips to brush against Javier’s hand. Javier shivered slightly, his frown deepening, his eyes irresistibly drawn downwards – the distinctive cut of the cupid’s bow of Yuzuru’s upper lip was sharper than he remembered, and he mechanically lifted his hand to touch it, as if under a spell

“Javi”, Yuzuru murmured as the fingers made contact. “ _Javi.”_

The word echoed strangely in Javier’s mind. _Bye Javi_  - he remembered hearing, after they kissed and Brian ordered them apart; _Javi –_ again, in that same heartfelt tone, yearning mixed with sadness, when Javier had told him about Lidia that late night in a Toronto cafe – and now, miles and years away, the sound of his own name from Yuzuru’s mouth was still infused with the same mysterious power, turning Javier’s world on its axis with its gravitational pull. What had once only been imagined – the excitement of newfound love and desire, the fear of pain and loss – was by now all too real, a prophecy made and fulfilled in those two heavy syllables on Yuzuru’s lips.

Like doused with cold water, Javier blinked and shook himself – finally waking up to the fact that this was _not_ a dream, _nor_ a hallucination. Yuzuru’s lips felt impossibly soft and pliant against his probing fingers. Javier removed his hand abruptly, as if burned, and took a few steps back.

“Who are you??” he shouted, in agitation.

Yuzuru bent and picked up his mask and glasses, seemingly uncertain of whether or not he should put them back on. He looked around and, having decided no one was paying attention to them, turned back to Javier.

“Javi – it’s _me_ ,” he answered.

“I can see that”, Javier replied with mounting panic, voice high. “But how on earth?! It can’t be you, it can’t be– you’re dead – you’re _dead_!”

“I will explain everything, I promise – Do you.... have to be somewhere soon? Can we sit a little and talk?”

Javier shrugged.

“My wife left me and took my daughter. I’ve got nothing but time.”

Yuzuru bit his lip, and took a seat on the bench. After a few seconds of hesitation, Javier resumed his seat as well.

“I know about Lidia”, Yuzuru confessed. “I’m sorry.”

Javier stared at him hard.

“I see”, he said, and shook his head. “You know a great deal for someone who was by all intents and purposes dead to the world. Was it all a pretense then, a game? No, no – it can’t have been: I saw your mother, on television, appealing to people to come forward if they knew anything, and they’d be rewarded. It was heartbreaking. That can’t have been fake.”

“It wasn’t”, Yuzuru confirmed, then continued, in a rush, as if wanting to get it over with: “I was kidnapped, and she really did try to find me. But that was only for two weeks. Eventually, my captors got in touch with my mother and she gave them all the money they asked for. I still don’t know where she got it all from, despite what people think, we’re not really that rich.” Yuzuru frowned, briefly, before continuing: “I suspect there was someone she told, someone other than family, but I don’t want to know for sure, because that would mean I’d owe that person everything, in truth, everything I am, and now my life, too.”

Javier opened his mouth to ask who that person was, but Yuzuru went on, swiftly:

“My mother never told the police she had been contacted, and no one except my immediate family knew. They were afraid the more people knew about this, the more high profile it became, the kidnappers might get spooked, and I’d end up dead. I think she was very clever. She saved my life, and the police remained clueless. It was part of the agreement, not tell the police.”

“So those guys, whoever they were, just escaped with a huge amount of money?”

Yuzuru shrugged.

“I don’t really care about that.”

“Do you have any idea who they were?”

Yuzuru hesitated briefly, but then spoke:

“No idea. They kept me in a basement where it was dark all the time, and when they came to bring me food, they always wore masks. After a while my eyes got used to the dark and I could see shapes around me – the mat where I slept, the bucket where I relieved myself, the jug of water. There were things crawling around that I did not want to think about what they were. And there was a shuttered window above, sometimes when it was very sunny, a little bit of light seeped in through the cracks and I could see better. But there was nothing to do in there, but sleep. And think. I thought a great deal, how being there was like being in prison. Like I was serving time for a sin – and for sure I had enough guilt to let me know what that sin was”, Yuzuru looked meaningfully at Javier. “Thinking about you and wanting to be with you while you had a wife and child, that was a great sin.”

Javier swallowed with difficulty and avoided his gaze, but nodded to show he understood.

“I had a lot of time to think, and the more I thought, the more it all made sense, and that helped me”, Yuzuru went on, “like this was another trial I had to endure, and I tried to draw strength from that. I tried to do image training, but I couldn’t visualize myself landing the jumps properly, it was always like I was jumping but something grabbed my leg and I’d fall down into a pit where things were crawling all over me. I even tried to work out a little, like do push-ups for instance – but I had no real energy for it. They only fed me once a day, and it was bad stuff – mostly junk food. My stomach couldn’t get used to it, so even though I was hungry and ate everything, I threw up afterwards more often than not. When I finally got out of there, and looked at myself in the mirror, I was shocked – I looked horribly thin and half-dead.”

“You look as beautiful as ever, Yuzuru,” Javier said. “It’s like none of these years passed for you.”

Yuzuru giggled, a hint of his former merriment returning.

“You see bad, Javi”, he mocked. “I’m no longer beautiful. It’s alright. I’ve made peace with it now. But at first, I didn’t want to accept it – I cried for days. I didn’t want to face the world. I shut myself up in my room in Sendai, and I didn’t want to come out for a long time. And my mother let me, because she was so relieved she got me back.”  Yuzuru smiled, a little self-deprecatingly, a smile which looked wrong on his lips. “I simply switched one prison for another, a luxury one this time.”

“And you stayed there – in your room, hidden... _all this time_?” Javier asked, incredulously. “It’s been _years,_ Yuzu. We all thought you were dead. There was talk last year of holding a formal funeral for you, burying an empty casket, just to give people closure. Your mother opposed this, now I know why....”

Yuzuru nodded, pained.

“I know... I was aware of everything that happened. I was aware of _you,_ too-“

“You could have picked up a phone, Yuzu”, Javier interrupted him with some bitterness. “Just to let me know you were alright. You wouldn’t even have had to explain anything– I would’ve been content just to hear your voice and know you were safe. You left me to grieve along with everyone else....”

“Javi, you had a wife and child to comfort you. I thought it was better not to make you think of me more. I thought to myself, maybe this is better for everyone.”

Javier shook his head.

“Well, it wasn’t better for _me”,_ he snapped. “When you were gone, I thought of you even more. And every thought was laced with pain, like a poison I was slowly feeding myself. Do you know what that’s like?”

“I’m sorry”, Yuzuru whispered.

“Why did you come now?” Javier asked, suddenly resentful. “Did you come because you felt sorry for me, now that I’ve lost everything? What’s going to happen now? What do you want?”

“I – I don’t know”, Yuzuru asked, flustered by Javier’s sudden anger. “I just wanted to see you – very much.”

“It’s been almost three years, Yuzu. Three long fucking years.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I don’t – I don’t know where they went, really. Time has a weird way of flying when you’re not doing much. Hey, guess what, I learned Russian! Like I always wanted to do. Finally had the time for it”, Yuzuru smiled, but Javier didn’t react favourably to the joke.

“Congratulations,” he said, neutrally.

“...and... I don’t know if you noticed but my English has got much better. I can speak it properly now”, Yuzuru continued, a little hurt by Javier’s sudden coldness, but valiantly trying to pretend it was alright.

“Yeah. Well done. So tell me then, with your better English, and everything.... what are your intentions now? Are you gonna run back to Sendai and hide for the rest of your life, now that you’ve satisfied your curiosity of seeing me at my worst? Do you get a weird kick out it?”

“Javi, no, it’s not....Why are you so bad?” Yuzuru asked, almost on the verge of tears. He swallowed them down, and went on, “- I understand, anyway. I can’t imagine the pain you’ve gone through. Every person’s pain is different. You are right to hate me. But I came to see you because I still love you, and I hoped... it’s stupid because we both changed so much, and it’s been so long, but I heard about Lidia leaving you and I hoped—“ Yuzuru struggled with words that wouldn’t come, not because of the language barrier this time, but because he didn’t want to hear the rejection that would inevitably follow once he had finished uttering them.

He played with the hem of his jacket, while Javier stared at him.

“I hoped we can be together”, Yuzuru finally mumbled, barely audible.

“What?!” Javier shouted, and Yuzuru flinched. “How is that going to work? You’re gonna have to tell people you’re not dead, for starters, and you’re gonna have a lot of explaining to do.”

“If I let people know I’m alive, I will never talk about what happened. Even if they hate me for it, they’ll have to understand I will never tell-”

“Well, they won’t understand”, Javier interrupted him, with relish. “People are gonna hate you for this, Yuzu”, he went on, cruelly. “They’re gonna hate both of us. They’ll probably end up accusing us of pulling this whole stunt just so we can hide our relationship better, with me being married and everything.”

Yuzuru frowned.

“That would be a very silly thing to do and it wouldn’t make sense because-“

“-it doesn’t matter”, Javier yelled. “That’s what people would say! I know what they’d think, because guess what, I lived in the real world, and you didn’t!”

A pigeon took off flying, startled, as Javier raised his voice. Javier stopped abruptly, and looked around, suddenly afraid of attracting unwanted attention.

Yuzuru nodded, his eyes following a ladybug on the ground. It was very close to his feet now and he had to be careful not to crush it. He lost sight of it momentarily, but then saw it again as it started to climb onto his shoes, trudging upwards. He smiled down at it. ‘Before I leave, I’ll find a flower to put you on’, he said to it in Japanese. Then he turned to Javier.

“I’m happy I could see you, Javi. Take care of yourself.”

Uncertainly, he lifted a hand, as if to touch Javier’s face, but hesitated, and traced only the air around Javier’s face, in an imagined caress. Then he bent down to retrieve the ladybug, allowing it to climb onto his fingers instead.

“What are you doing?” Javier asked, stunned, then as Yuzuru stood up from the bench, he rose as well, agitated. “Are you _leaving_?”

“Yes, yes. I just need to find a flower to put this insect on – it will be crushed if it stays on the pavement.”

Yuzuru looked around, and spotted a rose bush somewhere behind the bench – he deliberately walked towards it and waited until the ladybug made its way from his finger to the flower. Then he hurried back.

“Sorry, I know I wasn’t supposed to step on the grass. Goodbye, Javi. I am very happy I could see you.”

“Wait. Please, don’t go yet. Stay for dinner, at least. I’ll make your favourite pancakes.”

“Javi doesn’t have to-“

“Javi wants to,” Javier said, impatiently. “Don’t be silly, Yuzu. Come on.”

*

“Carino!” Javier called out, as he entered the apartment, and Yuzuru froze behind him.

“Are you living with someone?” he asked.

“Yeah”, Javier answered wryly. He bent to pick up a large black cat with two white patches on his chest. “His name is Carino.”

Yuzuru laughed, and Javier tried not to think how his heart beat faster upon hearing that loud laughter, even after all these years.

“Do you remember”, he asked instead, “how we stood in the locker rooms at the Cricket Club for the last time, and I called you carino, and you said I shouldn’t call you that anymore?”

Yuzuru nodded.

“You said you couldn’t teach your heart not to love me even if you tried”, he murmured. “And I said I couldn’t love anyone else, if I couldn’t have you.”

Javier nodded.

“In a way, it was like we had our little ceremony of exchanging vows – promising everlasting love to each other.”

Yuzuru looked back at him with shining eyes.

“Anyway”, Javier blinked, running a hand through his hair, “You were always _carino_ to me, in my mind. So when Lidia left me, I got this handsome guy to keep me and Effie company, and named it after you –“ he kissed the cat, “since I was sure I was never gonna see you again”, he mumbled into the kitty’s fur.

“What?” Yuzuru asked, not understanding Javier’s muffled sentence.

Javier cleared his throat.

“ – I said, I got him to keep Effie company”, he said, forcing a smile.

“Oh, you still have Effie?” Yuzuru’s eyes went wide.

“Of course I do! She’s getting old now, and she’s even fatter. Likes to sleep all the time. She’s fussy like an old lady so I take care not to bother her.”

Motioning for Yuzuru to follow, Javier went into the living room, where a large calico cat was curled up on the sofa.

“Hi, Effie!” Yuzuru grinned at her and got an uninterested stare in return.

Javier bent to give her a kiss, and set Carino down next to her.

“Let’s go into the kitchen and make the pancakes. Or better said, I make the pancakes, and you watch and try not to get in the way.”

“I can cook as well, now”, Yuzuru replied, affronted. “Staying at home also has advantages.”

 

As they finished their meal, Javier was the first to break the silence.

“I’m just wondering, all this time - didn’t you miss skating? It was your life, it was everything for you. How could you let it go for so long?”

Yuzuru’s face clouded.

“I don’t know. I just did.”

“Your rivals....your fans....the competitions...all the things you cared about – you threw them all away, just like that. No no, there’s something you’re not telling me. I can feel it. Tell me everything. How you were taken. Where were you. What happened exactly. How did you survive two weeks without your asthma medication. Who was that someone not from your family who helped your mother with the money and kept the secret. _Why_ did he keep the secret. Why did you really hide away for all this time – _you_ , of all people, who always craved attention.”

Yuzuru stayed stubbornly silent, obviously annoyed at being questioned like this.

“Are you with the media now, Javi?” he asked jokingly, but with some resentment. “I told you what was most important. I don’t like remembering all the details from that bad time.”

“Do you wanna hear some details from _my_ bad time, because I got no problem sharing?” Javier could’ve slapped himself, but he couldn’t stop talking – only now realizing how much resentment had been building up underneath his grief and sorrow. “Like when I locked myself in the bathroom, turned on the shower and bit into my knuckles until they bled to distract me from painful thoughts of you? When I was having nightmares and talking in my sleep and scaring my wife? Crying at any moment of the day, for no apparent reason--- No, no I still can’t forgive you....I can’t, I _can’t._ You’ve been back practically all this time, and you didn’t even think of leaving me a message....or you thought of it, and decided against...-” Javier shook his head, with a bitter smile on his face. “And meanwhile I was here, suffering like an idiot, thinking you were dead, or hurting, and I couldn’t help you- fuck all that, Yuzu, fuck all that....“

“I’m sorry-“

“Stop saying you’re sorry”, Javier broke out savagely, “like that’s gonna make up for everything! It doesn’t. Did you think of me at all? Did you imagine what I was going through?”

“I thought of you all the time, Javi”, Yuzuru answered, earnestly. “Even when I tried not to, I did.”

“No, no you couldn’t have! You couldn’t have!” Javier contradicted him immediately, with relish. “If you had, you would have taken pity on me and let me know you were safe. Or maybe – _maybe_ you even secretly liked the idea of me crying over you like you were dead – you did, didn’t you? You must have known I’d hurt like crazy, and you found some twisted satisfaction in it, didn’t you?”

“Javi –“

“It was payback for me leaving you, _wasn’t it_? Admit it! You played the martyr in the beginning, sacrificing yourself, but when that game got old, you thought why not teach me a lesson, right? God, I have half a mind to kill you myself right now-,“ Javier laughed loudly at his own joke, and Yuzuru tilted his head and watched him, a little worried:

“You’re crazy, Javi, you gone mad.”

Javier laughed even louder, nodding fervently.

“Maybe I am yes, it’s true – maybe I did!”

“Let me remind crazy Javi that kidnapping was real. You can ask mom if you don’t believe. And what I did afterwards – hiding from the world, had nothing to do with you. I would not hide from all the world just to mess with you, the entire world does not revolve around Javier Fernandez”, Yuzuru pronounced a little sarcastically.

Javier stood up from his chair and came uncomfortably close to Yuzuru, looking him straight in the eye, as he uttered the words, crisp and clear:

“You. Could’ve. Sent. A. Message.”

Then, having made his point, he retreated, and cleared the table without another look at Yuzuru, who nodded, as if to himself, then followed Javier into the kitchen.

He watched, leaning against the counter, as Javier started washing the dishes, slowly and methodically.

“You’re right”, Yuzuru finally said. “I could’ve sent a message. I didn’t. Maybe it was also to punish you. Maybe I enjoyed having you think of me and suffer. Maybe I snickered and said _Let him miss me for a while._ Maybe I’m not a good person. Happy now?”

Javier hummed noncommittally, and continued to wash the dishes.

“Took you long enough”, he finally said.

“Thank you for the pancakes. They were delicious, as always. I am going now.”

“Where are you staying?”

“A hotel”, Yuzuru shrugged.

“How are you even getting around? Fake passport?”

Yuzuru shrugged.

“Am I the first? Besides, this is the only time I travel –“

“Do you intend to bury yourself back in your room in Sendai?”

“Maybe. Do you care? No, you’d rather care for the memory of old Yuzu, the one who was perfect – in your mind. You can keep believing he’s dead then, Javi. In many ways, he is. Goodbye.”

“Guess what my next call will be”, Javier said, and Yuzuru froze on his way to the door. “I don’t know either, actually”, he continued conversationally, “I’ll have to decide – the media or the police. Hmmmm,” he pretended to ponder.

Yuzuru turned around, and looked at Javier sadly.

“Do what you want. You can ruin my reputation if you choose. You have that power.”

“And you’re okay with it?” Javier challenged.

“I am not okay with a lot of things”, Yuzuru answered, simply. “But they happened.”

He looked around, and his gaze fell on Effie and Carino sleeping half on top of each other on the bed, a mismatched bundle of colours and fur and whiskers. He smiled slightly at the sight and looked back at Javier.

“I took my chance coming here, I know. I didn’t know what I’d find. It was one the bravest things I’ve ever done. I am glad I did it. I’m happy just to see you, Javi.”

Despite himself, Javier was moved but stubbornly hiding it.

“So you’re just gonna walk right out of my life? Again? Just like that?”

“Am I misunderstanding something?” Yuzuru asked. “You made it clear there’s no chance for us, and you resent me, you said you wanted to kill me just now-“

“That was a _joke,_ damnit-“

“What do you _want_ , Javi?”

Javier sighed, closing his eyes.

“I don’t know”, he murmured. “God, I don’t know.” He sighed, and rubbed at his eyes tiredly as he struggled to explain. “You know, some people, when they receive a poor diagnosis – let’s say the doctor tells them ‘you only have 10 months to live’ – at first they’re depressed, but then they reach a sort of acceptance and even peace. Now let’s say that during a routine check up the doctor joyfully tells them ‘guess what, I’ve mixed your medical info with another’s, you’re actually doing just fine, you’ll live to see a hundred!’... They should be relieved, right? But instead they get angry – because what’s going on? how? why? They had only just come to terms with the bad news, tragic as it all was, and now their life story is being re-written yet again -- do you understand what I mean?”

“...I understand.”

“You have to give me time, Yuzu. You can’t just show up in my life again out of the blue, drop all that on me, and expect me to simply go with it. You _owe_ me _time,_ Yuzuru.”

“Okay then.”

“But don’t go too far. In fact....don’t go at all. I don’t want to let you out of my sight, if you decide to fuck off back to Japan, I’ll probably truly never get to see you again. Check out of the hotel and stay here, in the spare room.”

“So I just switch my room in Sendai for a room here in Madrid?” Yuzuru pretended to ponder, on an amused tone. “Sounds like a good deal.”

“It is”, Javier agreed, with similar lightness in his voice. “I’ll even cook.”

“How long?”

“As long as it takes me to come to terms, and reach a decision.”

“And if you decide you can’t forgive me, after all?”

“Let’s not anticipate. After all, despite everything, I still love you.”

Yuzuru’s heart skipped a beat hearing these words, but the sad look on Javier’s face when he said it made him sober up again.

“Alright....but please don’t tell anybody I’m here, Javi. I can’t tell you what to do, but –“

Javier shook his head, with some exasperation.

“There are people who care about you, more than just your family, do you realize this? If these people had suffered even a small part of what I’ve suffered, then I’d want them to know you’re alive. But, suit yourself. I’m not going to make that decision for you.”

Yuzuru breathed in relief.

“Thank you.”

“But please know that you can’t hide here forever. You can’t hide _anywhere_ forever, Yuzu.”

 

Yuzuru nodded and left to check out from the hotel and return with his luggage. Javier was nervous as he waited, half dreading that Yuzuru wouldn’t come back. Meanwhile, he busied himself with cleaning and airing out the spare room, laying out bed sheets and making a perfunctory attempt at dusting. A little over an hour had passed before there was a knock on the door and Yuzuru stood there, mask and glasses on, with two suitcases, and a laptop. Javier led him to the spare room, explaining where everything was and general things about the house.

“Laundry day and general cleaning day is usually Friday. Now that you’re here we’ll take turns vacuuming. I don’t have a schedule for washing dishes, just whenever I feel like it or when they get too many. Same with cooking – I do it when I feel like it. Rest of the time – takeaway. The coffee is in the first drawer above the sink – oh, right, you don’t drink coffee. Well, I have no tea.”

“It’s fine. I brought my own from Japan. And now I can cook as well.”

“....Right. I’ll be away some days, depends on my engagements. On those days, you’ll have to feed Effie and Carino. I’ll show you where the food is and how much, don’t overfeed them. On Sunday they both get treats. And also give them fresh water to drink everyday.”

“Hai. Any other ground rules?”

“If I bring anyone home, you must be quiet and not let them know you’re here”, Javier said, just to gauge Yuzuru’s reaction. His resulting bewildered and affronted look was worth a chuckle. “I’m just joking!”

But Yuzuru still frowned.

“What about your wife?”

“What about her?”

“Is....do you still see her?”

“Not very much. The divorce case is almost settled, I’m waiting to receive the papers any day now. But I can see Malena whenever I want, and sometimes I see Lidia as well. It’s not a bad arrangement. I thought it would be hell at first, but now I’m used to it. You get used to anything in life, don’t you?” he said, with pretend cheerfulness.

“Don’t you share....custody?”

“Haha, no. Lidia wouldn’t trust me to take care of Malena alone, she knows what an irresponsible fool I am”, Javier said lightly, but Yuzuru understood the underlying hurt. “I can barely take care of myself sometimes so... Anyway”, Javier sharply changed the topic, “if you need anything else, let me know.”

 

Later that night, Javier couldn’t sleep, his mind replaying over and over the events of the day. Yuzuru was back. Yuzuru was here. He was alive, and, to Javier, he looked the same as ever – perhaps his eyes were a little more guarded and he didn’t smile so often – but then again Javier was comparing it to the times when he and Yuzuru had been competing together and which would always remain their glory days. Javier wondered how Yuzuru saw _him_ , _Javier_ \- if he still liked what he saw. There were certainly more lines on his face now than he cared to think about. Then Javier remembered – Yuzuru had said he _wanted them to be together_. At that time, Javier was so shocked that he couldn’t process that idea, it seemed preposterous and he reacted with perhaps a little too much venom. Javier’s coldness and anger were perhaps justified, but did they really help anyone? He could choose to act aloof, but a fiercely possessive and long-suffering part of himself never wanted to let Yuzuru out of his sight again. Even now, lying in bed in the middle of the night, wide awake, Javier itched to go into the room where Yuzuru was sleeping, just to check and make sure he was actually there, to reassure himself that he didn’t hallucinate their encounter. Javier finally smiled as he revisited the way Yuzuru had made his presence known, ambushing Javier on a park bench after almost three years of silence, with their old childish game of ‘guess who’ – like no time at all had passed, like it was indeed all a _game._ Javier remembered having done that himself the last time he showed up at the Cricket Club, casually playful, as if he wasn’t the one who had left and would not be coming back again. Well, now Yuzu one-upped him, as usual.

 

Yuzuru startled awake sometime during the night, when the bed dipped behind him. He jumped, almost scrambling out of bed, then looked around, and sighed in relief:

“Effie....you scared me. Hey, Effie – you still remember me, then? It’s me, Yuzu - Come here, kitty-“

Effie bit into the extended hand, just as cranky as Javier had described her, and chose to settle down on her own terms, back propped to Yuzuru’s legs, after fussing a little with the covers.

Yuzuru snickered.

“Alright then, suit yourself, princess”, he nodded, then lay back again and closed his eyes.  

He had barely settled down again, when Carino hopped on the bed as well.

“Oh, you too?” Yuzuru laughed. “Come over here – are you friendly? Yeees, you are!”

Carino seemingly had a better disposition and he boldly made his way into Yuzuru’s open arms, curled up against his chest and started purring loudly as he was caressed.

“Good night”, Yuzuru said to both cats and fell asleep, smiling.

 

*

When Javier went to check on him in the morning, he found Effie and Carino curled up beside a soundly asleep Yuzuru. Sensing Javier nearby, Carino jumped out of bed to rub against his legs, demanding food and cuddles. The sudden movement made Yuzuru blink awake slowly.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you”, Javier said. “I was just checking up on you. Did you sleep well? I see my own cats have deserted me”, he joked.

“Slept well, yes”, Yuzuru answered automatically, not entirely awake, blinking in confusion at the unfamiliar surroundings. “Bed is very comfortable, cats are very warm... no nightmares.”

“No nightmares for me, either”, Javier echoed, gently, and smiled. It was difficult to maintain a cold front when facing an adorably sleep-tousled Yuzuru. Yesterday’s resentment seemed far away, and Javier was filled only with the warm glow of newfound happiness. “Breakfast?” he asked.

 

“How is Brian doing?” Yuzuru asked, after valiantly searching for a topic of conversation that was relatively ‘safe’.

They had finished eating and were in the living room, Javier on the couch, and Yuzuru a little further away, on the floor. While having breakfast, the atmosphere felt warm and relaxed, almost like in the old days, but now, Javier seemed to retreat into himself again and Yuzuru readily gave him some space.

“Oh?” Javier reacted, as if his thoughts were somewhere far away and he was unexpectedly brought back to reality. “Brian is....okay”, he finally answered. “Well, last I heard from him, that is. We don’t talk very often, but we keep in touch. He’s been out and about with Stephen lately, he goes everywhere with him these days-“

“Olympic champion Stephen Gogolev?”

Javier stopped abruptly – “ _oh.”_

Yuzuru shrugged, deliberately.

“This should’ve been yours, Yuzu-“, Javier said, before he could stop himself. “If only you’d-“

“I appreciate the show of faith, Javi”, Yuzuru interrupted calmly. “But Stephen was good. He deserved it. Javi, I know you maybe think I’m a coward for not being there, but I couldn’t have done it this time. No power in the world could have helped me make it.”

Javier looked at him curiously, waiting for him to elaborate, and, after a few moments of hesitation, Yuzuru seemed to reach a decision and spoke up:

“You see, I made a big mistake. I tried to escape from the basement where they kept me. I calculated the height to the shuttered window through which I could glimpse the sun sometimes. I made a pile of whatever broken pieces of furniture and objects I could find – there weren’t many loose parts, almost everything was fixed to walls or the floor. But I managed to climb carefully up a small pile – it wasn’t enough for me to reach the window, but I was ready for that, and as soon as I made it to the top, I jumped, arms upwards, aiming to grasp the window handle.”

“...And?” Javier asked, with bated breath, even though he knew the attempt must have inevitably resulted in failure.

“I managed to grab it and hang on, and lifted my lower body enough to brace my feet against the shutters. But just as I was thinking about my next move, I heard the door open. When I jumped, the pile, already precariously put together, collapsed, making a big noise, and that alerted my captors. Seeing what I was up to, one of them ran out, unlocked the window where I was hanging, and reaching inside, pressed a knife to my fingers, to make me let go. Rather than hurt, I was more scared of having my fingers cut off, so I screamed and let go. I fell around 3 feet and landed hard, next to the collapsed pile I had assembled. Unfortunately, I landed on my busted ankle – I heard a horrible crack, and then a stab of pain that traveled up my entire leg up to my knee and towards my groin. I was sure that this time, it wasn’t just my ankle that was hurt, it was my knee as well that has taken a big damage. And when I finally arrived home, my suspicions proved correct. The entire ligament was torn. Saya’s husband is a medical doctor and he did everything possible to treat the damage. But the fact that I didn’t receive treatment immediately proved crucial. No amount of ambition and image training on my part could make up for the reality this time. I was helpless.”

Javier let out a shaky breath.

“So now you understand....I could never make the Olympics. I could never make _anything.”_

“My God, Yuzu.... You know before you disappeared....Malena’s doll, the one you gave her – nevermind, it’s stupid. What happened after you fell? Were you punished for trying to escape?”

“I was in so much pain, that the pain alone without any relief was punishment, but yes, they made sure to punish me.” Yuzuru said, and Javier remained quiet, waiting for Yuzuru to go on, but he looked down and didn’t elaborate.

“That night I had an asthma attack, first one in many years”, Yuzuru said eventually. “I was sure I would finally die, and I made peace with it. But the next day, I was still alive, and most of the pain was gone and I was sleepy and could barely move, and I finally realized they were drugging me, to avoid any other escape attempts. They seemed to realize they needed me alive more than anything, because negotiations with my mother were far along and they were confident they’d get all the money they asked for if they played their cards right. After a few days, the door to the basement opened and I saw my mother. They pushed her inside and locked the door. I was so happy to see her, I cried like a child – she cried, too, and told me she had never been more scared in her life. When she pulled herself together, she turned her GPS back on and called my dad for help to come and get us out of there. When we came out, the house was deserted, they were long gone, with the money my mother brought them.”

“Your mother is very brave and clever”, Javier marveled.

“Yes. She told them the police didn’t know anything but the rest of the family knew what she was doing and they were ready to act immediately if she didn’t return. She said she had no other interest than to get me back alive, but if I turned up dead, there would be hell to pay and she had the entire world on her side. They made her turn off her GPS and requested a head start, promising I was alive and would remain so, as long as the police didn’t get involved.”

Javier nodded – on his lips there were at least two more questions which remained unanswered – “Who were these people and how did they decide kidnapping Yuzuru for ransom would be a good idea?” and “Who helped Yuzuru’s mother with the money?” – but he realized by now that Yuzuru either didn’t know, or didn’t want to talk about it.

They were silent for a while, Javier sitting on the sofa, and Yuzuru on the floor – his hands remained neat and composed in his lap, not betraying any anxiety throughout his story. Only the low snore-like purring of Effie and the louder, engine-like purring of Carino, both laying pressed against Javier’s thigh, could be heard for a while. Javier studied Yuzuru’s profile for a while, before he finally made a decision and patted the sofa beside him:

“Come here, come closer”, he said to Yuzuru, carefully pushing the bundle of cats a little further away. Effie glared at him, affronted, but Carino slinked right back, climbing on Javier unperturbed.

“This one’s a character”, Javier laughed.

Yuzuru nodded, a crooked smile on his face as he watched Carino’s antics.

“You spoiled him, Javi”, he decided.

“I sure did”, Javier agreed, rubbing the cat affectionately, reaching towards Yuzuru with his other hand.

“Come here, Yuzu. Don’t play coy, we’re way past that, aren’t we?” He gentled his voice. “I only want to hug you. You looked like you could use some comfort and god knows I do, too.”

Javier barely finished the sentence, when Yuzuru had already launched himself at him, almost knocking him over. He clinged to Javier as fiercely as one of his cats, and just as possessively.

“I missed Javi hugs”, Yuzuru whispered, like his old self might have, and Javier squeezed him tightly, with all the relief of a man saved from drowning, who had only just realized his narrow brush with death. His hands slipped underneath Yuzuru’s shirt, with no other intention than to feel the warm flesh and reassure himself on a very basic level that the man in his arms was alive and well. Yuzuru hummed, and pressed closer. Javier ran his fingers over Yuzuru’s backbone, with infinite tenderness, like playing notes on an invisible piano, then moved lower on his spine. The body in his arms was much more frail than he remembered, and he frowned.

“Oh, Yuzu, look at you”, Javier whispered, not with awe, but with pity. His palm caressed the hipbones sharply sticking out.

“You got skinny too, Javi”, Yuzuru accused. He squeezed at Javier’s arms. “Where are _your_ muscles now?”

“I haven’t really worked out lately either”, Javier acquiesced. “We both look like starved strays, Yuzu”, he snorted. “So not sexy.” Javier pouted, and got a snicker in return, then a full-on laugh.  

“There’s an advantage, though....”, he continued, a slow grin forming on his face, and Yuzuru raised an eyebrow curiously. “I can find your ribs easier now....”, Javier clarified, and then promptly lunged to tickle him with an evil cackle.

The cats fled swiftly from the couch which quickly became a battle zone. For a few moments, it looked like Javier had the upper hand and Yuzuru was howling and wheezing, but then a masterfully aimed bony elbow right into Javier’s stomach and the definite intent to provide more put an abrupt stop to it.

“Oww! You little beast!” Javier retreated, and grabbed Yuzuru’s wrists, trying to ward off any further attack. Yuzuru tried to free himself, still laughing, and Javier tightened his grip automatically. Their struggle made them bump into each other, and they were suddenly looking into each other’s eyes from much too close. Yuzuru’s laughter faded, his eyes darkening, his breath escaping audibly on a sigh. The game had shifted quickly into something else – despite their deprecating words, it was clear the sexual tension between them was still palpable. Javier let go of his wrists in favour of cupping Yuzuru’s face between his palms instead, inching slowly to bring their mouths together in the barest of touches. For a few seconds, neither of them moved, and then suddenly both of them did – struggling to get closer, opening their mouths impatiently to taste, to feel, to conquer, moaning brokenly as if they couldn’t get enough. Their kiss lacked all finesse and was nothing more than a desperate melding of tongues and lips crushed together, less about desire and more about the same reassurance that the one they loved was finally within reach. Javier was the first to pull away, suddenly tormented by an absurd yet insidious thought.

“Yuzu – has there been anyone else?” Javier asked, sitting back so he could look him in the eye.

Yuzuru stared back, blankly. The old Yuzu would have probably laughed coyly and found a way to tease and challenge. _‘Does Javi think he is only person in world maybe?’_

Javier shook his head, unnerved by the silence.

“Just lie and say no”, he said. “Please, I know it’s stupid, and I have no right, but-“

“I don’t have to lie”, Yuzuru finally said. “I haven’t kissed anyone since I kissed you on your couch back in Toronto – on _that Saturday_.”

“Yuzu – I’m so sorry, baby, I’m _so sorry – for everything.... – “_

“Do you believe me?”

“Yes I believe you, carino, shhh, don’t cry now – I’m _sorry_ -“

Javier nodded, and covered Yuzuru’s face with kisses – his hair, his cheeks, his lips, whispering to him words in mingled Spanish and English, that Yuzuru soon lost all hope of understanding: he took a shuddering breath, closing his eyes and allowed only Javier’s tender tone and his soothing touches to speak directly to his heart, and remind him that he was loved.

 

_You always had what you wanted_  
_So leave it behind_  
_And if the glass isn't broken_  
_Then the future's not blind_


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please mind the added tags and avoid if necessary. There is nothing graphic, but it might be upsetting.

Sometimes it was easy to forget that anything had gone wrong, that so much time had passed and so much had changed between them. When they were wrapped around each other on the couch, making out lazily in the warm glow of a late summer afternoon, the silence interrupted only by quiet hums of pleasure and the rustling of clothes as they pulled each other closer. Drawing away only to catch their breath and gaze at each other briefly, the sight of each other’s pleasure-wrecked features only serving to build up the rising tide of arousal. Just a little more and Javier’s foggy mind could almost convince him that he was back in Toronto, on that Saturday when he invited Yuzuru over for pancakes, when the only dilemma on his mind was how to get Yuzuru to lose his clothes. Just a little more and Yuzuru could almost believe he could still afford to play coy because they had all the time in the world. It was with the same hunger that Javier kissed down his throat, slipping his hands underneath Yuzuru’s t-shirt. He groaned at the feel of naked skin underneath his palms, and pressed closer, with purpose. Yuzuru felt his erection, hot and heavy pressing against his own, and drew in a sharp breath, frowning. It felt so good, his mind was melting. Another corner of his mind screamed at him to stop this and Yuzuru wanted to stomp that into the ground. Unthinkingly, his hands clutched Javier’s shirt, a demand for closeness and also a reluctant warning. Javier could sense the shift in Yuzuru’s mood and he pulled back slightly, wetting his lips, with an assessing gaze.

 “Do you want...”, Javier hesitated. “What do you want?” he rephrased, gently.

Yuzuru shook his head.

“After all these years, Javi? We’re old!” he tried to joke.

“Hey, we’re never too old for sex! And what do you mean ‘old’?” he scoffed. “I’m in my thirties!”

Yuzuru stifled a smile.

“Sorry!”

“I’ll have you know women still look at me on the street with appreciation! Men too, sometimes!”

Yuzuru laughed this time, not mocking, but genuinely fond, his eyes twinkling.

“Oh, I’m sure they do”, he answered, and blushed a little.

“There’s the Yuzu I know”, Javier declared and his own eyes lit up. “Look – I’m not saying anything, one way or another – but if you ever want anything from me, you only have to ask, Yuzu – you only have to ask.”

Yuzuru nodded, and squeezed Javier’s fingers, smiling.

“If you don’t want anything, that’s fine too”, Javier hurried to say. “It’s all fine. I’m happy just holding you in my arms, seeing you smile. It’s more than I thought I’d ever have again.”

“Javi, I don’t deserve all the love you give me....”, Yuzuru muttered.

“....What did you say?!” Javier asked bewildered, “where is Yuzuru and what have you done with him?” he joked. “Stop this nonsense, Yuzu. I told you once, didn’t I – you don’t deserve anything bad that comes your way, but you deserve all the good things.”

“You’re a very good thing, Javi”, Yuzuru said, seriously. “And you’re a bad thing too. But I’m still grateful that you came into my life.”

“Oh, I’m a bad thing now?” Javier asked, mock-pouting. “I see....”

“Javi, _you are so baaad”,_ Yuzuru drawled, and they both laughed, bumping their foreheads together.

Yuzuru unexpectedly felt tears at the corner of his eyes, and leaned forward into a hug, arms locked around Javier tightly, as he spoke, muffled into Javier’s chest:

“In the past, I often thought silly things. _I miss Javi so much, but does he miss me too?_ You seemed so content and I should’ve been glad but in a little corner of my heart I was petty and jealous. And then when _it_ happened, it’s like I was punished.”

“You need to stop blaming yourself for things, Yuzu. Let me repeat: you don’t deserve anything bad that comes your way. Neither do I. God knows I missed you too. Am I supposed to think my wife left me as punishment? It doesn’t make sense. Life happens, Yuzu – good and bad, we have to take it all as it is.”

Yuzuru hummed noncommittally, but tightened his arms around Javier further.

“I just wish you didn’t keep all this pain and hurt inside. When you told me what happened, it’s like you were reciting a few well-rehearsed lines, so calm and collected.” Yuzuru tensed at that, and Javier caressed his hair soothingly: “Don’t get me wrong, I believe everything you said-“

“I’m not _lying_ -“, Yuzuru said, resentfully.

“I know you’re not – but you’re also working hard to be emotionless about it. I just want to tell you that it’s okay to let go. Cry, get mad – you don’t have to pretend with me.”

“Why do you think I’m pretending?” Yuzuru asked in a small voice.

“Because I can feel that you’re not okay”, Javier answered honestly.

“You feel too much, Javi”, Yuzuru answered a little roughly. “That was always your problem.”

“That’s just who I am, though”, Javier shrugged.

Yuzuru whined low in his throat, and then suddenly, Javier’s proximity and his gentle words were too much for him – he broke into messy, unrestrained tears. He never remembered crying like this before – not even after the earthquake, not after losing medals, not after breaking his ankle, not even when he finally arrived home, hurt, dizzy and half-starved. He vaguely heard himself making sounds like a wounded animal, amid helpless sobs, and hated himself for his weakness but he couldn’t stop. Javier didn’t try to stop him and he didn’t pull back from the embrace – he held Yuzuru closer still, fingers still playing absently through his hair, while he made comforting, reassuring noises, mingled with words in Spanish that sounded like endearments. Yuzuru cried until Javier’s shirt became wet and crumpled, until he felt his eyes slipping closed, wrung out from exhaustion and emotion. He only had a vague memory of being guided to a bed, then nothing until morning.

“Uhhnnn”, Yuzuru stretched, and looked around. He wasn’t in his room, and Javier was sleeping beside him in a big bed. “What happened?”

“Mmm?” Javier reacted, as he slowly blinked awake as well. “Hi, good morning.”

“Is this your bed?” Yuzuru asked.

“Yes. Sorry, yesterday I tried to get you to go to sleep, but you wouldn’t let go of my hand. The bed in the spare room isn’t big enough for two, so- here we are.”

Javier grinned a little sheepishly, and Yuzuru smiled, and grabbed Javier’s hand, squeezing it in gentle acknowledgement.

“Yes, here we are. I like this new arrangement. And I think I don’t ever want to let go of your hand.”

Javier blushed, and bit his lip, looking down, and Yuzuru’s smile got wider when he realized how all this sounded like a marriage proposal.

“Also, I’m sorry about being such a.... I’m sorry for ruining your shirt,” he settled for saying, because this was humiliating enough.

Javier looked at Yuzuru searchingly.

“I’m not sorry”, he finally answered, “because it helped you.” He didn’t try to continue the discussion, and Yuzuru felt absurdly relieved and grateful for that. “Come on. Let’s get up and feed the cats.”

 

*

“...Heeey, I’m home”, Javier called out, balancing several bags in both hands, as he struggled to close and lock the door behind him. “Yuzu? ... Feel free to come help me, y’know....? Ah, mierda...”, he exclaimed as he dropped the key in one of the bags. “Yuzu!” he shouted even louder, annoyed, and shook his head when nothing but silence answered him, then sighed and put the bags down. “Those earphones of yours must be super, really, to entirely block out me yelling like this....”, he quipped sarcastically, as he began to rummage in one of the bags for the fallen key. “Yeah, yeah, don’t mind me, I’m fine, I’m managing here... go away, tonto”, he pushed Carino, who had come to inspect one of the bags, sniffing it curiously and trying to climb inside. “....and if you ask how I managed to get on so far on my own – well, I – oh, there it is.”

Having finally located the key, Javier closed and locked the door, and picked up the bags, carrying them into the kitchen. There, he unloaded the shopping and put everything in its proper place, and the bags folded safely in a drawer. No matter how distracted Javier was, there were never any bags left unattended around the house – a habit picked up ever since Malena was little and had once given him and Lidia a big scare by placing a paper bag over her head and going ‘peekaboo’. Carino jumped onto the kitchen counter, nuzzling up to him. Javier gave him a nose kiss.

“Hey, Carino, did you miss me? I was only away for a few hours. Let’s go find that antisocial kid. Where is he hiding?”

Javier looked inside Yuzuru’s room – it was empty – he looked inside his own room, for good measure: empty, as well. He knocked on the bathroom door, by now a little worried, and listening in, he heard the shower running. He frowned, and knocked:

“Yuzu, are you in there?”

No answer, and Javier went right in, since there was still no answer and pulled the curtain aside. Yuzuru was standing in the shower, but just outside the reach of the running water, staring attentively at something. He only turned, blinking repeatedly, when Javier moved a hand in front of his eyes.

“What the hell is going on? Didn’t you hear me?”

“Uh – no.”

“Sorry to barge on you like this, but I was worried when you didn’t answer.”

“It’s fine, I was just watching -”, he waved a hand towards a corner of the room.

“....what?” Javier asked, bewildered.

“A spider. A big one who looks like it’s been here for some time, because it has quite a big web, you see?”

“Ah, well – if that’s a comment on my cleaning, then well, I’m sorry. I haven’t really been bending myself backwards to keep the house clean since Lidia left, but hey, since you’re here, maybe you can help, and not complain?”

Javier turned away, shaking his head, and went to the sink to wash his hands and splash some water on his face.

“I saw a little green insect with transparent wings flying around here, too”, Yuzuru continued unperturbed, in the same even voice. “I don’t know its name, it looked a little like a dragonfly but much smaller. I liked watching it. I didn’t even notice the spider at first. But when the green insect got caught in the web, the spider came quickly. Too quickly. I was gonna free it, but it came too quickly.”

“Don’t mess with the circle of life”, Javier deadpanned. “Didn’t you watch animal planet when you were little? If the tiger doesn’t get the gazelle, the tiger starves.”

“And then I couldn’t look away.”

“Just how many showers do you plan on taking today, though? You were in the shower when I left, as well.”

“Just the one”, Yuzuru answered.

Javier closed his eyes tightly, then opened them, with a look of pure bewilderment.

“Sorry, I must have water in my ears. You mean you’ve been in the shower all this time??”

“I told you, I got distracted. The spider came quickly and there was a struggle, the green insect tried to break free. But the spider-“

“Yuzuru, you’ve been standing in the shower for more than three hours. Stop talking about fucking insects!”

“Don’t yell, Javi, it’s not my fault you have spiders in the house. So after the green insect was dead – I assumed it was, because it stopped struggling inside the web, the spider kept coming back towards it, then moving away – why do you suppose it did that?”

“Dios mio, I don’t know and I don’t care,” Javier answered, with growing unease.

He reached out tentatively for Yuzuru’s shoulder, and found it icy cold to touch. The stream from the shower was lukewarm but Yuzuru hadn’t even been standing under it, but just next to it, on the cold tiles. Javier slowly reached out and turned the water off. Yuzuru kept rambling:

“And after a while, I noticed that the green insect was smaller somehow – all shriveled like, and I realized the spider must have been feeding on it. Maybe. Probably – I think. What do you think, Javi?”

“You’re scaring me, Yuzu. Just fucking snap out of it, do you hear me?”

“Stop shouting, Javi. It’s fine, there’s not much more to see here anyway. But it was interesting, don’t you think it was interesting?”

Obviously, Javier didn’t – he was busy rummaging in a cupboard, from where he eventually extracted a blanket – it was a little shabby and old, but large and warm enough. He wrapped it around Yuzuru, then lifted him and carried him out of the bathroom. Yuzuru placed his arms around Javier and sneezed unexpectedly into his hair.

“I love it when you lift me, please lift me more, Javi!” he said, and wiped his nose with the back of his hand.

Javier bit back about ten angry remarks that he wanted to utter in that moment. Instead he dropped Yuzuru on the couch a little abruptly, pulled the blanket close around him and offered him a tissue.

“Please stay here until you get properly warm”, he ordered. “I’m not babysitting you if you get sick.”

“Do you want to join me?” Yuzuru asked, hopefully. “I can get warm faster if you hold me.”

“Not a chance”, Javier bit back, his annoyance finally getting the better of him.

“I don’t understand why you got so upset”, Yuzuru said, morosely.

Javier stared at him, trying to determine whether or not Yuzuru was playing a very elaborate prank on him. Then he sighed and said, as gently as he could, but with no intention to sugarcoat things:

“Yuzu, you spent the entire morning in the shower, watching a fucking spider. And if you don’t see anything wrong with that, then I’m sorry but you’re not in your right mind. I think keeping to your room for all these years has perhaps taken its toll.”

“Why?” Yuzuru asked immediately. “Why do you say that?”

Javier sighed. He was tired, and still a little shaken.

“You know what, nevermind. Let’s forget about it. I’m going to make dinner.”

“Can I come and help?”

“Are you sure there aren’t any more insects you’d rather be watching?” Javier couldn’t help himself.

Yuzuru laughed, and Javier felt the corner of his own mouth twitch. Perhaps this was funny...if he could just shake the uncanny feeling of ‘not right’.

“Just put some clothes on,” he relented, by way of agreement.

 

*

“The divorce papers are here for you to sign”, Lidia told him, as she kicked back in Javier's direction a ball which had slid towards her feet, that Malena and Javier had been playing with. “Is that alright?”

“Sure”, Javier answered, with a smile.

“Also... I’ve taken a few days off work next week, and I was thinking of going to the seaside with Malena. You’re welcome to come as well, if you want. It would be a nice holiday.”

Javier’s face lit up, but then he frowned.

“Hmm, I’d love to. But I have to see if I can.”

“Oh, that is of course, if you don’t have other engagements, sure.”

“I’ll let you know. I’d love to come. Are you sure you want to invite me, and not... well, someone else?”

Lidia almost burst out laughing.

“Javi”, she said, slightly rolling her eyes at him. “You’re still Malena’s dad and you’ll always be a part of our lives. No matter who I might meet, that will never change.”

Javier’s eyes softened.

“Thank you, Lidia.”

“You’re welcome. You look good, by the way. You seem more preoccupied lately, but you look good. Being a bachelor again must suit you”, she teased.

Javier tried to smile. For a few wild seconds, he imagined telling Lidia about Yuzuru – he sure could use some advice. But he couldn’t do that without Yuzuru’s permission. Instead, he nodded at Lidia, and focused back on the ball game.

*

_It was close to driving him insane - the weight of pain, far too heavy for him to bear, weak and hopeless and trapped, and with the prospect of an endless string of nights and days with nothing but pain to keep him company. It made him break down and beg, against his better judgement:_

_‘Please, my leg hurts so bad. I need painkillers. Please – the pain is too much, I’m going crazy’_

_‘Should’ve though of that before you climbed up there, eh?’_

_‘What is he rambling in Japanese, Kaito? I hope he’s apologizing for causing trouble.’_

_‘He hurt himself when he fell and he’s asking for pain meds.’_

_‘Haha yeah right. The only thing you’ll get for the stunt you pulled is some boots to your stomach, you little shit - -’_

_‘Stop stop – no more – stop!’_

_‘Oh you speak English now, do you?’ – followed by derisive laughter, but the kicking mercifully stopped._

_‘Come on, guys, let’s go. He won’t try anything else tonight, not in his state.’_

_Two of them moved towards the door but Kaito remained behind._

_‘Are you coming, Kaito?’_

_‘You guys go on ahead.’_

_Yuzuru propped himself on his elbows with some difficulty and spat a mouthful of blood, trembling heavily with shock._

_‘Kaito, you know me. Please have some pity.’_

_‘You don’t get something for nothing, Yuzuru.’_

_‘There’s – there’s no harm done and....You need me alive....without pain meds, I won’t last the night. Please, do the right thing, it’s the right thing to do, you need me alive.’_

_‘...I told you – no something for nothing.’_

_‘What does this mean, what does it mean, I can’t think-‘_

_‘You can, you’re clever, you’ll figure it out.’_

_‘......’_

_‘Don’t you remember, when you refused me?’_

_‘Yes, of course, I - I told you I’m not looking for a relationship and I was in love with someone else. Kaito, I think you took plenty of revenge for that by telling those other two about me – it’s because of you I’m the one here, instead of some poor someone else....’_

_‘That was revenge, yes, but it wasn’t satisfaction. Although seeing you grovel at my feet is pretty satisfying. How the tables have turned. Well, now’s your chance to change your answer and I’ll give you all the pain meds you want in return.’_

_‘What? What do you mean change my answer?’ Yuzuru coughed again into his hands. He looked at his trembling fingers in the dim light. This time, there wasn’t as much blood mingling with the saliva. His stomach hurt, but not enough to distract him from the stabbing pain in the leg. He blinked heavily, trying to focus._

_“Tick tock, Yuzuru. Make up your mind soon or I go up and leave you.’_

_‘How....how can I change my answer? I’m still in love with someone else and –‘_

_‘You idiot. I don’t need you to love me anymore. I just need you to_ let me.’

_‘What...?? This – now?....why?... How can you - how can you want this of me now? What’s this about....?’_

_‘Well, it’s not about ‘love’ - this high lofty ideal that you look like you carry around. It’s about satisfaction for me, and humiliation for you. Do you understand that?’_

_‘You can’t be that heartless, even you can’t be—‘_

_‘Stop making this into some high drama. It’s a good deal. I get to have you, and you get in return sweet oblivion. You have my promise that afterwards I’ll sedate you so you won’t have to worry about anything.’_

_‘No. The answer’s no. I’ll die and you won’t get your money, neither of you, won’t get anything, you hear me?!’_

_‘Or you’ll get over your big ego – you live, we all live, and everyone’s happy.’_

_‘Fuck off. I hope you rot in prison after I’m dead.’_

_‘This guy you’re holding a torch for – who is he anyway, I’m curious. Does he care about you at all? Do you think he gives a shit that you’re here in this mess? No, he doesn’t. If he could see you right now, he’d be disgusted. There’s no one in your life, Yuzuru – no one at all, you’re alone.’_

_‘Stop talking, idiot, stop talking’, Yuzuru hissed between his teeth, trying to cover his ears._

_‘It could’ve been me in your life but you said no. You’re the idiot here. Make the right choice now. No feelings, just cold reason. Aren’t you proud of always being rational? Don’t be a fucking sentimental fool, Yuzuru. You don’t have anything to gain from that.’_

‘... _I’m going to make it. I’m not a stranger to pain. I’ll make it without anyone’s help. I won’t break. I’m going to make it-‘_

_‘Fine. Just in case you change your mind, I’ll go stock up on strong painkillers. I’ll pay you another visit when I return from town.’_

_‘I hope you get hit by a car.’_

_A derisive snicker, retreating steps, a door opening and closing. Silence. And nothing but pain, overwhelming, unforgiving, blackout pain._

_An eternity of hell later – returning steps. Yuzuru’s voice speaking out mindlessly without his will or permission:_

_‘...Kaito? Kaito please-‘_

_‘Your answer, Yuzuru?’_

_‘...Yes.’ Bitter tears. ‘.... Just hurry up and get it over with.’_

 

Yuzuru sat up in bed, a scream on his lips. Next to him, Effie snarled and hopped off the bed.

Javier was gone for a few days, spending some time with Malena and Lidia on a short holiday, and Yuzuru had reassured him that it was fine, he could go and spend as much time with them as he wanted. But as it turned out, the prolonged silence in the apartment, only occasionally broken by purring and meowing, was apparently unsettling enough for Yuzuru that his nightmares returned with a vengeance. Not even his music helped anymore. He had been _fine,_ it had been so long and Yuzuru had come to terms with all that had happened, but now Javier prodding at him with nothing but good intentions broke a dam inside him that had never been properly dealt with, only barely contained.

He trudged out of bed and went to the kitchen to feed the cats. Then he went back to bed, pausing only to pick up a pair of earphones along the way. 

Yuzuru must have fallen asleep again at some point, because the sound of the cellphone ringing shook him to an abrupt and unpleasant awareness. Unless it was his mother, with whom he usually talked in the evenings, it could only be Javi calling to check up on him, no one else had this number. He answered without even checking the caller ID and smiled when he heard Javier’s voice:

 “Hey, are you alright?”

“You shouldn’t call”, Yuzuru mumbled, “what if someone hears?”

“Are you fine, have you been crying? You sound strange.”

“I was sleeping”, Yuzuru mumbled.

“Oh, I’m sorry, didn’t mean to wake you up. Just checking up on you.”

“How are you? How is the sea?”

“It’s lovely”, Javier answered. He sounded relaxed and happy. Yuzuru smiled. “Wish you were here too, though. It’s not too late to change your mind, you know – if you want to come...?”

“No”, Yuzuru answered flatly. “But I’m glad you’re enjoying it. Don’t worry about me, Javi. Give Malena a hug from me.”

Javier made a noise like he wanted to say something, but changed his mind.

“Will do. Take care. Sweet dreams, sleepyhead. Don’t forget to feed the cats.”

Yuzuru laughed.

“Bye Javi~”

 

*

“You know, you could have brought someone else, too, if you wanted”, Lidia told him as they were standing on the balcony, sharing a cigarette, after Malena had fallen asleep.

Javier threw her a quick look:

“How?-“

“Oh, you’re not being very subtle, sneaking away with your phone at random intervals-“

“I’m sorry, that’s really rude of me, isn’t it?”

“Not at all. I just don’t want you to think you have to hide from us, for some reason. I go on dates, too. Nothing stable at the moment, just testing the waters. But with you, it looks like something serious...”

Javier hesitated.

“It’s not.....it’s complicated. He – um - couldn’t have come anyway.”

“ _He?_ Oh!”

Javier bit his lip, then said quickly, before he could change his mind:

“Lidia, what would you do if someone you cared about was suffering but didn’t want to talk to you about it, and you wanted to make him snap out of it, and maybe start to enjoy life again, but you don’t want to come across as rude or pushy, and you don’t want to belittle his suffering either, but you just want him to be happy or at least trust you enough to tell you about his pain-?” Javier paused for breath, and wondered briefly if what he said even made sense, and if he didn’t perhaps say too much.

“....Wow”, Lidia replied, eventually. “That’s specific. Is there....anything _you_ feel like telling me, Javier?”

“N-no”, he wavered. “I mean...just hypothetically”, he ended, with a grimace.

Lidia examined her nails thoughtfully, as she pondered this. She put out the cigarette, squeezing the stub into the ashtray.

“I think you should tell this person that if they really care for you, then they should tell you what they’re feeling, what they’re going through – whether it’s good or bad. You can’t build a relationship on secrets, Javi. I mean, we tried that, and look where it got us.”

Javier looked at her, a little taken aback at her straightforwardness, but then again Lidia had always been like this, ever since they’ve met, and why should she change just because they weren’t together anymore. A smile, half sad, half grateful, found its way on Javier’s face, and Lidia answered with a wistful smile of her own.  
“You’ll be alright, Javi. And if you ever need any help or advice, you know you can always count on me.”

 

*

“Do you ever think about going back?”

“Back?” Yuzuru echoed, anticipating another fruitless and annoying discussion in which Javier would try to persuade him about letting the world know that he was alive, arguing that he had a responsibility to people, that what he was doing wasn’t healthy, and all that nonsense that he usually shut down automatically.

But instead Javier continued:

"Yes, back on the ice.”

It’s not like Yuzuru didn’t think about this before, but it was always with a yearning that precluded any thoughts of acting out on what he wanted. It was like skating, along with his former life, was a chapter that had ended. He wondered how he could begin to convey this to Javier without him misunderstanding. His English was better, but not enough for expressing something so delicate. 

“I’ve been out of practice for so long, I think I’ve forgotten how to jump entirely, even if I was healthy enough to try it”, he said eventually, with a good-natured smile that was supposed to convey he didn’t mind it much. “And my ankle---“

“Nevermind that”, Javier interrupted, impatiently. “Don’t you miss skating? I mean – you, of all people....you used to say skating was your life.”

‘ _Here we go again’_ , Yuzuru thought, with some bitterness, and decided to turn the conversation around:

“It was, yes. Like it was for you. But then you got married and had a child and it wasn’t a way of life for you anymore, either.”

Javier stared.

“How is that similar?”

“Well....people change.”

“You did more than ‘change’,” Javier couldn’t stop himself from pointing out. “You’re a shadow of your former self, Yuzuru. A shell.”

“Like that green insect”, Yuzuru murmured, thankfully too low for Javier to hear him.

“I wish you’d do something – something grand, something impossible, an amazing comeback, like we’re all used to seeing from you –“ Yuzuru interrupted him by laughing wildly, but Javier went on unperturbed, “please tell me there’s still some fire inside you and it hasn’t all gone out-“

“I think the fire is long gone, Javi”, Yuzuru smiled, “but it’s okay, I’m calmer now. I see things differently.”

“It can’t all be gone, it can’t be”, Javier shook his head stubbornly like a child being told that Santa doesn’t exist. “Look – let’s go skating. I’ll try and make it so we have the rink to ourselves for an hour or so – no one will see you, that’s a promise. Please, I just want to give you this.”

Yuzuru was shaking his head in a definite no before Javier had even finished speaking.

“Please, Yuzu – do this one little thing for me! You and me, on the ice again? The good old times, remember? We’re not at TCC anymore, but it’s the next best thing!”

“No, Javi. Stop asking. I don’t have the skates with me and I haven’t been on the ice in all these years. Besides, someone might still see me. It’s not a good idea at all.”

“I just wish I could give you some of that fire back”, Javier said, with wistful sadness. “It used to be me who was asking, remember? When I came to the Cricket Club to train before the Europeans... Madre mia, it seems a lifetime ago. Do you remember, Yuzu --?”

“I remember everything”, Yuzuru confirmed. “I said you have fire of your own and you can win.”

“Not quite”, Javier corrected him. “You said I could do anything. ... So I kissed you.”

Yuzuru frowned slightly, as if lost in thought.

“So silly...”, he murmured, “like playing at love.”

“...I wasn’t playing”, Javier defended himself. “Okay at first, maybe a little. But the joke was on me, because I fell in love with you so swiftly and completely, it turned my entire world around. And I’m still in love with you, even though you’re so withdrawn and strange these days.” 

“Withdrawn and strange”, Yuzuru repeated, with a hint of derision that looked wrong on his face.

“Sorry, that wasn’t.... I just meant.... Oh hell, I’ll just be blunt, alright? You’re going around pretending everything is fine, but it's not. This isn't like you, hiding away rather than face reality."

“Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do.”

Javier shook his head, not taking the bait.

“I keep thinking about what you told me happened and it doesn’t make sense to me”, he said, seriously. “Those guys may have got away with the money, but you still managed to escape from a dangerous situation. It’s not like you to keep a story of overcoming from the world. Instead you’re happy to let the world think you’re dead – and how long can people mourn, Yuzu? They forget eventually, you know, they’re only human. There’s other things happening, other tragedies, other senseless things....sooner or later, they’ll move on, and forget you.”

“They won’t”, Yuzuru replied, fiercely, eyes filling with tears. “They can’t. I’ve achieved so much. I sacrificed so much. I only want to be remembered for my achievements. That’s all I want.”

Javier nodded in relief, at this glimpse of the old Yuzuru shining through the cracks.

“Maybe you need to remind them”, he said, lightly.

“If they need reminding, then they never really loved me”, Yuzuru answered contemptuously.

“....Okay”, Javier relented, then changed tactics. “So what are your plans for the future? You came here because you wanted a relationship with me, yes? How is that going to work, if you won’t come out and face the world?”

“I just...I want to live like this, with you, in a little house where no one bothers us. And with the two cats. Malena can come visit. And mom.”

“Yuzu”, Javier shook his head. “This is wishful thinking.”

“Why? Don’t you love me? Don’t you want to make me happy? I want to make you happy, Javi. I want to try. I feel like if it’s just you and me, I could try.”

“Okay, okay, Yuzu. Listen. I promise I will sell this apartment which is too big anyway for two people, and buy a little house somewhere remote, where you can go outside from time to time, maybe a little cottage by the sea. I saw some really nice ones up for sale on the way to the resort where we stayed at-“

“That is a great idea, Javi. I’d love that! I will help with all the money I have!”

“....right, okay, but in return, I’m going to need you to _talk_ to me, Yuzu. I want you to tell me everything that happened, all that you’re not saying, everything you’re glossing over, what’s making you cry and have nightmares and stare at insects on the wall for hours and pretend that everything is alright when I see everyday in your eyes that it isn’t.”

“ _You don’t get something for nothing,”_ Yuzuru mumbled in Japanese, going pale.

“What?” Javier asked, looking at him worriedly.

Yuzuru got a wild cornered look on his face, eyes shifting madly from side to side, like he was ready to bolt, out of the room, out of the house, possibly out of Javier’s life as well, and that wasn’t what Javier had expected, this was all wrong.

But there was no averting the crisis any longer, so Javier gave chase as Yuzuru jumped from the couch and caught him just as he was about to shut the bathroom door in his face. Even though he felt pity more than outrage, Javier held on to Yuzuru’s shoulders firmly, and shouted at him with none of the considerate tact from before:

“What are you running from? What are you hiding from? Why don’t you trust me enough to tell me what you’re going through?”

“Javi, I’m gonna be sick”, Yuzuru muttered, pulling angrily out of his grip, and all but collapsed in front of the toilet, where he was indeed sick. Javier kneeled next to him and held his forehead as he vomited – continuous dry heaving signalling that the nausea didn’t pass, even after there was nothing left to throw up.

“You just had to keep poking at me”, Yuzuru hissed, too exhausted to be properly resentful, leaning back against Javier, once the dry heaving had eventually subsided. “You just didn’t want to leave it alone....”

“I’m sorry”, Javier said, chagrined and remorseful. “I-“

“Stop. I will tell you everything. And then you will see that knowing is a punishment.”

 

Yuzuru was so angry, it was almost a blessing, because it kept the tears at bay, it kept him from breaking down as he recounted what happened that night, after his failed escape attempt, the scene that featured most often as a highlight in most of his nightmares. He was scrupulously accurate in rendering the conversation between him and Kaito, almost cruelly descriptive in the details of his own feelings, because he truly meant to hurt Javier in those moments. Like he had said, it was punishing Javier because Yuzuru knew very well how it would affect him. In fact one of the reasons why Yuzuru had avoided telling him so far was because he had wanted to protect Javier. The other reason was of course that Yuzuru was working hard to pretend it never happened at all, and he did such a good job of it so far that even the person closest to him, his mother, still suspected nothing. And now all of his hard work and good intentions were torn apart by Javier, and, in retrospect Yuzuru should’ve seen it coming - since all Javier ever did in Yuzuru’s life was turn the latter’s best laid plans upside down.

Javier was silent all throughout, not reacting in any way, as if afraid that Yuzuru would stop talking if he was interrupted.

“So now you understand, Javi”, Yuzuru said, and there was almost a relish in finally saying out loud the words he had so often repeated to himself in his mind: “I lost a part of myself. I failed. I wasn’t strong enough. There’s a dark stain on the story of my life. I couldn’t control my destiny. I have failed a test of character and resilience."

“No”, Javier finally said, in a low whisper, “no, Yuzuru – you didn’t.”

“ _Yes_. I lost my integrity. My honour. Because I was too weak to withstand pain.”

“Yuzu”, Javier asked, tentatively, “did he give you the meds? Did he keep his word?”

Yuzuru waved a hand.

“Yes, but-“

“Then you did what you had to do, to survive.”

Yuzuru clicked his tongue in disapproval, but Javier was still processing everything and frowning as he struggled to make sense of it all.

“Who is this guy, Yuzu?” he asked eventually. “Where does he know you from? Is he a skater?”

“Nooo. He worked at the Cricket club, as an ice technician.”

“What? You mean he drove the zamboni?”

“Sometimes. Him or his assistant.”

“And... you knew him well?”

Yuzuru shrugged.

“I saw him around. We weren’t friends, just acquaintances. He worked there, I trained there. We said hello to each other, that’s all.”

“I’m just....stunned that he had the gall to make a pass at you. How did that happen? He just came up to you and asked you – what exactly?”

“He asked me out on a date”, Yuzuru answered, tiredly. Telling the story had exhausted him greatly and he wanted off the emotional roller coaster now. He didn’t want to deal with Javier asking a hundred more questions to get a better grasp on the story. He already knew too much and the story made no sense anyway. Yuzuru should know, he had thought about it often enough, from all angles, and he was familiar with all its ugly, senseless implications. He sighed deeply, when it became apparent Javier was waiting for him to go on. “He asked me out, I said no, and tried to let him down nicely saying I was busy. But then he kept asking. So I had to tell him I’m not looking for a relationship, and I’m in love with someone else, so he’d get the message and quit pestering me.”

“And?”

“And then he stopped asking.”

“And no one else knew about this? You didn’t think to tell anyone about this? Brian, or Tracy, or even your mom, that this guy was bothering you?” Javier asked quietly, but slowly working up towards a barely contained anger.

“Tell what?” Yuzuru shouted, getting annoyed at being called out like a child. “And he didn’t bother me, he just asked! He was never rude or anything!”

“So was he the one who kidnapped you?” Javier spit out, barely able to keep his cool.

“No. It was the other two. But Kaito must have told them my schedule and the layout of the club, gave them all the keys they needed and stuff.”

“You told me they all wore masks, Yuzu.”

“They did wear masks, _Javi._ But they also needed to talk to me, and they quickly realized they couldn’t understand my English and needed an interpreter. When Kaito spoke to me, I recognized his voice, and I told him so. It was useless for him to hide after that.”

“So this _Kaito...._ decided to take revenge for being rejected by telling his low-life friends that kidnapping you would be an easy way to make a fortune, he risked his job and possibly his freedom to be of all possible help to the kidnappers.... and then he still hated you enough to take advantage of you when you were at your weakest, and what’s even worse, force you to consent to it – and after all that, you didn’t tell the police about him? You just let him get away with a big amount of money?? Yuzu, I’m trying to be sympathetic here but I just can’t! Every decision you’ve made since then is wrong, wrong wr—“

“Every decision I’ve made since I met _you_ was wrong, Javi!” Yuzuru jumped up and shouted, trembling with nerves. His voice was rising to a high-pitched scream and his English was failing him, but he didn’t care, so he pushed on. “Is wrong to fall in love with you, is wrong to let you leave me, is wrong to be in touch with you, is wrong to think about you always, is wrong to always want more!” He took a deep breath, going for the kill, as Javier could only watch him, dumbstruck. “And is wrong to come here now, and is wrong to tell you this, worst story of my life, that I never tell anyone, and it hurts so much to remember!”

He pushed past Javier who was still standing frozen, scared of the outburst, and ran to his room. Javier followed slowly, and watched as Yuzuru opened the closet and started taking out clothes.

“What are you doing?” he asked carefully.

“Leaving.”

“You’re not going anywhere in this state. God, you just need to calm down. We both need to calm down. Let’s sit down, have some tea and....”

Yuzuru just kept pulling clothes out of the cupboard, laying them on the bed.

“Look, I’m sorry, Yuzu. I didn’t mean to – dios mio, I’m still so angry too.... I just meant that all this could’ve been handled differently, but I don't blame you or anything-“

Yuzuru snorted loudly. Javier ran a hand over his face, trying to get his temper to settle down.

“If it helps, I’m just as angry at _myself_ for not handling this differently! You were right – a lot of this is my fault!”

“What?” Yuzuru asked. “That’s not what I meant when I said—“

“After you went missing”, Javier interrupted him impatiently, “Brian called me and told me if the police contacted me, I shouldn’t drag up the past, I shouldn't tell them there was anything between us. But that was _wrong,_ Yuzu! I’ve thought so often since then – maybe I should have told someone, maybe it would’ve helped-“

“It wouldn’t have helped, what are you talking about?” Yuzuru asked, so surprised by Javier’s words, that he forgot about the clothes.

“If i had told the police _everything,_ without hiding the fact that we were both still in love with each other, and if Kaito ever told anyone about his interest in dating you, then it could’ve been a lead, they might have thought it was worth pursuing, and then, once they’d tracked him down....”

“For all I know, the police might have talked to Kaito, and got nothing out of him.”

“Kaito wanted to know why you refused him, didn’t he? He kept asking you who was the person you were in love with. So maybe if they mentioned me, our relationship, he might have given something away or at least arouse their suspicion enough to investigate him.”

“That’s... a bit of a stretch”, Yuzuru answered.

“As much of a stretch as you claiming that any of this could’ve been prevented by you not loving me”, Javier answered, sadly. “As much of a stretch as believing that leaving me would solve anything now.”

Yuzuru let the shirt in his hands fall to the floor and slumped on the bed, eyes empty.

“Look – I’m going to make some tea”, Javier repeated. “Some of mine I recently bought. Relaxing tea with linden and chamomile. Okay? Yeah. Here I go.”

Yuzuru remained on the bed until the aroma of the infusion of unfamiliar herbs mixed with lemon and honey filled the room. Then he sighed and stood up. He looked around, the clothes he took out of the closet were still lying haphazardly on the bed where he left them. He mechanically started putting them back in the closet, then left the room to join Javier in the kitchen. Javier motioned towards a steaming cup on the table, and Yuzuru smiled at him, taking a seat next to him on the low bench. They sat there, sipping the tea slowly, their knees touching, in what eventually became a comfortable silence. The tea was slowly working its magic on their frayed nerves.

“This is good tea”, Yuzuru said, evenly, and Javier grinned widely.

“I may be a coffee guy but I do know a thing or two about tea, if need be”, he said, lightly.

Yuzuru turned and kissed Javier softly and chastely, a peace offering.

“Yuzu....”, Javier spoke up, hands hovering slighly over Yuzuru’s frame as if wanting but not daring to touch. “I didn’t mean what I said, that every decision you made was wrong, I was just so mad because of what happened....But I’m not mad at you.... It’s not your fault, carino, none of this is.”

“And I didn’t mean it when I said I wanted to leave”, Yuzuru answered.

“Listen, Yuzu - I love you, I’d do anything to make you happy. We can go live someplace remote if you want. But maybe someday you’ll see things differently. You don’t have to always be strong to deserve to be loved. Maybe someday you’ll stop judging yourself so harshly, and give yourself another chance.”

“Maybe someday”, Yuzuru smiled.


	9. Chapter 9

After they finished their tea, they had gone to bed together. They lay for a while in silence, just looking at each other, as if wondering how their relationship would now be affected, if either of them had suffered a seachange.

“Are you feeling better now?” Javier asked, softly.

Yuzuru nodded.

“I'm sorry”, Javier said, feelingly. “I'm sorry that all of that happened, and I'm sorry I made you tell me, and that hurt you. But I'm not sorry that you told me. I'm glad I know everything now, because that means that you can talk to me whenever you want about what you're feeling - you don't have to hold it all inside anymore.”

“I don't want to talk about it”, Yuzuru said. “The less I think about it, the more I can pretend it never happened. And I didn't want anyone to know, least of all you, Javi. It's ugly and I don't want this between us, I don't - I _don't-_ “

“Shhh”, Javier soothed him. “It's not between us. It's somewhere apart from us, it's over, it's all over. We're just seeing its ghostly reflection as it moves further and further away, in the past.”

“I just wish I could –“, Yuzuru whispered, as if truly afraid to wake the ghosts of the past. He reached for Javier's hand and Javier let him, squeezing the fragile fingers clasped into his own, in gentle encouragement.

“I should have braved the pain”, Yuzuru said, finally, mouth dry and voice raspy. “It's all I think about whenever I remember this. Why didn't I withstand the pain, why wasn't I strong enough? I know how to turn pain into something else, something like power, something worthy. And I know, even when the pain is at its worst, and there is no rest between the pangs, entering me with every breath I take -- I still know that there is a thread of light somewhere at the end of the darkness and that I won't wholly be destroyed. And then if I can just focus on it, then the pain itself becomes refined, like a precious metal, and I too become radiant and stronger with it. I wish I could explain it better, Javi, so you can understand, but it’s like... it’s like I can see for real a thread of light winding at the edge of my field of vision, in my mind's eye, and suddenly, there is more than one, there are several, twisting together, to the rhythm of my throbs, and they become something beautiful. Like the stars were that night so many years ago when there was so much darkness and death around me – I think that’s when something broke inside me and suddenly I could see things differently. You probably think I'm crazy”, Yuzuru sniffed, with a chuckle, stopping for breath.

“No, Yuzu”, Javier replied. “I'm very grateful that you trust me enough to tell me this.”

“I never told anyone before, not in so many words... Anyway none of that worked _that other night_. I couldn't see a thread of light, I couldn't make the pain anything other than ugly and horrible, with no hope of relief. It was all darkness, and fear. If only...”, Yuzuru freed his hand from Javier's grip and started twisting his fingers together, seemingly unaware that he was doing it – “if only-- do you know how many times I've asked myself why, _why,_ and if only! I've talked to therapists and they taught me some tricks. They were useful but I still can’t understand why the light deserted me in those moments.”

Javier's heart was twisted into knots to hear one of the strongest people he knew speak of his own weakness with such heartbreaking incredulity.

“Even if it did”, he answered, “it was no personal failing of yours. It doesn’t mean the light gave up on you. Maybe it was too busy comforting other people who were trapped in darkness.”

Yuzuru whined like Javier's words were tearing at him, while also providing a new and bitter comfort. He inched closer, clutching at Javier’s t-shirt.

“I'm so tired”, he murmured.

“Sleep then, Yuzu.”

Javier lifted his hand, and touched Yuzuru's face, slowly caressing him - no sensual intent behind his actions, only pure affection, like one would soothe a child tormented by illness or by nightmares. He remembered doing the same with Malena once when she had a fever that lasted all night, and it comforted the child enough so she could sleep. Javier felt a rare tenderness fill his heart, that was also a source of strength - Yuzuru had entrusted him with so much – he had essentially placed himself into his care and allowed him to see inside his deepest secret, a glimpse into the darkest night of his life and the shadows in his mind. Shadows that Javier wholly believed that Yuzuru could still turn into threads of light. He had meant what he told Yuzuru, the light never wholly deserted him. Unexpectedly, Javier felt a sharp pang of anger as he remembered that Kaito had essentially used him, Javier, to break Yuzuru in those moments- telling him the person he loved abandoned him and he was alone. It must have made a strange kind of sense to Yuzuru in those moments. Javier knew he couldn’t heal Yuzuru by any stretch of imagination, but he could make sure Yuzuru would never doubt himself, or feel alone again, while he found a way to heal himself.

Javier woke early the next morning, still thinking about everything that happened. Next to him, Yuzuru was still breathing deeply, not even stirring, although his fingers were still grasping at Javier. He easily removed them, kissing them softly, and laying them on the pillow, as Yuzuru slept on, undisturbed. Somewhere in the back of Javier’s mind was the impulse to do _something,_ but he didn’t want to leave Yuzuru alone, so he spent the entire day looking into houses for sale, and making discrete inquiries about selling his own apartment. It would be a long process but he wanted to at least have it started and keep his promise to Yuzuru. It also gave him the impression that he was doing something useful.

Yuzuru slept for almost the entire day, a deep uninterrupted sleep - unbothered by the cats moving in and out of the room and hopping on and off the bed, as well as by random household noises as Javier was bustling around the apartment. Slightly worried, Javier checked on him a few times, but Yuzuru seemed fine, although he wasn't stirring.

In the late afternoon, Javier made dinner and decided to wake Yuzuru so he could eat something. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he ran his fingers through Yuzuru's hair, as he tried to gradually bring him back to awareness.

“Carino, you have to wake up and eat something.”

“What time is it?” Yuzuru mumbled, slowly blinking awake.

“It's uh, almost five in the afternoon.”

Yuzuru's eyes went wide.

“What? How? I've never slept so much in my life.”

“Mmmm, you probably needed it.”

For a beat, Javier wondered whether to address yesterday's discussion, but then decided against it. There would be time for that.

“I sleep much better ever since I sleep in your bed”, Yuzuru challenged, raising an eyebrow, apparently also deciding not to bring any of the demons from last night to the light of this new day, and Javier was fine with that because Yuzuru looked rested, with a mischievous sparkle in his eyes, which was confirmed when he added: “With you, Javi.”

Javier wiggled his eyebrows at him comically.

“You don't say.”

“Did you know that when you're away, Effie likes to sleep in your spot, with her head on your pillow?”

“Awww, mi princesa.”

“Yeah, sometimes we fight for that spot.”

"Oh no, what's to be done about that."

“I know what - just don't leave – then we both get the real thing”, Yuzuru replied, his tone light, but with an underlying seriousness in his eyes that Javier couldn't ignore.

He kissed Yuzuru's pouting lips in lieu of an answer.

“Come on, sleeping beauty, let's go eat.”

 

*

Ever since Yuzuru had settled in Javier's apartment and they shared this unique arrangement, there had been an unspoken game of tug-of war between them, not openly declared, but like an unspoken battle of wills. Javier would try to coax Yuzuru out of his shell, by proposing day to day activities which were at the outskirts of Yuzuru's comfort zone, such as going out, interacting with other people. At regular intervals, he’d renew his earlier invitation to visit the local ice rink, even though Yuzuru refused everytime. He sometimes even asked Yuzuru to reconsider reaching out to people to let them know he was alive, even though Yuzuru wouldn’t hear of that either. In turn, Yuzuru would try to persuade Javier to stay inside the house with him as much as possible. Javier found himself almost always giving in, because he loved spending time with Yuzuru, after having been denied for so long, and his fate was practically sealed when Yuzuru confessed he was having nightmares when Javier was away for lengthy periods of time.

This confession led to Javier flat-out refusing any ice shows that would require him to be away for longer than ten days, give or take a few.

“I have .... a new cat”, he would offer as explanation. “He's very demanding of my attention for now. I don't want him to wreck the place while I’m gone.... He's very attached to me, you see, and reacts badly if I'm away for long.”

Javier mostly got concerned looks and expression of amused sympathy in return – sometimes people looked at him as if they strongly suspected another reason, but were reluctant to ask further questions. On occasion, there may have been some extra nagging:

 “....Javi - seriously, are you ok? Are you doing fine, now with Lidia gone?”

“Just fine, we’re on excellent terms”, he’d answer truthfully, and left it at that.

 

Except one time when the organizers were really unhappy to be refused for such a flimsy reason and made their feelings known in no uncertain terms. Javier was at the rink when he received the call, and the show producer, sounding harassed, first tried to persuade Javier to change his mind. When that wouldn’t take, he finally snapped:

“Can you really afford to be choosy, Javier? Really? Don’t you have alimony to pay? Don’t look to us for any future commitments, we prefer to work with professionals.”

The caller then promptly hung up, not allowing Javier any reply – which was perhaps for the better, since Javier had some choice words on his tongue ready to burst. He was so out of sorts afterwards that he couldn’t focus even on the most basic of jumps. Angrily, he left the ice, packed his gear and headed home, buying some beer on the way. Fine, if there was nothing to train for, then he’d laze around and do nothing. Screw everyone for treating him like this.

As Javier entered the house he was ambushed by his cats, rubbing against his legs, and by Yuzuru, who skidded on the tiles to greet him in some colourful toe socks which looked both ridiculous and cozy.

“You’re early!” he beamed at Javier, who didn’t have it in him to smile back – he was still annoyed and the resentful part of himself insisted the entire incident was Yuzuru’s fault.

Of course Javier wasn’t going to tell Yuzuru that, but considering the day he had, he felt a little entitled not to indulge him in his weirdness for once.

“You shouldn’t wear those socks to bed if you’re walking all over the house with them”, Javier commented, looking at Yuzuru askance as he brushed past him.

“Um, I’m not wearing them in bed”, Yuzuru answered, a little taken aback at Javier’s coldness. “Are you okay?” he asked, frowning.

“Also, your hair is getting ridiculously long.”

Yuzuru flattened his hair with both hands self-consciously, but the strands remained unruly.

“Ah, my mother always used to trim it, in a special way that also thinned it out”, he offered, by way of explanation.

“Well, don’t look at me, I don’t know how to cut hair.”

“I’ll cut it myself one of these days”, Yuzuru shrugged, with complete lack of concern. “In fact, I’ll do it right now.”

Yuzuru marched into the kitchen and Javier stared after him stupidly for a few seconds, then swore loudly, and followed in his footsteps. Yuzuru rummaged into a drawer until he located a pair of scissors, the old and rusty one that Javier usually used to cut labels off clothes and open packages. He went to the mirror in the hallway and grabbed a bunch of his hair examining it critically, and Javier started sweating nervously.

“You know what, nevermind actually, it’s fine. It’s not that long to badly need cutting.”

“Better get it over with, it will only take a few moments.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m afraid of. This pair of scissors really isn’t good enough for this kind of thing, you know.”

“I’ll manage.”

“Stop, what the hell is wrong with you!” Javier panicked as Yuzuru attacked a strand of hair in a haphazard manner. “This isn’t how you cut hair! You’re gonna make a mess of it, you can’t even see at the back. Come on, put that scissors down okay, you’re giving me anxiety.” He extracted the scissors out of Yuzuru’s hands carefully.

“It’s just hair, it grows back”, Yuzuru shrugged.

“Look Yuzu, I accept a lot from you but I refuse to share my apartment with a scarecrow.”

Yuzuru made an affronted noise, somewhere between a yelp and a snarl.

“Javi only loves me with pretty hair”, he mock-wailed.

“If that were true, I wouldn’t love you more than 90 percent of the time”, Javier quipped, and Yuzuru wailed again, a palm on his chest as if mortally wounded. 

“Owww, Javi is vicious today!”

Javier huffed and went to open a can of beer.

“You want some?” he asked, neutrally, dropping down on the couch.

Yuzuru shook his head.

“Nope. Enjoy!”

After a few sips, Javier found himself relaxing a little.

“Promise me you won’t cut your hair while I’m away. I’ll make an appointment for you at a salon I usually go to,” he said, giving Yuzuru a quick look.

Yuzuru pouted, because going out was something he was actively trying to avoid, yet he didn’t dare to voice any outright protests when Javier seemed to be in such a mood.

“Can we go together?” he asked instead. “I’ve never been to a hair salon in my life, Javi, I told you, my mother used to –“

Javier dramatically rolled his eyes skywards and took another sip.

“And I don’t speak the language either so....”

“Yes, yes, fine. It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do these days”, he mumbled.

“Javi....why are you so mad today? What happened?” Yuzuru asked.

He was sitting next to Javier on the couch, with his feet up, head resting on his knees, his toes wiggling restlessly and comically inside the socks that Javier didn’t want on any furniture. Javier reflected that the story he had been telling people had its own truth to it - Yuzuru was nothing if not a very particular, very high maintenance cat who for some reason only tolerated Javier around him. As if on cue, Carino jumped on the couch out of nowhere with a small meow, settling in the space between them, pushing at both of them with his paws until he was comfortable. Javier felt like laughing, because this was his crazy little world and he suddenly felt like a fool for caring about what some show organizer thought of him when in the space between these four walls he was so loved. So when he answered Yuzuru, he did so with less resentment and more self-deprecating sarcasm, as he recounted the entire story.

Yuzuru however, frowned. He stood up immediately, without a word, and went into the spare room, the one he never used these days except as a place to keep his things. Javier startled, not knowing what to expect, and he was debating whether he should get up and follow him, when Yuzuru promptly returned, holding a card, which he put on the table between them.

“Take it. Use it”, he said. “For everything you want or need.”

Javier started to shake his head in a resolute no, and to explain that money wasn’t an issue, at least not yet, when Yuzuru interrupted, with a seriousness that stopped him cold.

 “Don’t say no, Javi, because this is right. I should have done this long ago but I just didn’t think. I’m sorry. But now please, take it and don’t think about whose money pays for what. We share everything and I ask so much of you. So everything I have is yours. Don’t say no, Javi. Don’t say no to me for this, or I _leave_.”

There was a glint of determination in his eyes and a fierceness in his voice that was so like the Yuzuru of old that it made Javier’s heart beat faster.

“Okay, Yuzu”, he answered, slowly.

“And that guy is an idiot. I can’t believe he was so rude to you. How dare he? It makes me so mad. You’re too good to people, Javi, and they take advantage.”

“Really? Now I’m too good? Cause you used to tell me that I was _so bad_ ”, Javier teased.

He had finished his can of beer and decided to open a second. He was in a better mood by now.

“You are good, too good”, Yuzuru repeated, seemingly following his own thoughts, staring fixedly somewhere beyond Javier. “I still can't believe you're okay with all this. I show up in your life after all these years, and you take me in and put up with me, even though you're dealing with your own issues, like the divorce, and I'm sure you must still resent me even a little bit...”

“Well, regardless of how I feel, the things you went through pale in comparison to my issues, Yuzu. But if you want to know about my feelings regarding the divorce - well, I can tell you that they're mixed. Me and Lidia were an unit, even though we stopped having feelings for each other a while ago, there was still a sense of comfort and familiarity in being together. We were a little family, together with Malena. And it hurts not having that anymore, of course. When she left, I felt I had to re-learn living by myself again, and for a while I hated that. But then, I settled into it. And Lidia kept her word, I do see Malena everytime I want, talk to her on the phone a lot, and somehow even my relationship with Lidia improved since we're not living together and we no longer have to keep up appearances. We're more open with each other now, casual and friendly, without expecting anything back. It's a good thing to have. A different kind of security. You see, you cant...”, Javier paused, wondering how to explain this properly to Yuzuru, “you can't have too high expectations of people....if you do, you're never gonna be happy and neither will they. I learned this the hard way.”

Yuzuru nodded, seriously.

“Are you happy, Javi?” he asked in a small voice. “Are you happy now?”

Javier thought about it.

“I don't know, Yuzu”, he finally replied honestly. “Happiness is something simple, and I feel a lot of complicated things. I guess if I have to think about it, then I'm not entirely happy. But perhaps I'm getting there”, he added, while wondering why he had the urge to be apologetic about not being happy.

Yuzuru nodded again, slowly, a deep frown on his face.

“What would make you happy?” he asked again.

Javier laughed, bright and unrestrained.

“Ha, I don’t know? Peace on earth? A time machine? How can I possibly begin to answer that?”

“Okay. How can _I_ make you happy, then?” Yuzuru insisted.

“Oh, Yuzu”, Javier’s laugh turned into a sad little smile. “I don’t... It’s not...”, he shook his head, with a sigh.

How to explain that Javier wanted to give Yuzuru a push, until he tumbled, baggage and all, out of his castle of glass and into the outside world, where he would inevitably have to deal with the consequences of his disappearance, and self-imposed isolation. And then maybe, when the people finally got over their disbelief and outrage about what had happened, there would be a place for them in the world, together. But as much as Javier wanted all that over and done with, Yuzuru stubbornly refused like his life depended on it, and used Javier's love and pity for him to preserve status quo. Javier started to doubt that a change would ever happen, unless he somehow forced it, and he didn’t feel up to that. Wouldn’t it be better to prepare for a future when Yuzuru and him would live unknown and unbothered in their little cottage by the sea, with no one but close family knowing their whereabouts? Would that be so bad? Javier was a social person, and he thrived off interacting with others, so he knew that he couldn't be entirely content with a future of isolation, although he loved the idea of having a refuge away from the big city.

And now Yuzuru was seriously asking how he could make Javier _happy._

Only a few months ago, Yuzuru’s question would have earned him a very dirty answer.

But now, Javier worried his lip between his teeth and wondered how to ask for something that wouldn't be seen as too much of a pressure and maybe use this opportunity to stretch the limits of Yuzuru’s self-imposed boundaries. Javier glanced over at him, considering. Yuzuru looked pale and worried at Javier's apparent reluctance to reply. He was always pale these days, and it was no wonder, since he was spending all his time indoors. A pity, because outside was such a beautiful, sunny day... and just like that, the obvious answer presented itself to Javier, who smiled:

“Maybe today we could go to the park!”

Yuzuru’s eyes turned comically wide.

“...that’s it, that would make you happy?”

“Yes, we go to the park, and you have to change the cat litter, too”, Javier added, with an innocent shrug of his shoulders. “Since you asked.”

Yuzuru laughed loudly, rolling his eyes.

“Oh no! That’s _it_??”

 “....and maybe also do the washing up?” He stretched lazily with a grin.

“Ah, I see how it is, you’re taking advantage of me now!”

“And also - kiss me.”

“All in that order??”

“You can start by kissing me.”

Yuzuru snickered, and stood up slowly, moving towards Javier with a trace of his old coyness – then sat on his lap abruptly, straddling him, moving around a little as if to make himself more comfortable. Javier’s arms came up around his back, supporting him, as Yuzuru leaned over, eyes hodded in anticipation. They both gasped at the closeness. Yuzuru took Javier’s face into his hands, caressing his cheeks softly, looking into his eyes searchingly, before he pressed their lips together. Their moments of intimacy had remained the same, only slightly coloured by Yuzuru’s confession, with Javier being more restrained and careful not to make Yuzuru uncomfortable.

But they were still slaves to the same binding affection for each other that they could never somehow lose, even as past rivalry, separation and underlying resentment had done their best to chip away at it.

“I really want to make you happy”, Yuzuru whispered against Javier’s lips, “because you make _me_ feel happy, every day, just by being you.”

Javier sighed and broke the kiss so he could bury his face into Yuzuru’s neck and hold him tightly, overcome with sudden emotion.

“I’m so glad that you came back to me”, he spoke, muffled. “Let’s forget about the past, forget about everything, and just be with each other.”

Yuzuru smiled, as he caressed Javier’s back in soft motions, and hummed in pleased appoval.

“I want the same, I feel the same, Javi.”

 

*

“I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, Yuzu”, Javier told Yuzuru one day, “and I want you to hear me out and don’t get mad. I want us to go and see Brian. Please - Brian and Tracy and Ghislain, they deserve to know that you’re alive. I promise, I won’t pressure you to tell anyone else. And you don’t have to explain anything to them. If you want, I’ll do the talking – I’ll tell them as much or as little as you want. But please let them see you.”

“Javi”, Yuzuru said, quietly. “I know what you mean but I can’t. I’m ashamed. Telling them now would make them hate me for not telling....for so long.”

Javier nodded.

“Not hate you, but perhaps a little resentful, which is understandable. I was very mad as well, remember, but then I got over it. The relief of knowing you’re alright would have to outweigh the anger at not being told before.”

“.... I don’t want to be hated”, Yuzuru insisted. “Or contempted. Or _pitied._ I’d rather just be mourned.”

“You’d rather make people suffer?”

“It’s been so long....maybe the scars have healed. Maybe it’s worse if they’re poked again.”

Javier sighed with some exasperation and decided to let the matter rest. It was difficult breaking through to Yuzuru, especially since he didn’t get angry or raise his voice, but kept denying Javier and tearing down his reasoning in a quiet, even manner which precluded any further insistence. Javier was at a loss on how to convince him and he always ended up giving in.

 

*

One night, Javier returned late from a show and was still so keyed up and excited, that he decided to tackle an unsuspecting and sleepy Yuzuru into an important conversation that he had been planning for a while now.

“Mmmm, you’re back, Javi?” Yuzuru murmured, still soft and warm with sleep, reluctant to fully wake. Javier couldn’t help but indulge a little, taking Yuzuru into his arms and nuzzling up to him, pressing kisses along his exposed neck. “Come to bed”, Yuzuru slurred, humming contently at the treatment he was receiving, as he fumbled sluggishly to push the covers aside and pull Javier down.

“Not yet”, Javier said, and instead pulled Yuzuru up into a sitting position. “I want to tell you something.”

“You couldn’t tell me in the morning?” Yuzuru yawned, and pouted, eyes slipping half-closed again.

Javier kissed him again quickly, and went on:

“No, listen. I got the best idea. You keep telling me you don’t want to go to the local skating rink because it’s small and crowded and you could be recognized. But I can see it in your eyes that you would like to skate again, if it wasn’t for these obstacles. And I want to offer you the best alternative.” Javier paused for effect and made a dramatic sweeping hand gesture with his hand in front of Yuzuru’s eyes: “The world’s largest skating rink. Nothing but ice as far as the eye can see. Best of all? It’s free of charge, outdoors and open 24 hours a day so we can go there at random hours of the night when there’d be little to no people around, and no one would mind us. Nothing but anonymity and an endless expanse of ice.”

“What are you talking about, Javi?” Yuzuru asked, sleepy eyes involuntarily widening in surprise. “Where is this?”

Javier grinned.

“In Canada of all places. Not in Toronto but in Ottawa. Well? Does it ring any bell?”

Yuzuru shook his head, and the remnants of sleep from his eyes, waiting for Javier to enlighten him.

“You’ve never heard of the Rideau Waterway? It’s a man made water channel, more than 100 miles in length, and when it freezes over in winter it turns into the Rideau Skateway.”

“It’s really so big?” Yuzuru asked, reluctantly impressed.

“It’s huge, Yuzu”, Javier answered, eyes sparkling with excitement. “I’ve been there a couple of times, when I first moved to Canada, and everyone was eager to show me around. It’s so beautiful, nothing but ice as far as the eye can see, you can see the city on your left and right – it’s like walking through town, except you’re skating!”

Yuzuru stared.

“There must be lots of people there....”

“Well, the first time we went, it was broad daylight and a holiday too, so it was packed. It was great fun, though! Next time, I went just with Courtney and it was in the evening - there were less people around and the lamps were turned on all along the way and it was quiet and magical.”

Yuzuru was quiet himself, seemingly at a loss of protests for once.

“There are washrooms and changing rooms and access ramps at small intervals, so you can get on and off the ice”, Javier went on, sensing that he was gaining ground. “There’s also stands selling hot drinks and pastries, although I suppose if we go very late at night they’d be closed – we bought ourselves something that looked like a doughnut which was very sweet and flavoured – I think it had cinnamon in it, and hot chocolate. If Brian only knew the amount of sugar I had that day, heh.”

Yuzuru smiled at the picture that Javier’s words enthusiastically painted for him.

“Looks like you had a good time”, he said, neutrally. “But-“, frowning briefly, Yuzuru searched for potential loop holes. Having apparently found none, he shrugged slightly. “But it won’t be frozen now, it’s barely November. When do you want to go?”

“7th of January”, Javier answered promptly, his eyes twinkling. “– think of it as a month’s late birthday present. And,” he looked down a little sheepishly. “Sort of also an anniversary of our first kiss.”

Yuzuru’s mouth fell open.

“Javi....”, he faltered. “I – I don’t know what to say.”

“Please say yes, Yuzu – say yes!”

 

*

Yuzuru’s distinctive silhouette was well hidden in one of Javier’s old parkas. He also had a knit cap on. His cheeks were flushed and he looked comical, gliding on skates that weren’t his usual custom ones, out of practice for years, bulky clothing hindering his movements, but still faster than anyone else on the ice and trying to slow down for the benefit of possible onlookers. Javier wanted to kiss him senseless, or else hover excitedly around him, like shepherding a rescued bird newly released into the wild. Even though he held back with visible effort, in order to give him some space, Javier still couldn’t help grinning widely.

The skateway was not crowded, but not empty either, the few people skating around were holding hands and seemed more absorbed in each other than in their surroundings. At one point, it started to snow, slow and light, with large, powdery snowflakes, adding to the serenity of the moment. Javier breathed deeply and looked around, deciding that in that moment, he might just have grasped that ever-elusive happiness. It was palpable, out there in the open, in the fresh quiet air, as close as it would take to reach out and grab Yuzuru’s hand.

“It’s beautiful”, he heard Yuzuru say, quietly, as if he also was afraid of breaking the magical moment, and bumped his shoulder. “Did you make all this happen just for me?” he blinked, a shrewd foxy smile on his face making a rare appearance.

“Yep – I lit up all the lamps and I made it snow and I froze the river and taught all these people to skate so we’d have some company. Only a few, though, because we don’t want _too much_ company. In fact, I invented ice skating. I’m the god of skating, actually. Oh, and I did it all for you, of course. Hey, Yuzu... are you happy?”

“I’m more than happy, I’m _delighted_ ”, Yuzuru laughed. “It’s so wonderful. I wish I were like Javi, so much power to make me happy.”

“Well - I think Yuzu can do anything”, Javier said, half playful, half solemn, intentionally echoing the interaction between them that started everything – their roles now reversed, wondering and hoping that Yuzuru remembered it.

And Yuzuru did remember, because he circled to a halt in front of Javier, still smiling as he leaned in and kissed him.

 

*

They returned to the hotel room in the early hours of the morning, tumbling into bed together. Yuzuru's cheeks were tinted pink with the cold and excitement, and there was a playful sparkle in his eyes as he tried to enthusiastically divest Javier of his clothing, pressing his lips to every inch of skin he exposed, finally dropping asleep out of sheer exhaustion. Javier was tired as well, but remained awake for a while lost in thought, running his fingers absently through Yuzuru’s hair.

They slept in late the next day, and it was afternoon when Javier took a deep breath and decided to let Yuzuru know the last part of his plan. Bracing himself for an oncoming storm, he said:

“Yuzu, since we’re here, I thought we could meet Brian too. In fact, I asked him round this evening. I didn’t tell him why, I just told him I was in town and wanted to meet, and told him the hotel and room number.”

Yuzuru stared at him like he couldn’t believe it. For a few solid seconds, the expression on his face was frightening, dark and angry and helpless, like a cornered animal getting ready to strike.

“Javi – _why_? Why did you do this without asking me?” he asked, voice quietly dangerous.

Javier felt cold sweat on his spine, but decided not to back down.

“Would you have agreed if I asked? We’d still be going round in circles, Yuzu. Come on, please. This has to stop. You have to begin telling people you’re back, at least the people who care about you must know. It’s just Brian, Yuzu, come on, please see him.”

He approached Yuzuru tentatively and tugged at his arm, gripping somewhere above the wrist, in a loose hold. The skin under his fingers was cold to touch, and Yuzuru’s eyes were still stony and dark, regarding him blankly, as if a storm was raging inside and was barely contained.

“Whatever you’re thinking about, please, let’s talk about it. You know I always listen to you....”

Yuzuru shook his arm abruptly, and Javier let go.

“I told you about it when you asked before, didn’t I? How many times can I say? I don’t want people to know, I don’t want their knowledge of me to be tainted! Not Brian, no, I couldn’t bear it!”

“Yuzu, I’m sorry. But please, it’s just Brian, he’d never judge you, you know that”, Javier repeated, at a loss. “We’re practically family. Please, it would make me so happy.”

“Don’t – don’t play that card with me right now, Javi! We _were_ happy! Why did you have to ruin everything?” Yuzuru shouted.

“Yuzu—“

There was a knock on the door. They both turned and stared, in shock, then back at each other. Yuzuru frantically looked around the room as if searching for a possible escape route. Javier took hold of his wrist, with no intention of letting go this time.

“You can’t jump out the window”, he said to him, calmly, but firmly. “For once, Yuzuru – for _once,_ please do what I say.”

The knock came again, more frantic, then Brian’s voice could be heard outside.

“Javi, are you in there? What is going on? Can you please let me in?”

Javier all but dragged a reluctant Yuzuru after him in his attempt to reach the door. He unlocked it, and stepped back, out of view, still not letting go of Yuzuru, then cleared his throat.

“It’s unlocked now, come on in!”

The door slid open hesitantly.

“Javi....?” Brian said. “I heard raised voices and I thought I heard....What’s happening, where are you?”

“Close the door behind you and come on in”, Javier replied, breathless, still struggling to keep hold of a fidgety Yuzuru. “And please prepare yourself for a.... a surprise. A shock, even. I am sorry, to both of you, that it had to be like this, but I didn’t know what else to do. Brian, I want you to know that Yuzu is alive, he’s here with me, he’s-”

Brian gasped audibly, and hurried further inside the room.

“Yuzu.... Yuzu – alive? Javi, what....?” He stopped abruptly and remained stock-still at the sight of the two of them.

Yuzuru bent his head until his longer bangs covered his face almost entirely, wishing the ground would swallow him.

Brian only stared, blinking repeatedly.

“I will... I will explain everything later, Brian”, Javier said, nervously, finally letting go of Yuzuru. “Please don’t ask any questions. For now, I just wanted you to see each other.”

Brian finally took a hesitant step towards them.

“Yuzuru, but how...when....what....are you alright? I’m sorry, you said no questions. But.... just tell me that you’re alright, that’s all I need to know now....”, Brian said, and Javier could’ve burst into tears.

“You see”, Javier addressed Yuzuru, “you see, I _told you_ – he just wants to know you’re alright, that’s what we all want, no one is judging you - for anything--“

Yuzuru hesitantly lifted his head and looked up at Brian, apprehensively.

“You must hate me now....”

“No, Yuzu, no, how could I.... I’m just....in shock, I suppose....can I sit down?”

Javier pulled up a chair hurriedly and guided Brian to sit.

“How long? Who else knows....I’m sorry..... but it’s all so—“

“Long enough”, Javier answered shortly. “And no one else knows except Yuzuru’s close family and me. And now also you, Brian.”

“I don’t want you to tell anyone”, Yuzuru hurried to say. “Please. If you must tell Ghislain and Tracy, please make sure they don’t tell anyone else.”

Brian shook his head, his face a very picture of bewilderment, as he struggled to come to terms with everything.

“It’s unbelievable, it’s amazing.... Everyone at the club, you know, we still miss you. It’s been a long time but the memory still lingers. You were so important to us. Coaches, skaters, staff, everyone. Some people still cling on to hope, others are content to mourn. I’m an old man, so perhaps I’m guilty of being cynical. But I think deep down in my heart I knew you couldn’t be dead. And I couldn’t help but tear up when some juniors were talking about you the other day, saying you were the greatest skater that ever lived. And Kaito was passing by and overheard them and said: ‘Not were, _is_. Yuzuru Hanyu _is_ the greatest skater who ever lived.’”

Yuzuru heard the last part as if through a haze, and then his knees gave way and everything went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t wait to finish this fic and YET –   
> There was a comment on my previous chapter (if you’re still reading this, hi!:D) that said Kaito should be punished and at first I was like ‘myeah but idk if I can fit him into what remains of this story because I wanted to focus on Yuzu Javi healing and stuff. But then I thought – imagine this asshole being so confident that Yuzuru wouldn’t say or do anything, that he’d just remain at TCC as if nothing happened, and no one would know. (Needless to say at this point I have NO IDEA what happens next lol so this is fun)


	10. Chapter 10

Javier was aware of a loud thud as Yuzuru hit the floor, yet for a few long moments, he couldn’t move, couldn’t react in any way, except to stare at Brian, stupidly.

Brian had jumped from his chair and was fussing over Yuzuru, asking Javier in agitation if he’s alright, if it’s an asthma attack, where is his inhaler.

“Let him be”, Javier finally said, his voice echoing strangely.

“Javi, what’s wrong?” Brian insisted, more than a little miffed. “I don’t understand what’s happening. God, all this is too much for an old man to take...”

“And there’s more to come”, Javier answered grimly.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Brian barked at him. “Javi, you have to tell me everything, you understand? Everything, I won’t be kept in the dark! Or I go to the police and leave it to them to question you!”

“Calm down, Brian, I’ll tell you everything”, Javier murmured, still in shock. “I guess now I have to.”

He looked at Yuzuru’s still unconscious form, lying where he had dropped on the floor, and knew he couldn’t have asked for a better opportunity. Yuzuru would hate him anyway for bringing Brian here, might as well add to the pile by revealing Yuzuru’s most shameful secret to the man whose respect meant a great deal to Yuzuru. But it couldn’t be helped, the news that Brian unwittingly brought had changed everything. A part of Javier hoped that, shocking as it all was, it would shake Yuzuru out of his self-imposed lethargy. Yet he also feared that Yuzuru would take it as an added incentive to hide away, maybe even away from Javier now. _What will Yuzuru do?_ Javier was almost afraid of the answer.

Javier made the decision to tell Brian everything and cling to the hope that the three of them could decide something together. He lifted Yuzuru’s limp body from the floor and carried him to the bed where he set him down carefully. To his relief, Yuzuru didn’t stir. Javier turned and took a seat on a chair, facing Brian, then spoke in a low voice:

“I want you to listen carefully and not interrupt, if possible. We don’t have much time. Here is the story, as far as I understood it from Yuzuru. You have no idea how difficult it was, how long it took until Yuzuru told me everything. I am telling you now because I feel I have to, given what you’ve told us. Otherwise, I would never betray his confidence. But listen. Yuzuru was kidnapped, from the club, three years ago when he went missing.”

Brian’s eyes widened.

“From the club?” he repeated, disbelief in his voice.

“Yes. This man you mentioned just now, Kaito, was involved. He wanted to date Yuzuru back in the day, but he was always refused. Apparently he was angry enough about being rejected that he decided to take revenge. I don’t think he was involved in the kidnapping as such, but he gave the kidnappers all the information they needed, about the club, about Yuzuru, and told them that there would be a nice ransom waiting for them if they got through with it, because Yuzuru was very popular and rich. These two men got into the club with the passes and information that Kaito provided, overriding security, and-”

“Wait –“, Brian interrupted again. “Who _were_ these other two men?”

“We have no idea”, Javier sighed. “Yuzuru didn’t recognize them, and has no way of identifying them. He said that they always wore masks. They couldn’t understand Yuzuru’s English so they brought in Kaito to interpret for them. It was at this point that Yuzuru learned of Kaito’s involvement – because he recognized his voice, and afterwards he didn’t bother wearing a mask, so we know for sure it was him.”

“Unbelievable.... _Kaito_....but ---“

“That’s not all. One night, Yuzuru tried to escape, but he not only failed and was caught, but hurt his leg badly in the process.” Javier paused. “Very, very badly. I won’t go into details.”

Brian winced.

“Yuzuru begged his captors for pain meds, because he was in agonizing pain, but he was refused. The two unknown men just left him there. However, Kaito stayed, and told him he would give him all the pills he wanted, but only if Yuzuru would let him....”, Javier bit down on his anger, and rephrased, more clinically, “in exchange for sex. At first, Yuzuru reacted with anger and contempt but then he felt he had no choice but to give in, the pain being too much to withstand. The worst part is that Yuzuru now sees this as a personal failure – he is ashamed and humiliated, no doubt exactly what Kaito intended, to make his revenge complete.” Javier exhaled on a shaky sigh, and allowed himself a surge of bitter emotion, because it felt so good to finally tell a sympathetic soul about it: “It was his first time, Brian, his first and only time, I’m sure. Years ago, on the day I left the Cricket club, he told me that his heart was tied to mine forever and he will never love anyone else.”

Brian seemed to have forgotten to breathe, staring at Javier in bewilderment. Javier swallowed down his tears, and went on:

“Meanwhile, Yuzuru’s mother who had been negotiating with the kidnappers without police knowledge and involvement, was close to reaching an agreement with them. So, not long after this incident, she brought them the money and Yuzuru was rescued. And that was the last Yuzuru saw of his kidnappers, and Kaito. He returned home and had his leg looked at – unfortunately it was worse, far worse than ever before. He had no hope of competing again. Brian... I can only imagine what Yuzuru went through, so I can’t say I blame him when he decided to keep to his room and not let anyone know he was alive, despite the whole world mourning for him. Only his family knew that he was back. It was a well guarded secret.”

“....Until?” Brian whispered.

“What?”

“Well, he’s here now, isn’t he? With you. So what happened?”

“I’m not sure. Well, my divorce happened... Apparently, Yuzuru saw this as an opportunity to come out of hiding and see me.” Javier smiled, wistfully. “He ambushed me on a park bench, by putting his palms over my eyes. At least his sense of drama remains intact. Anyway, we’ve been living together ever since. But Brian, Yuzuru is....not well. Not entirely. I’ve done everything I could to help him and I’m grateful that he’s chosen me to look after him, but I’m at a loss on how to deal with him sometimes. And now, to learn that Kaito is at TCC, I was sure he’d fucked off to the Bahamas to spend his well-earned money....I wonder how this will affect Yuzuru now.”

“This man.... _Kaito_....I’m sorry, this is a great shock”, Brian said, hesitantly, wiping his palms on his thighs nervously. “He took an extended leave not long after Yuzuru went missing, but the police questioned him, like they questioned everyone at the club and... if he really did all these things...could he be that stupid and careless as to return?”

“Very stupid or very clever. He fooled you all this time, didn’t he? You just said the police never suspected him. And neither did you.”

Brian shook his head, pressing a handkerchief to his sweating forehead.

“Why would we suspect him of anything? He seemed like a very nice guy....always did his job well, was friendly to everyone....”

“Did you notice he was harassing Yuzuru?” Javier asked, a little resentful undertone of ‘you should’ve.’”

“Of course not!” Brian replied hotly. “If I did, do you think I would’ve allowed it?”

“No, of course not, I know you’re very busy and have a lot of concerns....I’m sorry.”

“Yuzuru had a lot of admirers and people who wanted his attention, you know that, Javi. How was anyone supposed to pick the good sort from the bad? Especially if _he_ never told anyone anything. He had been really withdrawn for a good while before he disappeared. I even mentioned it to the police at the time”, Brian sighed contemplatively, lost in the past.

Javier’s thoughts were also following a path of their own.

“None of this would’ve happened if I had been there”, he muttered. “I feel guilty, so guilty about so many things, Brian....”

“You? How do you think _I_ feel? I gave Kaito his job at the club, his job interview was with me.... I never noticed anything wrong about him, ever...”

“No one did, Brian, not even the police. That’s not on you-“

“Well, then it’s not on you, either, Javi. God, we need to stop playing the blame game, that’s not helping anyone—“

 

A groan from the bed interrupted them. Yuzuru sat up, a hand at his head, looking around.

“Yuzu?” Javier asked tentatively. “Are you okay?”

“My head hurts”, Yuzuru answered. Then he glanced at Brian, and his breath stuttered audibly. “You told him everything, didn’t you?” he whispered.

“Yes”, Javier answered simply, with no further attempt to deny it or justify himself.

“Yes”, Yuzuru repeated. “I see it. Now he looks at me differently.” His eyes glazed over momentarily. “How many times can you betray me, Javi? Is this how it all ends?”

Javier’s heart froze in fear, but he remained silent. Yuzuru’s empty gaze flitted around the room listlessly, anywhere but at Brian and Javier. His new skates lay on the floor next to the table, where he had abandoned them excitedly last night. His eyes lingered on them briefly, before slipping shut.

“Listen Yuzu”, Javier said, forcing his voice to a deceptive calm, “whatever issues between you and me can wait for a while, don’t you think? There are more important things to consider now. We have to decide how to deal with Kaito.”

“ _Deal with?” Deal with?”_ Yuzuru echoed dully. “What do you want me to do?”

“I want you to snap out of this stupor that you hide behind, as if it could protect you, as if it could solve anything! This is not the Yuzu is know! The Yuzu I know would fight tooth and nail to win the war, even after losing a battle!”

Yuzuru made a face, half amused, half disdainful.

“Nice words, Javi. I will keep them in mind.”

“Perhaps I should go-“, Brian started.

“Yes”, Yuzuru said immediately.

“No”, Javier said, at the same time.

Brian hesitated: “I will come by later-“

“You should both go”, Yuzuru insisted. “I want to be alone for a while.”

“I’m not going anywhere”, Javier stated firmly.

They stared each other down, the same unspoken battle of wills between them, now openly declared.

“Then I will go”, Yuzuru said, rising from the bed.

“Where? You literally never go out if you can help it. And for how long? You have no money. You gave me your card, remember?” Javier said, a little cruelly. He was unspeakably hurt about Yuzuru being so cold with him all of a sudden. He had expected tears, a breakdown, a fight, but not this. Yuzuru was pushing him away, quietly but steadily, Javier had suddenly become a part of the world Yuzuru wanted to escape from. And all because Javier had wanted to _help him_.

Yuzuru snickered.

“You don’t think I gave you all the money I had, did you?”

“I’m not letting you leave”, Javier raised his voice in sheer panic.

“Oh, so I am a prisoner, then? Again?” Yuzuru asked, with a deadly sort of calm.

“....Just please, please stay”, Javier begged, at a loss for words. “Let’s talk about it. Brian – help me, please.”

“Yuzu”, Brian began hesitantly, but his voice became stronger as it became clear to him what he wanted to say, “I just want you to know that, having heard the story of what you went through from Javi, I think only to commend you and your mother for the courage and cleverness that helped you survive. I am relieved that you are standing here before me, and I couldn’t ask for more. But there is at least one person in all this mess that deserves punishment for what he’s done, and now we all know who it is - and where he is. Are you really going to ignore that, Yuzuru? Please, help us punish Kaito. I don’t want to go back to the club and pretend that I don’t know what he’s done. This man must be brought to justice. And only you can help with that. Please, Yuzu.”

Yuzuru simply stared at Brian, unnervingly still, arms crossed in front of his chest.

“Brian”, Javier interceded. “I don’t know what Yuzuru will do, but I know what I want to do. I want to confront him. I want to know _why_. I want an admission of guilt.”

“He needs to be punished”, Brian repeated.

“I just want him to stop existing”, Yuzuru said.

They turned to look at Yuzuru, but he didn’t say anything more. Javier turned back to Brian:

“I want to speak to Kaito alone”, he insisted. “It’s a long shot but I want to try and get him to confess, or at least slip up. But I don’t want anyone else at TCC knowing about it or even knowing I’m here. It would complicate matters. Can you somehow arrange it, Brian?”

“I don’t know, I have to think”, Brian frowned. “Maybe on Sunday, there’s no training on Sunday....even though some of the staff may still be there....I can tell Kaito I’ll have a late training session on Saturday and ask him to come on Sunday to resurface the ice so it will be ready Monday morning. It’s unusual but hopefully it won’t be suspicious. Then it’s just a matter of keeping everyone else away, but given that it’s a Sunday and in this harsh weather, I doubt people would want to leave the house unless they absolutely have to.”

“Good. Just spread the word about a raccoon or something, to make extra sure.”

Brian rolled his eyes with a slight smile and stood up.

“It’s good to have seen you, Javi. I’m glad you called me. And Yuzuru - I hope you won’t be too mad at me.”

Yuzuru swiftly stood up himself, and came towards Brian.

“I’m not mad at you, Brian”, he smiled and moved in for a hug. “It was good to see you. And I’m sorry. I hope you will forgive me one day.”

“There’s nothing to forgive, my boy. I just want you to be well. And please, don’t push Javi away. I know I gave you a different advice a long time ago, but I’d have to be blind not to see how much love he has for you – and you for him.”

Yuzuru’s smile became tight, the corners of his lips downturned, as he pulled back from the embrace with a sharp nod. Brian sighed, and turned towards Javier.

“Take care of yourself, Javi. You know where to find me, if you need anything – anything at all. I’ll let you know in a message about Sunday. You seem set on it and I won’t try to dissuade you, but my heart is heavy, I hope this will turn out well. If what you told me is true, then this man is very dangerous. Just promise me that you won’t take any unnecessary risks.”

Javier nodded, eyes soft and smiling, but unwavering in his decision. He and Brian pulled each other into a lingering hug. Yuzuru watched them with a sad look.

As the door closed behind Brian, and Yuzuru and Javier were left alone, the smiles and warmth faded from both their faces. Javier knew that there was no use in defending himself or persuading Yuzuru, and his mind was already busy with planning his encounter with Kaito. Yuzuru was distant and cold, even distracted. They didn’t speak more than a few words to each other, out of sheer necessity, for the following days. At night, they slept in the same bed, but carefully apart so they didn’t touch each other. If one of them slid closer by accident, they’d immediately move back, as if burned. It was the first time in their relationship that they were going through this kind of cold war, and neither of them wanted to take a step to fix it. Javier felt that he had done enough and was entirely blameless in this situation: if he did deceive Yuzuru, it was only with his best interest in mind. Yuzuru felt slighted and betrayed, nursing his wounded pride and unsettled by a newfound sense of insecurity. The days passed slowly and painstakingly, neither of them slept well or ate properly, unconsciously affected by their self-imposed lack of closeness.

On Sunday, Javier rose early because he had a long journey ahead of him. He had received a message from Brian, letting him know that Kaito would be alone at the club, as planned. To his surprise, Yuzuru was already up. He was sitting curled up on the floor, next to the window. He appeared to be looking outside at the falling snow, but with a fixed stare, signalling his thoughts were far away. Javier cleared his throat.

“I’m going to the club”, he said, voice rough from recent disuse. “Are you coming?”

Yuzuru didn’t move, nor did he give any sign that he had heard Javier, who suddenly felt intensely annoyed with Yuzuru’s moods, settled on a brisk:

“Suit yourself, then”, and left to take a shower and get ready.

Yuzuru was still in the same position twenty minutes later when Javier was dressed and in front of the door, ready to leave. Javier paused for a few seconds, hand on the doorknob, debating whether or not to even say anything more. Finally, he spoke, albeit a little dramatically, but it was how he felt at that moment:

“If I don’t return, please know that I don’t regret anything I’ve done. Goodbye.”

Javier didn’t linger to hear if Yuzuru made any reply to that – but hastily went out, closing the door silently behind him. Then he took a deep breath, steeling himself and went on his way.

Inside the room, Yuzuru sat wide-eyed and stock-still for a few seconds, then his face slowly twisted in an expression of pure misery. He broke down into loud sobs, howling, as tears ran down his pale cheeks, his entire frame shaking as he cried. After a few minutes, however, the tears dried out as suddenly as they had started. Yuzuru stood up, with a look of determination in his eyes, and rummaged through his luggage. The item he was looking for lay at the very bottom of the clothing pile and Yuzuru ran his fingers momentarily over the delicate, pristine fabric, with a wistful smile. He sniffed quietly to himself as he folded it gently and fitted it inside a paper bag, then in a compartment of a larger trolley bag, followed by the skates that were still lying next to the table, hastily dropped on his return from the Skateway a few days ago with Javier. He paused briefly in the hallway to put on his boots and his coat. In the hallway mirror, a pale, drawn face stared back at him. The dark, piercing eyes met those of his mirror twin and lit up with a new fire. Yuzuru nodded solemnly at his reflection, and then he was out the door.

 

*

To say that Kaito was surprised to see Javier at the club on a Sunday was an understatement. He was too stunned to even speak for several long seconds, but recovered in record time, to put on a charming front.

“Mr. Fernandez”, he said, respectfully, shaking Javier’s hand in a strong grip, “I am honoured to meet you. I’m a fan.”

Javier nodded curtly, trying his best not to flinch at the unwelcome contact, while he studied Kaito curiously. He was good-looking enough, and had an easy smile which painted him as friendly and easy-going. He dressed smartly, with a studied nonchalance, his nails were clean and scrupulously filed, and not a hair was out of place. He spoke English very well, with a slight Canadian accent. Assessing the situation, Javier decided to take advantage of Kaito’s lingering shock at the unexpected sight of him, and get straight to the point.

“I’m here to talk to you about Yuzuru,” he said.

Kaito looked mildly surprised.

“About Yuzuru? To me?”

“Yes. You see, Yuzuru is very important to me.”

“Of course”, Kaito agreed. “He was important to a lot of people.”

“Not like that”, Javier looked him straight in the eye, to gauge his reaction. “We had a very special relationship.”

There was a glint in Kaito’s eyes, gone before Javier could even begin to process it.

“Oh... He cared a lot about you, then?”

“Yes. And it was mutual”, Javier nodded. “I’d kill whoever hurt him”, he added, meaningfully.

“I see... But I still don’t understand how I can help? As far as I know, Yuzuru remains unaccounted for.”

“A few days ago, you mentioned to someone at the club that Yuzuru was still alive.”

“I did?” Kaito replied, still politely surprised. “I don’t remember that.”

“Maybe not in so many words, but you corrected someone who referred to him in the past tense.”

“Ah. That was an emotional reaction. I’m sure you understand....it’s difficult to accept that such a great talent, larger than life as it were, is gone, forever.”

“Are you sure you don’t know anything more about that?” Javier asked, pointedly.

Kaito laughed, showing his teeth.

“What do you mean? Mr. Fernandez, I have the impression that you’re playing a game with me and .... I’m not good at games.”

“Oh, don’t sell yourself short, I think you’re very good at games, and you know exactly what I’m talking about.”

Kaito shrugged.

“No, I don’t”, he replied, blankly. “What am I supposed to know?”

“I’ll tell you what I know then, shall I?” Javier said. “What _Yuzuru_ told me”, he added, stressing Yuzuru’s name and watching Kaito carefully for a reaction.

He gasped, and Javier was satisfied to it, before he realized that Kaito was still playing up the same clueless and innocent act.  

“Yeah, Yuzuru is indeed alive, as you well know, and he’s told me everything about you. How you arranged his kidnapping. How you took advantage and forced him to submit to you sexually, when he was in too much pain to think straight. And all because he refused to date you. I wanted to ask you why, but now I realize I’m really not interested. I’m sickened just being in your presence.”

And then Kaito, his demeanor impassive, replied calmly:

“That never happened.”

For a few seconds, there was stunned silence.

Then Kaito repeated, louder:

“It never happened. I didn’t do any of these things he accuses me of. I have no idea what happened to Yuzuru, where he disappeared all this time and why he decided to show up now and accuse me. But I didn’t do any of that to him. I am stunned and hurt to be called out like this, and I feel sorry for Yuzuru because obviously he’s not right in his head. I wish him to get the help he needs so he can get over his....delusions about me.”

“Why would he lie?” Javier asked, through gritted teeth. “Why would he lie about you?”

Kaito shrugged.

“No idea, but he’s obviously disturbed,” he repeated. “You know what they say about geniuses, they’re all a little mad.”

“Yeah, no offense but I’d rather believe him than you.”

“If I really did all that, would I still be here now, going by my business as if nothing happened? Ask yourself, would I be so brave, or stupid? Where was Yuzuru all these years? Why didn’t he come and accuse me sooner? I was at the club all this time, I never left.”

“You did, actually. You took an extended leave of absence not long after Yuzuru’s well-publicized disappearance.”

“I made myself available to the police, I answered all their questions. I cooperated fully and they never brought any charges against me. I am sorry for whatever happened to Yuzuru but I’m shocked and upset to find that he’s spreading these lies about me.”

“Why do you think he’s doing it?” Javier asked, studying him carefully. “Why do you think he’s lying about you like this?”

“I don’t know”, Kaito shrugged again.

“He must have some sort of reason for fixating on you”, Javier prodded him. “Do you have any theories?”

“None so far. This is all so unexpected. But I’ll let you know if I think of any, Mr. Fernandez. Again, I’m so happy I could meet you, although I regret the circumstances.”

Oh, the guy was good. He probably planned for the possibility that he would one day be confronted and knew exactly what to say. He was cold and steady, not an ounce of sweat to give him away. Even his eyes glinted with a reptilian glaze.

_His eyes are dead_ , Javier thought, repressing a shudder. _There’s not an ounce of human emotion in them._

He turned away, missing the way Kaito’s easy smile vanished immediately from his face, replaced by a look of pure hatred. He watched Javier fixedly as he walked away, the angry look finally giving way to a sneer.

Javier was loath to admit defeat but he needed another plan of attack. If he could only get the bastard to confess to something – anything that could be used against him– Distracted as he was, Javier didn’t notice where he was going and he bumped into someone.

“Oh I’m sorry – “ he said, automatically, lifting his eyes.

Then he froze, because in front of him stood Yuzuru.

For a few seconds, Javier stared, open-mouthed and uncomprehending.

“What are you doing here?!” he finally asked.

“I came here to skate”, Yuzuru answered calmly, like it was obvious, and stepped around Javier.

“Wait....but – how? I mean – why?” Javier stammered, dumbstruck, while Yuzuru repeated:

“I came here to skate”, and continued on his way.

Javier took a deep shaky breath, his heart hammering in his chest, and hurried after Yuzuru, who was heading towards the main rink.

Kaito had been fiddling with some equipment near the benches surrounding the ice, and he startled badly when Yuzuru approached out of the shadows, followed closely by Javier. He took a few steps back, and angrily barked out:

“What is this? What are you both playing at?”

Yuzuru barely glanced in his direction, focused only on the expanse of ice that greeted him. He breathed deeply a few times, and then bent to touch his fingers to the cold surface, in a familiar gesture of greeting.

“I hope the ice is good,” he remarked, voice cold and flat, as he put on his gloves and removed his blade guards. “Please turn on the lights”, he continued, just as distantly. “I want to see myself.”

Kaito and Javier stared at him, nonplussed. Kaito was the first one to recover.

“Of course”, he answered, with overstated solicitude. “Your majesty”, he said, with a little mocking bow. “Welcome back.”

Light flooded the rink. Yuzuru took off his jacket, revealing his swan costume.

Of course, Javier thought. There was only one program Yuzuru could have chosen.

_The one where it’s most dark and you see little points of light that shine all the brighter for the surrounding darkness._

“Would you like some music?” Kaito asked, pleasantly.

“I am the music”, Yuzuru replied.

Kaito chuckled. Whatever shock he had felt at Javier’s, and now Yuzuru’s sudden and unexpected appearances, he now seemed entirely over it – in fact he appeared to rather enjoy the mystifying turn of events. Javier was more and more convinced that Kaito was truly a madman, and he felt a cold stab of fear.

The silence was absolute as Yuzuru took his position and began to skate, but Javier could almost hear the music play, even though the only sound echoing through the rink was that of Yuzuru’s blades cutting across the ice. It was surreal. Javier realized that he was shivering, chills running down his spine, and it wasn’t only from the cold inside the rink. He felt small and afraid, and he didn’t even know why. Yuzuru looked captivating and otherworldly, but strange, remote. Javier had seen this program performed many times, and it always felt like Yuzuru was spreading warmth and hope. Now it was like watching a dying swan admiring its reflection in the stillness of the waters for one last time. It was beautiful, but forbidding. Yuzuru jumped the single axel lower than usual, and went on a desperate flight on the triple, only to tumble to the ground dramatically, but none of that seemed to put a dent in the enchantment of the performance. It all made sense – the final flight, sharply cut off by the sudden death throes, the swan still valiantly beautiful, even with broken wings. Yuzuru finished the program, but then moved right back into starting position, to do it all over again, like a composer stubbornly polishing a piece until every fragment of a sound was flowing as part of the whole in pure harmony.

Not far from him, Kaito was trembling with a different kind of emotion.

“Look at him”, he whispered with excitement, “so perfect, so _untouchable_. Don’t you get the urge, when you see something like that, to _crush_ it into the ground?”

Javier startled slightly, because that was unhinged, but it wasn’t exactly a confession.

“Is that why you hurt him?” he whispered back, fighting to keep the anger from his voice.

Kaito chuckled, an unspoken ‘nice try’ in his voice when he replied:

“Hurt him? I don’t know anyone who would want to hurt such a precious angel. Such a _perfect,_ precious angel.”

“He’s not perfect”, Javier replied, tired and disgusted, unable to keep up pretense any longer. “You just don’t understand him.”

To his surprise, there was a sudden glint of anger in Kaito’s eyes.

“Oh, I think I do.”

“You don’t”, Javier edged him on. “I want you to know that despite everything you’ve done, you couldn’t kill Yuzuru’s love for me, nor my love for him. This is Yuzuru now, a little sad, a little mad, a little broken, but still so strong and wonderful. And most importantly, so filled with love. You don’t understand that and you never will – you look but you don’t see, you’re missing something, Kaito – something _important._ And it’s eating at you, isn’t it? If I were to tell you that love is stronger than hate, that’s just a line to you, isn’t it? You just don’t get it. So let me put it in terms you can understand: Yuzuru is mine.”

The glint in Kaito’s eyes was now a barely repressed storm of anger, but still with a cold and calculating edge.

Javier slowly backed away, sensing danger.

“I should’ve killed Yuzuru that night, but then my buddies wouldn’t have got their money. I held his life in my hands and he knows it, he knows it’s due. Why else would he come here, like a lamb to the slaughter? Now I can finish the job, and take my time doing it. First, though - I’m going to deal with you, Javier.”

“Yuzu, run!” Javier shouted, and took off running himself. Kaito laughed gleefully and followed.

“You two are making things really easy for me, aren’t you?” he gloated. “Coming here, alone, when there is no one else around? No one knows you’re here, am I right? Hell, I’m sure no one knows you’re in the country. Yuzuru is already believed to be dead. You know, _Mr. Fernandez,_ I tried, I tried so hard to be nice, but now I realize – it’s fate that brought you here today. There’s a building in construction just across the street. I’ll bury you in cement and on Monday morning they’ll come and turn your final resting place into good hard concrete. No one will ever find you, and I’ll have one more little secret to laugh about. We’ll see who Yuzuru belongs to at the end of the day.”

Javier briefly considered taking the elevator, but noticed that it was far from his floor and Kaito was hot on his heels. He changed his mind at the last moment and veered left towards the flight of stairs.  

“Now if I were you, I’d quit running and come quietly, Javier. I know this place like the back of my hand, you know. And you were long away... there’s nooks and crannies here that you’ve never seen, I bet.....”

But there was one thing that Kaito himself didn’t see – the ‘caution wet floor’ sign at the top of the stairs. Javier glimpsed it and quickly moved aside on the landing, ready to retreat, while Kaito bustled onwards, unable to stop in his mad rush. He slipped at the very edge of the staircase, crashed into the sign and tumbled down the entire flight of stairs. There was a sickening crunch as he landed and his neck twisted unnaturally, his eyes wide open and still glinting madly.

Javier approached carefully, breathing hard, staring at Kaito’s unmoving form in terrified disbelief, fighting off a wave of panic and nausea. There was a sudden cold gust of wind and he shuddered, feeling cold to the bone, like a sudden frozen draft had enveloped him from head to toe. He looked up – one of the windows was broken and had been covered with a plastic foil, as a hasty contraption, until it could be properly fixed. The blizzard raging outside had broken easily through the foil, which was hanging aside loosely, fluttering in the wind. Flurries of snowflakes were rushing in, falling haphazardly on the stairs, melting as soon as they reached the ground. That’s why the caution sign had been put there, Javier realized. He startled when a big snowflake landed directly on his face, waking him out of his stupor. He shook himself and tried to _think._   After a few seconds, he took his phone out of his pocket and called Brian.

“Brian... Brian please come quickly”, Javier sobbed. “ _I need help_.”

“I’ll be there shortly”, Brian answered, thankfully not pressing for any details. “I’m close by. I couldn’t stay at home, I was too anxious so I wanted to be around in case you needed me.”

“Thank you, Brian”, Javier sighed in relief. “Please hurry.”

“Just tell me where you are exactly.”

“I’m on the third flight of stairs, at the club. But please - take the elevator in.”

True to his word, Brian arrived in mere minutes. He took in the entire scene, and to his credit, swallowed down any shock or questions.

“You should go”, he merely told Javier. “Leave. You were never here.”

“Brian, I know what you may think, but I didn’t do anything. I swear, it was an accident, he was chasing me and he slipped and – “

“Go”, Brian merely repeated, more urgently. “Whether it was an accident or not, I have to call the police, and I don’t want them to find you. If they start digging around, they’ll find that you had motive, means, and you lured him here alone, after hours. If anyone asks, you and Yuzuru were not at the club today. I’ll deal with the police myself.”

“Brian.....are you sure?”

“Yes. I’ll deal with it. I owe you as much.”

“Brian, thank you, I – _we_ can’t thank you enough – for everything.”

Brian hugged Javier tightly for a few moments, before releasing him, and patting him on the back.

“We’ll be in touch,” he promised, and Javier nodded and turned away, with a last look at Kaito’s lifeless body.

 

Javier stumbled out of the staircase and towards the main rink, where Yuzuru was still skating, as if in a trance, seemingly unaware of all the commotion happening just a few yards away.

“Kaito is dead”, Javier announced, loudly.

Yuzuru stopped in the middle of a movement, arms arrested above his head, facing away from Javier.

“How?” he asked, seemingly more curious about the manner than the outcome in itself.

“Broke his neck slipping down a flight of stairs.”

“Did you kill him?” Yuzuru asked, in the same dispassionate tone, letting his arms fall to his sides.

“Not me. It was the snowflakes”, Javier answered seriously, and wondered, not for the first time in the past few years, if he was going crazy.

Yuzuru merely hummed in agreement, not asking for any further details, as he finally turned and skated slowly towards Javier.

“I’m so tired, Javi”, he said, pleasantly, and Javier noticed that he was drenched in sweat. “I think that maybe I am very out of practice.”

“Brian says we have to go, the police will be here soon.”

Yuzuru leaned on Javier while he put on his blade guards.

“So tired...”, he repeated. “Pain, too. The pain of exertion, muscles and tendons being stretched to their limit – I’ve nearly forgotten how it all feels.  But I find a sort of comfort in it, is that strange? It feels like I’m alive.”

“Are you coming home with me?” Javier asked, too emotionally drained to play games, and needing to know this outright.

Yuzuru smiled.

“We are going back to the hotel room, yes. I want to sleep. And tomorrow, I want to skate again. At the Skateway. With you. Come now, I need you to help me out of this costume, it feels like it’s glued to me”, he pulled Javier by the hand, dragging him towards the locker room.

 

*

They were lying in bed together, fingers lazily brushing along each other’s skin, as if rediscovering each other shyly. Yuzuru’s eyes were drifting closed, exhausted beyond belief. Even though he was too wired to properly sleep, Javier had joined him in bed, relieved that Yuzuru wasn’t pushing him away. The day had been overwhelmingly eventful and there were many things to address, but Javier found there was only one thing he wanted to talk about:

“A few days ago, you said you wanted to leave me. What changed?” Javier asked.

Yuzuru hummed, and made an effort to open his eyes. His reply, when it came, was hushed and slurred, but coherent.

“I can choose to leave you and go far, far away. I can still do that. But I can never cut the string that binds us. The red string of fate that connects people can stretch as far as the whole world, and even become tangled – and ours has stretched very far and was twisted into many knots – but the red string of fate can never break. So if I go away now because I’m mad at you, I am simply delaying the inevitable, when it pulls me back again into your arms, where I belong. I am still a little mad at you for deceiving me, and my pride is telling me I should leave you, but I will disregard it for once, and save us a lot of suffering. I am not perfect. The man I love is not perfect either. But if I look into my heart, the only place I want to be is by your side, Javi. That is the red string of fate.”

“That’s beautiful, Yuzu”, Javier whispered back. “And you know what this means? It means that even when I wasn’t by your side, you were never alone. And neither was I.”

“I’m not alone”, Yuzuru repeated slowly, as if understanding the meaning of these words for the first time.

“Yes. Not even in your darkest moments. You may have been lonely, Yuzu, but you’ve never been alone.”

Yuzuru took Javier’s hand into his own, trapping it close to his face, smiling when his lips brushed it. Sleep claimed him before his smile could fade.

 

_Though it’s bitter, the pill_

_That you swallow to feel –_

_I don’t care what I lost_

_I just thank god I’m alive_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is close to being finished, I think the next chapter will be the last :)


	11. Chapter 11

It was an unusually beautiful late afternoon for the end of January. The last rays of the setting sun cast reddish-golden shadows on the pristine white ice, and tendrils of light on people’s faces. Javier had a sudden vivid recollection of a similar afternoon, many years ago, sitting across from Yuzuru in a diner, watching the winter sun play through his dark hair and painting his features a golden hue. Javier remembered the words he uttered then, as if under a spell ‘I don’t want to let you go.’ So much had happened since, but on days like this, he could close his eyes and imagine that no time had passed at all, that they were still in that diner, and Javier could choose a different path, maybe one that wouldn’t lead him here.

As if in answer to Javier’s thoughts, Yuzuru bumped his shoulder, and then entwined their hands together, holding on tightly.

“Let’s go faster”, he said.

“Okay”, Javier agreed. “By the way, Brian texted to tell me he can meet us at the rest area on Fifth in about an hour.”

Yuzuru nodded.

“Did he say anything else?” he asked uncertainly.

“Just that we can talk more when we meet.”

A hum from Yuzuru, and then he was off –  picking up speed, veering abruptly to avoid the few people loitering around at this hour. Yuzuru still held his hand trapped in his own, so Javier struggled to keep up, laughing breathlessly and finally begging:

“Yuzu – slow – slow down, I can’t go that fast”, he gasped.

“Don’t try to keep up, Javi – just let yourself slide, I got you, don’t worry.”

“But – “, Javier stammered, half worried, half wounded in his pride.

“We did this before, Javi, remember?” Yuzuru laughed.

Javier remembered – Fantasy on Ice, after their last Olympics – at first, Yuzuru had been angry with him for his abrupt retirement and for keeping it a secret from him until the last moment, but then he seemed to reach a decision to cherish all the remaining moments he had left with Javier, with a new-found determination. Javier smiled, for a moment the golden afternoon sun was replaced in his eyes by the colourful lights of the arena, as Yuzuru whizzed past him with a bright grin and a joyful cry, hands hand held out for Javier to grab.

Present-day Yuzuru brought Javier back to reality by letting out a short hoot like an owl. They had left the city center behind and were in a woodland area, surrounded by trees on both sides of the skateway, so perhaps this was just as well. The wind was a mad rush in Javier’s ears, as Yuzuru dragged him along on his wild joyful race.

At last, Yuzuru stopped, out of breath and wheezing loudly, but still smiling. Javier looked at him, fondness overlapping with concern.

“You doing fine?”

“Wahh, I think maybe I---“

“—am out of practice”, Javier finished for him, with a smirk.

Yuzuru nodded, with a painful grimace.

“Yeah...”, he agreed, fighting to get his breathing under control.

“Come on, we’re not far from Fifth Avenue rest area”, Javier said, checking GPS. “Let’s get off the ice for a bit and sit down somewhere.”

 

 

“These things are huge”, Yuzuru marveled, biting tentatively into the corner of a beavertail richly topped with chocolate and banana slices.

“Really?” Javier asked. “You’ve never had one of these things before? Toronto’s full of them.”

Yuzuru mumbled something.

“What’s that?” Javier said. “ _Oh, but I never went out in Toronto, Habi?_ That’s really too bad,” he commented airily, munching into his own maple-topped beavertail and washing it down with a sip of coffee.

Yuzuru narrowed his eyes at him for a second, then he chuckled, and sniffled, nodding.

“They’re good”, he said, eventually, trying to sound dignified. He picked up the pastry again and looked at it from all angles. “I can barely hold it with one hand”, he laughed, loudly.

“That’s because you have such little hands”, Javier shot back, and smirked when Yuzuru really glared at him this time. “Don’t worry about getting messy. Just eat it and enjoy.”

“You’re mean to me because I’m faster than you on ice”, Yuzuru nodded wisely, as he took another small bite.

It was Javier’s turn to throw his head back and laugh loudly.

“You know, Yuzu, everyone may think you’re a skating god, but you’re still a brat to me”, he said, grinning.

Yuzuru rewarded him with a mischievous grimace.

They settled into eating, Javier checking his phone from time to time. Finishing first, Javier settled back comfortably, his thoughts wandering again. Yuzuru shifted in his seat, as he watched him.

“Javi?” he asked. “You’re very distracted today, I notice.”

“Yeah.... I’ve been thinking a lot....about the past.”

“Good thoughts? Bad?” Yuzuru prodded.

“Mostly good I guess. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. The past is a foreign country, they do things differently there. That’s what someone said. And I see now they’re right.”

Yuzuru frowned, still unsettled.

“Is that a good or a bad thing?” he insisted.

“...Both. Hey, it’s okay. Actually, since you’re in such a talky mood, I wanted to ask you something.”

Yuzuru nodded, openly:

“Ask, Javi.” He finished his pastry as well, and sipped at his Coke.

“When you skated The Swan at the rink after all this time.... it was beautiful, Yuzu, it was special, but it was also _– different._ It seemed cold, remote.... I don’t mean it was bad, but it was – I’ve never seen you skate like this and I just wondered why”, Javier ended lamely. 

Yuzuru nodded again, to show he understood.

“I skated my feelings”, he answered, and shrugged.

Javier still looked at him expectantly.

“Sometimes I feel like I want to die”, he said, wistfully, but quickly added, on seeing the concerned frown on Javier’s face: “No, not like _that._ I don’t mean I’m about to take my life. I don’t know if I can explain it. Maybe like when winter dies so that spring may come. That’s what I skated yesterday, that feeling.”

“Did it help you?” Javier asked, on a low voice.

“Yes”, Yuzuru nodded. “It did. And when you told me that Kaito had died, it seemed to fit into all this too. He died while I was skating and thinking about death. And it feels like a part of me died with him. I feel strangely content.”

Javier nodded, not knowing what to reply.

“I know you’re not happy with this”, Yuzuru said. “You wanted Kaito brought to justice. Brian wanted the same. Maybe that’s the right way to feel, but I’m still not sorry. I feel victorious.”

“There’s no wrong or right way to feel”, Javier replied, decisively. “And bringing that man to justice wouldn’t have been easy. When he slipped on the stairs, he was chasing me, gloating about how he was going to kill me, and then you as well.”

“But the snowflakes got him first”, Yuzuru quipped.

“Yeah”, Javier grinned. “Yeah, they sure did.”

 

 

Brian arrived a little later, greeting them with a hug and declined their offer of food with a horrified look.

“Nothing for me this late, thank you. Raj is in town on business and he’s coming by later to pick me up so we got a little time to talk.”

“What happened with the police?” Javier asked, barely concealing his agitation.

“It was fine”, Brian answered carefully. “They wanted to know why Kaito was there on Sunday, when no one else was.... so I had to lie and tell them I didn’t know.”

“But you asked him to be there, Brian”, Javier said, worrying his lip between his teeth.

“I did”, Brian sighed, “but no one else knew that – except me and Kaito. And you, of course.”

“And....they believed you?”

“They were a bit suspicious at the fact that the surveillance cameras were off. I told them sometimes we restart the system on the weekends, since no one is there anyway. Which is actually, true. And lastly, they wanted to know why _I_ was there on Sunday. I told them I was in town and thought about checking the place out for any additional damage caused by the weather, since there’s already been a few lately – like that broken window.”

Javier drew in a sharp breath. It sounded just on the right side of plausible, although he supposed a more cautious detective might remain suspicious.

“Of course I can’t know for sure”, Brian continued, “but I think if there’s going to be an investigation, it will be a health and safety one. Although, we’re pretty much covered in that aspect, too.”

“The caution sign was there”, Javier nodded. “He just didn’t take notice of it.”

“That’s what the police also seemed to agree on. The only issue was if anyone was there with him, and the coincidence of me arriving to find his body not long after it happened.”

“Maybe you should’ve waited until Monday, let someone else find the body?” Javier worried.

“No”, Brian shook his head decisively. “I couldn’t allow that. No one else will be dragged into this mess, not if I can help it.”

“How did the others at the club react at the news?”

“...Shock, of course”, Brian answered. “....Grief.” He waved a hand. “It’ll pass.”

“Not knowing what he did will make people still believe he was a good guy who met with an unfortunate accident”, Javier said, with a quick look at Yuzuru.

“But we’ll know”, Yuzuru spoke for the first time. “The three of us will know.”

He reached out for Brian and Javier’s hands and grasped them solemnly, looking intently at the both of them.

“Now you too, know the value in keeping a secret. We can never tell people about any of this.”

“But we did nothing wro-“, Javier tried.

“Brian lied to the police”, Yuzuru interrupted. “Because of this, if the truth ever comes out, they will never believe you did not push him down the stairs. Maybe they’ll think we lured him there so we could kill him together.”

Brian shook his head.

“I hate to say it but I think he’s right, Javi. It is the only way. I just have to keep my head for a while until this all dies down. It’s already treated as an accidental death.”

“This secret will bind us forever,” Yuzuru said, squeezing their hands, with a meaningful look. “Yoroshiku onegaishimasu. I’m in your care.”

Brian nodded with a smile, squeezing back, and after a while, Javier nodded, too.

“I guess this is the only justice we’ll get in this lifetime”, he shrugged, and ordered another coffee.

The mood of their little gathering lifted significantly after they got this discussion out of the way, and the rest of their time was spent reminiscing past events and recounting new ones. They even managed to persuade Brian to rent a pair of skates and get on the ice with them for a little while. The darkness had set in fully by then, and the lights were turned on.

“I’ve been here such a long time ago”, Brian smiled. “It’s still magical. Maybe I bring Raj someday. It’s a nice way to spend time.” As if on cue, his phone beeped. “Looks like I have to go now.”

He turned, and gave Javier a hug first.

“Thank you”, he said to him, as he held him tightly. “My boy. I’m always so proud of you”, he whispered into Javier’s hair.

Javier could only nod, feeling tears in his eyes.

“We’ll keep in touch”, he managed to say, as he pulled back, and Brian nodded, sharply.

“I feel so happy that I saw you, Brian”, Yuzuru said, as he too, hugged him tightly.

“Take care of yourself, kids. And don’t stay up too late”, Brian winked at them with a smile, and was off.

 

 

Yuzuru and Javier arrived back at the hotel close to midnight. The memory of the last time they were intimate was still vivid in their mind, before their first meeting with Brian, before their first real fight, and the resolution with Kaito. Back then, they had fallen into bed exhilarated and kissed each other with laughing abandon, fumbling with each other's clothes like teenagers. Yuzuru had pressed lingering kisses to Javier's naked chest with definite intent, but then fell asleep in the middle of it, exhausted by the long day, the cold, and more exercise than he'd had in years.

Now they were wistful and even tentative as they faced each other, their kisses slow and unhurried, tender and lingering. Yuzuru breathed against Javier’s lips as he pulled the jacket down his shoulders and then removed his own. Javier sighed. He cupped Yuzuru's face with his right hand gently to get a better grip, as he deepened the kiss, ignoring Yuzuru's attempts to get them both undressed.

“Come on”, Yuzuru said, impatiently. “Let's go and lie down.”

Javier nodded, pulling off his sweater and pants, but leaving his boxers on, and moved towards the bed.

“Take everything off”, Yuzuru told him, as he bit his lip nervously. He had taken his own advice and stood next to the bed, already naked.

Javier frowned, looking at him carefully, the shades of Yuzuru's old encounter even now unwillingly colouring their moments of intense intimacy. He opened his mouth to say something, but Yuzuru spoke up quickly:

“You told me once that if I ever needed anything more, all I had to do was ask, so....I'm asking now”, Yuzuru said. “Will you make love to me? It’s been a long time, I know it’s not the same-“, he exhaled shakily, “ _I’m_ not the same, and maybe you just offered to be kind, because you have always been so kind to me, Javi-“

Javier swallowed with some difficulty.

“I would never offer this out of kindness”, he replied eventually, voice rough with emotion. “It’s true that there’s been.... a lot of time has passed, but I’ve never stopped wanting you. Come here”, he added.

Javier lay down on the bed, pulling Yuzuru down to him, so that they faced each other.

“Tell me what do you want,” Javier urged him softly.

Their naked bodies pressed close, both shivering at the contact. Yuzuru closed his eyes and pushed into Javier’s chest blindly.

“You know what I want, Javi”, he complained, “you just want to hear me say it”, and Javier made an amused noise of agreement. “I want you to make me yours, Javi, I want to belong to you- I want you to show me – show me how good it is with you--“ Yuzuru’s voice was getting frantic as he stubbornly refused to utter any dirty word or be coy or playful about it, like he had been in the past.

That might have stopped Javier in his tracks if it wasn’t for the stark need in Yuzuru’s voice, raw and pure, begging to be fulfilled.

“Okay – it’s okay”, Javier said, soothingly, lust giving way to tenderness. “We already belong to each other”, he murmured, kissing Yuzuru’s shoulder, his hand rubbing an aimless pattern on Yuzuru’s thigh slowly, “in every way that matters.”

Yuzuru hummed in pleased agreement and kissed the sensitive skin beneath Javier’s ear, nipping at it gently. Javier shuddered and pulled him closer, and the added pressure on their sensitive erections made them both moan.

“I want to make love to you”, Javier whispered against his skin, “but I want to be sure. I don’t want bad memories or bad feelings between us. So you have to tell me if---“, he trailed off, not knowing how to put it, and instead bent his head to tongue at Yuzuru’s nipple gently, the bud hardening fast with his efforts.

“It has nothing to do”, Yuzuru answered, guessing what Javier was trying to say, his breathing already laboured, as he clutched Javier to him. “That was hate. This is love.”

Javier understood, but he was still uncertain, almost scared, not knowing what to expect from someone whose only experience with sexual intimacy was so traumatic and laced with pain. But he needn’t have worried – Yuzuru was passionate in his desire, quite lovely and responsive, his instinctive reactions and unrestrained moans quickly going to Javier’s head, reminding him that he’d wanted this – _him_ , Yuzuru, for so long. Javier laced their fingers together possessively when Yururu’s eyes glazed over, threatening to close.

“Look at me, look into my eyes. Don’t go anywhere in your head.”

“It’s okay”, Yuzuru gasped. “It’s more than okay, it’s _too good._ I need—“

“I know. I’ll give you what you need, just don’t close your eyes.”

“It’s hard”, Yuzuru complained, heavy eyelids threatening to slide shut against the overpowering sensations.

Javier wasn’t faring any better, he wanted to give in and get lost in mindless pleasure, but there was something he wanted even more.

“I can make you feel even better, if you only keep your eyes on me. I need to know you want this, I need to know it’s me you’re seeing.”

“How can you doubt it, Javi?” Yuzuru slurred. “I’ve been wanting you for so long .... it’s always been you for me, Javi, _always_ – I used to play hard to get --because I thought we had all the time in the world -- but all I thought about when I touched myself was you, Javi – oh _oh yes_ – harder, Javi, like _this_ –“

On hearing the stuttered confession, Javier groaned and lost it a little, thrusting deeper and harder, and apparently that was all Yuzuru needed to become entirely incoherent, tossing his head from side to side, with sharp little cries, as the pleasure built up. Javier’s hand on his cock sped up in answer, and soon Yuzuru was coming, spilling all over Javier’s fingers and his own torso, arching off the bed with a drawn-out moan. Javier let him come down from it, waiting until the tremors subsided and his breathing evened out, and then pushed back inside him. Despite every instinct goading him to thrust hard and fast to completion, Javier went slow, almost dragging, letting Yuzuru feel every inch of him in his oversensitive state. Yuzuru moaned as his legs wrapped around Javier’s hips, pulling him in.

“You love me so well, Javi”, he spoke in wonder, voice raspy and low.

Never before could Javier have imagined feeling that way during sex, or engaging in the act with such focused intent. Sex was pleasurable, of course, and sex with someone he had feelings for was always special, but in the end it was always the same, as the slippery slope of lust led him down the same path. There was always a point when he got lost as nature wholly took over, the mechanics of the act engaged in automatically as he chased the ultimate apex of pleasure and forgot about everything else.

But now, he never lost awareness of the man in his arms – the pleasure, sweet and dizzying already, amplified by the acute consciousness of being with Yuzuru and forging a new feeling of connection. That, Javier realized, was romantic love – clear and absolute. Not a crush or an infatuation, not simple admiration, or lust, or affection. That was it – finally, _finally._

He wanted to ask Yuzuru – do you feel the same, please tell me you feel the same, I need to know. But the climax swept over him, powerfully and unexpectedly, in the middle of a deep thrust, and he cried out in shock at the numbing sense of pleasure, absorbing all his senses, and making his body tingle all over.

Yuzuru was crying – not his usual, messy tears, rubbing at his eyes as if to squeeze them back in, but with a resigned serenity, allowing them to fall unhindered out of his still wide-open eyes, down his flushed cheeks, breath hitching only slightly, as if in reverent wonder. It was Javier who kissed them away, or claimed them for himself, cherishing their salty taste on his lips, as Yuzuru shivered from the sensation and clutched him closer still.

“I love you”, Javier finally heard, quiet but certain. He tightened his arm around Yuzuru, but didn’t reply. The words came again, louder: “I love you, I love you, Javi. Te amo.”

Javier bit his lip with a smile to hear Yuzuru awkwardly pronounce those words in Spanish. He pressed lazy kisses to Yuzuru’s wild tendrils of hair, to the corner of his sweaty forehead.

“Carino”, he whispered, and he didn’t need to say more.

 

*

“Hey, Javi?” Yuzuru asked one day, after they were back from Canada. “What about our little cottage by the sea?”

Truth be told, Javier had forgotten all about that. His initial inquiries had provided quite a few promising places, but then he got caught up in other things and lost track of that particular exploit. The expression on his face must have been an answer in itself, because Yuzuru grinned.

“I suppose it’s time for _me_ to surprise _you_ ”, Yuzuru said, smile widening even more at Javier’s bewildered look. “I have a place lined up and ready. All you need to do is come with me and see it and decide if you like it. I’ve already seen it in pictures and discussed about amenities and all the necessary details, including price. It’s taken care of. All it needs is your blessing. But I want you to be honest, Javi – no saying yes just to be nice, okay?”

“Wh-what? Are you telling me that you – did all that?”

“Sorry for not telling you. But it’s not like anything is decided yet. If you don’t like it, we can look for another place”, Yuzuru shrugged. “I preferred this one mostly because it’s not far from the city, just half an hour’s drive away, and I know you’re such a social butterfly, you couldn’t stand complete isolation.”

“But when did you do all this? And how?” Javier was still stuck on the fact that Yuzuru acted like a mature adult in this matter when for the past months there had been times when Javier thought he was dealing with a troubled and strange child.

Yuzuru looked affronted.

“Just because I don’t leave the house, it doesn’t mean I can’t take care of business. Anyway, just tell me what you think! Do you want us to go and see it? Should I contact the seller and tell her we’ll come? Just tell me when.”

“Sure....”, Javier replied a little dazed. “But... the price – how much is it? And.... I’ll probably need to sell this apartment first because I’m sure I don’t have that much money to give all at once...”

“Don’t worry about that Javi, I said it’s all taken care of”, Yuzuru replied, patiently. “All you have to do is come and see it, and like it.”

He silenced Javier’s further protests with lingering kisses.  

 

*

“Do you have children?” the owner of the house asked kindly, as they were looking around. “The attic room upstairs is a perfect room for a child. Our son used to love it.”

“We have two cats”, Javier answered, with a slight grimace. “And I have a daughter from my previous marriage who will be visiting us from time to time.”

“We plan to adopt”, Yuzuru chimed in, happily, and Javier did a spit take.   

“That’s lovely”, the owner said. “I wish you good luck. Have you been married long?”

“Eight years”, Yuzuru answered promptly. “But I’ve been in love with Javi since I was seventeen.”

“Awww, how sweet!” she gushed, as Javier pointedly glared at Yuzuru. “I wish you all the happiness in the world.”

“We’re getting there”, Yuzuru answered, with a small smile.

He walked towards Javier and tugged at his sleeve.

“Hey,” he said, quietly.

“Hey”, Javier answered.

“So do you like it?”

“Mmm. So we’ve been married ten years, huh?” Javier said, matching his low voice.

“We might as well be”, Yuzuru shrugged. “What do you think about the place?”

“I love the place”, Javier acquiesced.

“...Yeah? _Really really_? You’re not just saying that, are you?”

“No, carino, I’m not just saying that. I really really love it, and I can’t wait to live here with you and our cats and future adoptive children.”

 

 

They moved into the cottage during the summer when it was easier to carry things around. Meanwhile Javier sold his apartment, but Yuzuru told him to keep the money.

“If you really want to, you can make it up to me by teaching me Spanish”, he told Javier, “I’ve been doing various translating jobs so far with the Russian, Japanese and English I now know, but it would help if I knew another language. And this little village is so nice, I feel I want to get out more, so I need to know the language.”

After they finished moving in, Yuzuru bought a bottle of wine to celebrate.

“I still know Javi’s favourite wine!” he boasted.

Javier was struck by a memory, bittersweet, as were most of their memories from the distant past. He took out his cellphone and browsed through old messages:

_12.01.2018_

_Yuzuru:"I coming now! I get Javi favourite wine, is anything else you like me getting?"_

_Javier:"Just you <3"_

Javier smiled a little wistfully and showed Yuzuru the message. Yuzuru stared curiously, eyes wide.

“Wow, you still kept this message from ages ago?”

“Of course I did”, Javier answered, feeling a tightness in his chest, like he was about to cry, not knowing if it was from sadness or relief.

“Hey—“, Yuzuru seemed to guess his mood, and caressed his hair, softly. “Hey, don’t.”

Javier shook his head and took a big gulp from his glass of wine.

“You know what, I remembered. I have something for you. For both of us. Wait here.”

“Oh, a surprise?” Yuzuru reacted, happily. “Should I close my eyes?”

“You can close your eyes, if you want”, Javier laughed.

He was only gone for a moment, before he returned, hands in his pockets. Yuzuru opened his eyes and frowned:

“Where is it? The present?”

Javier smiled, and took a little green box out of his pocket, taking a deep breath.

“I debated whether or not to do this the traditional way, because there’s no point in asking you to be mine – you’ve always been mine, and I’ve always been yours; I somehow felt it even during those times when distance kept us apart and I belonged to someone else. But I want you to wear this, and I will wear a matching one. Like a visible reminder of the red string that binds us.”

Yuzuru took the little box out of Javier’s hand, brushing his fingers with a slow caress, his smile wide and knowing. Even though he knew what he’d find inside, he couldn’t suppress a sudden gasp when he opened it. The ring was plain gold like a wedding band, except for the two wings, exquisitely shaped, that seemed to spring out organically from the smooth band, splaying in opposite directions. Yuzuru looked closely and he could see the golden wings were painted with faint traces of black and lined with little uneven white stones – they looked strange and enchanting. It was a beautiful piece of work, and so meaningful, that for a few seconds, Yuzuru couldn’t speak, overcome with emotions. 

“You don’t like it?” Javier asked, anxiously, not knowing how to interpret Yuzuru’s lengthy silence. “Now that I think of it, you did tell me once you had all the feathers you needed so maybe -“

“Javi”, Yuzuru started, but he didn’t get any further than that before he burst into tears.

“That bad, huh?”

“Javi, you’re so bad. You always make me cry”, Yuzuru said, wiping his tears with the back of his hand, and picking up the ring carefully. “I will be honoured to wear this beautiful ring, as long as you wear its mate. You could have given me anything and I would’ve still worn it because it came from you. But you have chosen one that reflects my soul, so I will gladly wear it. Now, where is yours? I want to place it on your finger, and you can put this on mine.”

After they exchanged rings, Javier tilted Yuzuru’s head up into a kiss to seal their deal; the kiss quickly turning hungry. The wine was forgotten as they chose to taste it only from each other’s lips, pulling back only to dive in for more.

“We’re married now”, Yuzuru whispered. “And living in our own house, together.”

“Mhmm. We should consummate our marriage.”

“Yes. Here.”

“....Here? On the porch?”

“Why not?”

“What if someone sees us?”

Yuzuru snickered.

“No one sees us, Javi. It’s almost dark and no one comes this way.”

“But still, anyone could come this way and see you half on top of me.”

“I like it on top of Javi”, Yuzuru declared, mischevious grin firmly in place, and Javier gave in.

 

 

_Seven months later_

“Malena....do you remember Yuzu?”

Malena frowned briefly, eyes tilted to a side, considering.

“You probably don’t remember, but I came to see you a few times when you were very little. I gave you a toy bear and later, a doll.”

“The bear, Winnie the Pooh you mean? Oh, I didn’t care much for that”, she said candidly.

Yuzuru made a grimace and Javier laughed.

“Yes, I think I remember you”, she finally said. “I remember laughing and singing, and you were very kind. But then you stopped coming. You gave me the porcelain Asian doll with swan feather costume, didn’t you? Oh my god I love that! One of my favourites. She had a tag, that said her name was Yuki. I looked it up and that means snow”, Malena boasted.

“Yes”, Yuzuru smiled. “It can also mean happiness. I’m glad you like it.”

“I kind of hated it though, even if it was very pretty because I couldn’t dress it in different clothes. I wanted to dress my dolls in different clothes every day. But that costume wouldn’t come off. So one time, I was so frustrated, that I took a piece of scissors and wanted to cut it. But the doll broke. Mom fixed it. Remember, dad?”

“Yeah”, Javier smiled at the memories. “You were crying so hard, we were scared goodness knows what had happened to you.”

“I still play with that doll”, Malena nodded. “I watched all your programs, you know. I want to skate too, like you and dad and aunt Laura but mom didn’t let me. She wouldn’t even let dad teach me. I was so mad. And now it’s late, I’m old.”

Javier laughed.

“Oh yeah, you’re so old”, he teased, and messed up her hair fondly.

“It’s not too late, you know”, Yuzuru said. “One of the best figure skaters of all time, and a man I greatly admire, began skating at the age of 12, and you’re what – seven now?”

“I’m eight! Soon I’ll be nine!”

“Well, if you really want to, I ... we-”, Yuzuru looked uncertainly at Javier, “- could teach you, I for one would love to....but not if your mother disapproves....”

“Pah”, Malena said. “I don’t have to tell her everything”, she proclaimed.

Javier chuckled, while Yuzuru frowned, but then relented, and smiled as well.

“It will be hard to hide the bruises anyway, from your mom”, Javier said, “and there will be a lot of those – fair warning.”

“Yeah”, Yuzuru nodded seriously. “You should know what you’re getting into. Lots of falls, lots of bruises.”

“Pffft. I can take it! My knees are bruised all the time! Wanna see a really big one I got last week? It’s just beginning to heal.”

 

*

Javier began to toy with the idea of telling the world their story. He wondered how he could make it sound so people wouldn’t judge them too much, but then realized he couldn’t care less. Maybe he’d start like this:

‘ _It’s been almost a year now now since we’ve been living in our little cottage by the sea. People say intimacy breeds contempt and I’m sure that it does, for those who search for idols. But that has never been true for us. I think one can love a person for their faults, as well as for their virtues. We’re made of flesh and bone and so we are fragile. But maybe it is its frailty that makes us look with such wonder at an ancient vase, broken and artfully put back together again: it is so delicate, so brittle, the cracks in it belying its long, troubled life, and yet it has survived. And so did we_.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you made it to the end, then thank you very much for following this story! I hope you liked this last chapter too! Also thank you very much for the kind, clever, enthusiastic comments that this fic has been getting, they were very much appreciated <3


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